With God's Help, I'll Become Me

In my shoes

2011-10-10T21:17:00.002-05:00

I watched the movie Limitless on Sunday with dad, and I couldn't stop thinking about it the rest of the night.

The premise of the story is that this average guy who's hit a rough patch in life is given a pill that enables his brain to work at full capacity. He's able to think clearly, remember details from his past and put together connections that no one else is able to do. Without this pill, he slips back into the old Ed and loses all ability to function as he had before. But knowing what he is capable of when he's taking the pill, he continues seeking it out.

This is actually exactly what being on stimulants is like for me.

Without them, my brain is in a cloud of fog and fatigue. I can't think clearly, have trouble focusing, and if you're lucky enough, I may just fall asleep on you while we're holding a conversation (don't take it personally) (also, this has actually happened a few times. If you're reading, thank you for understanding, and I am still so sorry).

But within 10 minutes after taking a pill, my mind is awakened and I'm....well, awake. I can complete tasks, work efficiently, think critically, read and analyze. Comparatively, I feel limitless. But I can tell, within 5 minutes, of when my medicine has worn off. It reflects a physical change as well; my roommate/coworker can tell visually when they have worn off and when they kick on.

I'm not sure if there's a point to any of this (ahem...the last pill I've taken today wore off several hours ago) other than to say that if you want to have any understanding of how different my two worlds are, you should watch Limitless.

Also, my stimulants do not help me learn foreign languages fluently within a few days. Or create algorithms within the stock market to predict stock changes. Or know kung-foo from video games (because 1. we didn't have video games growing up and 2. that's just a knock-off from the tv show Chuck)

I need some time alone, but it's not what I want

2011-09-02T22:00:00.003-05:00

I'm really tempted to vent like mad, right here, right now. I want to unleash all the fury that my womanhood possesses and ream someone out. I'm hurt, frustrated, confused, stunned, and every time my mind revisits the issue, all I can think is, "Seriously?!?!"

As temporarily satisfying as that would be, I know my Lord expects differently from me. And the more I pray and give God all my questions as to why this would happen, the more I'm given a sense of....well, pity I guess. I feel SORRY for this person. To be that clearly confused as to where they're going...it's frustrating, I know. I've been there. I want answers to life's questions too.

Being that my love language is physical touch, I really craving people right now. I want so much to cuddle with a roommate and spill my heart, my frustrations. I want to call a friend with a motorcycle to ride around for a while and release my anger and hurt by the intensity of the ride. I want to throw myself at anything else that will distract me from what I don't really have right now.

But I know I need Jesus. I need Him to cradle my heart as I hurt. I need Him as I vocalize my frustration and pain. I need Him to surround me and whisper truth that wipes away the lies that try to infiltrate.

Quick Catchup

2011-08-09T21:46:00.003-05:00

It's been a while. Time for blog!! A lot has happened, and it's all really cause-and-effect, so we'll go with that.

- I had a sleep study towards the end of June for some sleep problems (overwhelming fatigue). No, it's not the kind of sleep study where I get paid. Yes, it can be very expensive. With insurance, I was expecting over $2,000 bill from the hospital.

- But my Jehovah Jireh is awesome!! My bill ended up being only $450ish!! THAT is incredible, and knocked me to my knees in praise!

-So now, I've been diagnosed with hypersomnia (essentially a narcoleptic). Yaaaay!! This is great news, honestly. It means the incredible and debilitating fatigue that has plagued me for the past 10 years has a very real cause and now we can DO something about it!!

- To try to get a better night's sleep, I bought a new bed. It's glorious. I did NOT purchase the $150 box spring, who's only purpose is to RAISE THE HEIGHT OF THE BED. That's right, that's all box springs are for nowadays. Can you believe it?

- But since "natural remedies" for hypersomnia really don't do anything, my doctor started me on stimulants. After a little trial and error, we've got something down that's working amazing. I know it sounds silly because few know how ridiculously hard it was for me to just stay awake, but it feels SO GOOD to be able to work all day and not hit a wall every few hours! I'm so glad I decided to pursue medical help!

- Because I can stay awake and focused, I CAN READ AGAIN!! No more falling asleep 2 pages in! My first book? Born To Run. I bought it last Tuesday and am nearly finished with it. I'm pretty sure this is a record for me... Anyway, the book is amazing, SO inspiring, and SO good!! I recommend it!

- Being on stimulants also means I have no more excuse not to go to bootcamp when I'm tired in the morning. I've been up for bootcamp on a much more regular basis now which is great. The more I do it, the more I crave it. It IS kind of like an addiction... But honestly, I have never loved and hated something so much in my life. I want to curse Jeff sometimes because it's SO STINKIN' HARD, but I know I can't. He's incredible at what he does. If I didn't die at least once a week, it'd be hard to justify throwing $100 a month at this. (I'm going into my 7th month)

- Which leads to my most recent race....the Warrior Dash. Jeff and I drove to Kansas City and ran a 5k with a bunch of obstacles and it was so much fun! We dressed up as the birds of war (from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia) - so hot, and maybe not the best idea on a high heat index day (someone died from heat stroke in kc that day from the race), but we sure looked awesome. Pictures MAYBE to come. I'll definitely be doing it again next year!!

- And finally

I know you've done it too....

2011-07-17T15:11:00.003-05:00

Since Emma moved out a month ago to do an internship in Ohio, I've gotten into the habit of locking the deadbolt behind me when I get home, partially for safety since I'm by myself and partially to get into the habit of doing it because our new "townhouse" will be near a halfway house. (Previous tenants told us that a random man walked into their place while they were home). Yikes...

I just had a "duh" moment. I was watering my new herbs in the backyard and went to go back in through the backdoor and realized it automatically locks.

I've locked myself out of my duplex, and my landlord AND duplex-mates are on vacation, not that it would do me much good because I don't have my cell phone to call either one anyway. And of course, I do this on a day when the heat index is 109. So I'm pacing our yard, sweating it out for several different reasons, and trying to figure out how to break into my house.

I ended up stabbing the window screen, tearing it out, and shoving the very high and freshly painted window open so I can hoist myself in. (did I mention I'm only wearing a tank top and skirt?! I'm sure I could have been mistaken for a burglar were it not for my attire.)

I made it back in the house, just in time to take the pizza out of the oven!!

But now I need a new window screen...one more thing to add to the move-out checklist. Anyone know where to go to get one?

Analogies

2011-07-15T09:07:00.004-05:00

Eating with Asian people (Asian families) at an authentic Chinese restaurant is like boiling a frog.

If you throw the frog in boiling water, it jumps out immediately, knowing somethings not right. But if you put the frog in room temp water and gradually heat it to boiling, the frog can't tell the difference in the temp change.

Likewise, if the restaurant puts all the food out at once, you're overwhelmed and only eat a little bit of this and that. But if the food comes out one dish at a time, you keep eating throughout the meal because everything looks so dang delicious and you can't say "no" (not that the Asian family would let you anyway.)

I'm pretty sure I gained weight this weekend from spending it with the Lau's, but I'm afraid to look at the scale to see.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I bought 5 lbs of cherries. (What?! They were on sale!!)

The first dozen always taste delicious, but the more you eat, the more they taste funny.

It's kind like writing one word over and over again. Eventually, it just looks wrong, regardless of the fact that it's spelled correctly.

They're. Everywhere.

2011-07-10T22:17:00.003-05:00

Last week, I spent about 5 days camping outside for Cornerstone Music Festival; it was a lot of fun, and HOT. And there were a ton of spiders.

Honestly, I could care less about spiders. Typically, they don't bug me and unless they are larger than a quarter and in the bathroom where I am most exposed, I'll leave them alone. And considering I was OUTSIDE all day during that camping trip, I couldn't really get frustrated. I was in their space, after all.

Apparently, seeing that many spiders left an impression on me though.

Every night since I've been back, I've woken up several times a night thinking about those stupid spiders and how they're probably all over my bed/room/apartment. I'm not freaked out or anything, just incredibly annoyed at the "existence" and "presence" of the spiders. Seriously, go away!!

Needless to say, I haven't slept much the past week. ~sigh~ So here's to hoping that this is a new week and I'll actually be able to sleep like a normal person. Goodnight!

Running isn't a pretty sport.

2011-07-07T20:47:00.003-05:00

'Bout time for a blog, eh? I know, it's been a while...

I just got back from running my first 5k of the year around Ada Hayden in my brand spankin' new running shorts that I got today.

I hate them.

If all running shorts have the same function and cut, then I do not know why they exist. I don't know whether it was my running stride or the fact that I get a tad bit damp when I work out (erm....a lot. a lot of damp.) or my booty just fills up the back of them so there's no where else to go, but those shorts were riding UP. At first I thought it was normal for running shorts. "Yeah, this is severely uncomfortable, but maybe this is what everyone looks like?"

That thought lasted 10 steps and then I saw someone. Yeah...shorts aren't supposed to look like this. ~sigh~ I'll stick with my thick cotton yoga pants, I guess. (and why is there so much extra fabric up front?!)

On a more positive note, I beat my last 5k time by a few minutes. Granted, I didn't have a stopwatch to get an official time, but I left my car at 8:05 and got back just before 8:40 including a warm up and cool down walk of about 5 minutes each AND I had to stop a few times to adjust the shorts of doom and I saw my old boss so I chatted a bit. Wow....I seriously dominated that run! Whoooo!!

I'd mention again that I have lofty running goals for this summer, but I'm pretty sure that we've already proved "the boy who cried wolf" theory on that one so I'll lay it to rest for now. (Until I accomplish my goals and then I'll rub it in your face, but because we're friends, you'll be proud of me and celebrate.)

In the meantime, I'll be icing my shins and waiting for my naturally pale skin to replace the cherry red face I get for a job well done.

Greece!!

2011-06-14T15:00:00.000-05:00

So.

30 people from our church have the opportunity to go on a study tour of Greece and see all these amazing places. In. Love. How incredible would that be?!?! I desperately want to go.

So instead of paying attention to Jeff Dodge talk (psh, I hear him talk every Sunday. GREECE!!!!), I started trying to figure out how much I'd have to save every month and if this trip is doable considering all the variables.

I could probably manage the time off....maybe. An extra $500 a month to put towards the trip? Might be tough, but definitely doable (GREECE!!!!). Yeah.....this might be possible!!

I sat back in my chair and stared in awe at the ruins of Ephesus on the front of the brochure. And then I Jesus Juked myself (sorta, only my original idea wasn't a joke).

If I applied that kind of discipline with my finances towards my debt, I would have had quite a bit of my student loans paid off (not all, or even most, but a whole lot more than I have now). Insert sad trumpet noise: "wha whaaaaaa"

~sigh~ I'm right.... and this is probably the only time I'm sad that I am. And in my sad stupor, I want to go spend money.

Ahem...I'm a spender, hard core. Not always just for me though. When someone needs money or help financially, if it's feasible for me to give, give I will do! But I most definitely do not have the disciple to stick it in savings or apply it to debt in every circumstance I can.

This is one area I really need to work in. I say all the time that one of the reasons I can't go overseas right now is because I have a lot of student loans that need paid off. But what am I doing on a regular basis to pay those loans off? ~cough~Making only my normal payments~cough~ Gahh! I need to be much better about this.

Slightly Misleading...

2011-06-13T21:15:00.003-05:00

Today, Terry came into my office to grab the next client's file; instead of his cheery greeting, he looked me in the eye, completely serious and had the following conversation with me:

Terry: You're in big trouble! (as he swats me with the file)

Me: (with what I'm sure looks like sheer terror in my eyes) What....?

Terry: You're in trouble! You didn't go!

Me: (panicking as I'm frantically trying to think of what meeting I was supposed to go to with him, which I've never done before) I didn't....what?!

Terry: says client's name. You didn't do it!

Me: thinking, "I did everything you told me to!! What did I forget?! What would he be mad about?! He's never mad!! What did I do!?!?!" (and I'm sure that look of sheer terror has only intesified by this point)

Terry: You skipped bootcamp this morning!! (the client is in bootcamp with me)

Are you kidding me?!?! OH MY WORD TERRY!!!! NOT ok!!! I have never panicked as much as I did in those few seconds! He claims he had no intention of scaring me like that, but seriously...who does that?!?!

I have to admit, it's really funny now. And I still think he's a fantastic boss.

Awesome Thursday.

2011-05-25T16:30:00.000-05:00

Last Thursday was pretty awesome and I didn't really get to tell you why or what happened. Things got crazy with weddings and sleep (which I should be doing now instead of writing blogs that I will schedule to post later on this week), and blogging slipped away from me. (That's a lie, I've written 3 since Thursday.)

Awesome Thing #1: I saw an old man wearing a business suit driving a big red truck and picking his nose. It made me smile.

Awesome Thing #2: Baby squirrels!!! THEY ARE SO TINY!!!!

Awesome Thing #3: For the second time in less than a week, a bird swooped down in front of my car while I was driving and made direct contact with my grill. No worries though; at least the second bird (possibly the first as well) recovered quickly and flew off as if nothing had happened.

Awesome Thing #4: (This didn't happen THIS PAST Thursday, but did happen on a Thursday and is worth reporting) Jimmy Johns messed up my sandwich so I got a new one and they gave me my money back and on my way back to work from lunch, I saw two doves land and perch on an electrical box.

Awesome Thing #5: Gas prices are falling!!! And unless they spike back up $1.25 in the next week, the prediction that I was told and have been passing a long that gas will be at $5 by Memorial Day will be wrong!!! If it weren't sin, I'd be happy I lied!!!

I REALLY want to say Awesome Thing #6, but I cannot right now. I will tell you soon, but seriously, SO EXCITED. I love love love what my family is doing right now!

On an unrelated-to-Thursday note, I was able to serve a variety of different people A TON all weekend. It was so amazing!! I absolutely adore serving in just about every capacity and I love the strength God gives me to endure and serve without weariness!

(The big question is why can't I have that attitude at Iowa Insulation?)

What I'm bursting to tell you!!!!

2011-05-24T05:32:00.001-05:00

Jessi and Mike are pregnant!!! (well, obvious not Mike. But the two of them together, they....yeah, you get it.) They're due the beginning of December. I'm going to be an aunt!!!!

Shane and Jessica are engaged!!! (not to be confused with Jessica, the sister, which would be wrong on so many accounts, but a different Jessica, who we call by her full name so we don't confuse the two) I am SO excited to have Jessica in the family!

Lauren has an INCREDIBLE voice and guitar skills. I would say she's on par if not better than JJ Heller's "What Love Really Means", she's that good. Maybe I should sneak record her and show off her skills to all of you... (You may not care that much, but I LOVE bragging on her, especially since she's so humble about the whole thing)

I adore my family, more than words can express.

'Member That Time?

2011-05-23T05:00:00.000-05:00

'Member that time I was riding bikes with my friend down the street and how we were being all cool, patrolling the sidewalk, going back and forth? Her parents came to pick her up in the van (which was silly because she seriously lived a block away) and as they were driving off, I decided to be ULTRA cool and rode my bike one handed while waving with the other hand as I rode alongside the van.

'Member how I made direct contact with the "Dead End" sign at the end of our yard with my front tire and totally crashed?

I figured out what "Dead End" meant pretty quickly.

"We talk of the Second Coming; half the world has never heard of the first." -Oswald J Smith

2011-05-22T06:00:00.001-05:00

Happy May 22nd!!!

Honestly, I'm kind of blow away by some of my brothers and sisters in Christ. Against clear evidence in the New Testament, (Matthew 24:45-51 and 1 Thessalonians 5:1-2 being a few passages), someone claims to know the day and hour of our Lord's return and they flock to him? Selling everything the own to spread the word?

When did reading into the Word override reading the literal Word of God saying that we cannot know?

I didn't pick up on this prediction until 2 days prior to the "end times", so I don't know a whole lot about what they're believing or declaring. But from the little I have read, the message they sold everything they have to declare is that the world is coming to an end and that we must repent. As far as I have been able to tell from websites and billboards, there has been no message of Christ and His sacrifice, death, and resurrection were mentioned anywhere. No mention of His great love for us and His desire to be united with us once again. No hint of the gospel anywhere.

How is this supposed to save the people they were trying to warn?

I really want to shake my head and say, "How could you be so blind?! How could you miss SO MUCH?!" I want to put on my judgement hat and shake my finger at them and their ignorance.

But I know that I make foolish assumptions and leaps and have made PLENTY of decisions and actions that are not backed Biblically. I know that I am not perfect by any stretch and therefore have no right to place shame and condemnation on anyone. I know that even in the past few hours, I have gone from one end of the spectrum of mocking them to coming under conviction and knowing that I'm just as lost sometimes as they are.

I'm sorry for all the people who gave up everything to share this message and are now left with nothing because they put their trust in a guy who can "decipher the Bible". I pray none of them "turn away from the faith and betray and hate each other" (Matthew 24:10). Despite the fact that this may be a huge blow, I pray that they would draw closer to Christ. My heart breaks for their disappointment, but I pray they'd find true joy in Christ alone and that they would come to long to tell others about the Saviour who gave His life for them instead of spreading a message of fear.

Matthew 24:14 "And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come."

If we are so eager for the return of our King, why don't we start sharing with those who have never heard? At the very least, can we begin praying for nations, tribes, and tongues that we don't know about, we never think about, and certainly never pray for? We'll spend all eternity with them in the presence of our Lord (Rev. 7:9), so why not begin caring for them/about them now? They WILL BE your brothers and sisters in Christ someday!

"My Writing Book" by Danielle

2011-05-21T21:08:00.002-05:00

Throughout the past few years, I've become less and less sentimental. I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that I have no tolerance for moving a ridiculous amount of stuff around; while it's fun to reminisce for a few moments when I come across an old school project or useless trinket, in the long run, it doesn't feel worth it to carry these boxes around with me.

(I just cleaned out my closet and found a medium box full of jewelry boxes. I had 8 ring boxes and 3 necklace boxes plus some others. I do not have that many pieces of nice jewelry, and have no idea how I got them all. Also, I've been moving them around with me for at least the past 4 years. face palm.)

But I think I may have come across something I may keep; it's too funny not to. It's a "writing book" from when I was 8 1/2 (I made a very clear point of listing my age).

Apparently, I...

loved everything related to school (reading, writing, math, "siens", going TO school)
loved going to Fareway and Walmart
liked kids who like playing with me (speak much of low self-esteem?)
feel like a winner when I totally dominate my sister on everything (paraphrased of course...I didn't know the word dominate, but it's pretty clear that's what I meant)
think kids are awful, ugly, owl, queen, glad, kitten, and feel (I think I was on something)
would like a cold glass of water
knew that getting married now would never happen (at 8 1/2?! Apparently, that was on my mind then too...)
January to March would never happen either (...)
know that a good reason for going to school is to learn about the "human boty" (hahaha)

Young me was kind of hilarious. This is definitely a keeper.

Mowin'

2011-05-17T18:40:00.002-05:00

I mowed for the first time this year. (Our neighbor did about a week ago) I was kind of dreading it. I'm not fond of it, but since our duplex-mate shoveled all winter, it's only fair.

I think the mower knew I didn't want to be with it, so it was extra gracious. I filled it with gas and pulled the starter (?) and she fired up first try!!! Amazing!!

Mowing really isn't too bad. (with the exception of the dirt clods that somehow catch the blade and get thrown straight back making a direct beeline for my face. That part is not fun.) Especially when a good portion of your lawn is creeping charlie and doesn't grow. On the plus side, since creeping charlie has turned brown and our yard is DEFINITELY the eye-sore of the neighborhood, lettin' 'er grow an extra week doesn't make a huge difference. Woot.

Now my hands taste weird. :(

2011-05-11T21:45:00.000-05:00

My friend Jodi made an amazing looking salad the other day, and I've been dying to try it!! It was a mexican salad and it had lettuce and spinach chopped up, taco seasoning (i think), avocado chunks, tomatoes, salsa, ranch, and tortilla chips. Yum!!!

So in an effort to be more healthy, I thought I'd give it a shot and bought the stuff this week. Tonight, I tackled the avocado and somehow extracting that....thing from it's shell. After a bit of trial and error and lots of annoying cuts and incisions, I got my chopped avocado!! I rewarded myself by popping a piece in my mouth. After 2.5 bites (the first two were quick; the third, I realized something was up), I spewed it from my mouth (into the garbage, of course). Disgusting!!! It was bitter and hard and I don't know what that tasted like, but it was not avocado!!!!

In an effort to cleanse that bitter taste from my mouth, I had to make myself a bowl of vanilla ice cream and strawberry syrup. I'm pretty sure nothing else would have worked.

So....I'm afraid I wasted my time and money chopping up that stupid thing. Is it just not ripe enough? Should I put it in a container and let it sit in the fridge till it ripens a little and gets just a little softer? Or in my cupboard? Or should I toss the whole thing?

I swear, Fareway is turning me off of their fresh produce SO fast.... I'm getting to the point where I am quite dissatisfied...

Mustache Love

2011-04-30T12:35:00.001-05:00

Oh, to have a love like this....

Disclaimer...
Mustaches actually creep me out. I do not love them. Men who secretly love me and long to win my heart, please do not grow a mustache.

Coffee Joulies

2011-04-28T12:59:00.004-05:00

I am so excited about these!! I think it's a genius idea and am so glad someone thought it up! Having hot coffee/tea/hot chocolate/whatever-I-want is going to be amazing!!

But at $50 for 5 beans, I think I'll wait for just a little bit and hope the price doesn't go up because they're so amazing.

The best thing since Jesus.

2011-04-27T17:11:00.004-05:00

I know 2 blogs in one day is quite uncharacteristic of me, but THIS CANNOT WAIT.

As if Target hadn't already won my heart by remodeling their store and making everything so sleek and beautiful and red (I love spending time there even more than I did before), they've COMLETELY upped the ante.

Target has Magnum bars. Oh heart, be still.

If you do not know what Magnum bars are (they've only been in Europe and China until this year), you REALLY need to try them. They will astonish and amazing you and you won't be able to go back to any other kind of ice cream. My mind was entirely blown the first time I tried it in China.

And just to sweeten the whole deal, Target has a coupon for a dollar off. And wonder of all wonders, they accept competitor coupons as well, and whadaya know, Walmart has a coupon too. A 3 pack of Magnum bars for $1.49. (Can someone die of ecstasy?)

I don't know why you're still reading this right now.... I'm pretty sure that anyone in his right mind would be frantically grabbing at the printer, desperate for those coupons. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have a freezer stocked for the summer.

Another important question.

2011-04-27T11:50:00.003-05:00

Enough with this self-realization stuff. I have some real questions. You guys were super helpful with the sobbing onion thing (matchsticks work great!) that I thought I'd throw you another one.

I have a pair of jeans that I love, but I must have left them in the washer too long or something because they smell super musty!! It's quite gross really.

I've tried soaking them, washing them in vinegar, and spraying them with frebreeze, all to no avail. They've been like this for a year or more.

Any suggestions? It's getting quite embarrassing... I put them on without realizing they're the ones that smell and I go around all day smelling like an unopened antique chest.

Revelation.

2011-04-26T17:30:00.002-05:00

I am a jerk. I really am.

I realized this sometime between 2pm and 4 pm today.

I've been so gung-ho about leaving my old job and starting my new job. "2 weeks is normal, and 2 weeks is what I said. My last day is Friday this week. Thursday if I can pull it off." My justification is that my new employer has been shorthanded for a month and really REALLY needs help.

All Darrell asked is if I can help out with payroll and keep things afloat while they try to find someone. I SAID I'll talk to Terry, but I don't want to talk to Terry. I want to be firm with my end date and don't want to make things complicated.

Meanwhile, Iowa Insulation doesn't have anyone to pay the monthly taxes, pay roughly 30 employees their payroll, do bank reconciliation, pay bills, deposit money, and do any work necessary to keep things running.

"Whatever, not my problem."

I'm glad for soft voices in the back of my mind saying, "Wake up and knock it off. You're being ridiculously selfish." And I am. I really am.

I apologized to Darrell via email since he wasn't there, and I'll do it again in person tomorrow. No one deserves that kind of treatment, and I definitely don't want to leave Iowa Insulation on bad terms. There ARE ways to compromise. I can work weekends to get payroll done, and I can come in for an hour after Cross Wealth to take care of bills and invoices and deposits until my replacement comes.

For being someone who hates having people mad or upset with her, I sure haven't been acting like it...

Where does your confidence come from?

2011-04-25T19:37:00.003-05:00

Lent is a whole new concept for me. Among dancing, playing cards, and drinking, baptists don't celebrate Advent or Lent and never talk about it. But the past 2 years, I've decided to take part in the Lent season by giving up something sacrificially in an effort to draw my attention to God and fix my eyes on His own sacrifice for us.

This year, I gave up wearing makeup.

(brace yourself...) I'm sinful. I can be quite vain and prideful, and to go au natural is NOT ok. I've become ashamed of what my Father has given me and how He has created me. Heaven forbid that I go out for a quick errand without having taken a shower, put on makeup and done my hair. I'm very wrapped up in what I think people perceive of me, and I work hard to keep that in place. I've been told for years and years that this is how I'm supposed to look and anything short of that is undesirable. (Of course, not in spoken words, but that is the undercurrent of advertising and entertainment)

Every single woman knows exactly how hard this is and the baggage that comes with it. I didn't want to give up makeup myself, but when you hear a voice audibly tell you to give up something that you are terrified to even consider, its hard to shrug it off.

For the first 2 weeks, I was back in jr. high and dealing with all of those horrible memories and feelings of awkwardness that go along with having a different mindset than everyone else. ("If a guy is going to like me, he's going to like me for me and not how I look." Awesome heart, but I let society lie to me and feel ashamed of my natural look) Oddly, the scariest place for me to go was church, even though those should have been the people who would love me regardless.

But throughout the past 46 days, I've become more and more comfortable in my own skin and less apologetic for my "lack of self-care". This is the way my God created me!! This is what He originally intended! I'm not lazy or less-desirable because I don't look like everyone else. I feel more beautiful and confident in who God made me to be! I also feel like the treasured daughter in Christ that I am; I feel my Father's love in a deeper way. I'm pretty sure that beats anything I can buy at Target.

The question I've been asked the past few weeks from a few friends is if I'll go back to wearing makeup; I think I will, but I have an entirely different perspective about it. I'm not wearing as much, and I know I don't have to if I don't feel like it and it's not the end of the world if someone sees me without it. My confidence is in Christ!

Cause it's too funny to post in just one place...

2011-04-19T22:04:00.002-05:00

text messages

Dad: HAPPY BIRTHDAY DANI!!! Hope ur day is a fun one! Love you. Dad.

Me: Lol you really wanted to be first, didn't you? :) You're early!

Dad: Oops, it's the 21st isn't it. The 19th is the anniversary of the Waco Texas Davidian Branch Fire. How could I mix u up with that?!

I love you so much, Dad. You made my day!!!

From a Few Weeks Ago

2011-04-18T11:16:00.000-05:00

*~EDIT~* I wrote this....oh.....2 weeks ago? And never got around to posting to it because I ended up not feeling as crappy as I did before. Figured I might as well post anyway, because clearly, positive thinking and restructuring my perspective helped! Really, though, I just wanted to make the astrix and squiggles for the "edit" note. *~End Edit~*

I'm in this really stupid place right now where instead of even thinking about considering all of my blessings, all I want to do is dwell on what I don't have right now. What God has chosen to withhold from me for my good.

He totally has the right though! If He's withholding ________ from me, it's because He's got something better in mind. Regardless of what I think I need and as disappointing as it is that I don't have it, God's holding out for something better, and I think life will be a million times easier if I join Him in holding out than complaining that I don't have it NOW.

I'm well aware of the fact that I need a new perspective of where I am. And just because it's not my default to count my blessings doesn't mean that I shouldn't go there when my attitude is rather childish. So here it goes....

Not only do I have an amazing immediate family (I can't imagine having a better set of Godly parents who have an incredible marriage and I have an equally amazing relationship with each one of my siblings), but my extended family is also pretty rocking. I'm incredibly blessed that we're all within the same state and even town with some!

Working out hard with people creates an automatic bond. (Writing that now seems really dumb. "Hey, we have a common interest! Let's be friends." Yeah, that makes sense) I'm loving the friendships that I've build from being in Surefire Bootcamp. I've met some amazing people that I probably wouldn't have known otherwise, and I'm so grateful for the encouragement they give me and that I can give back. I've contemplated moving to a different time for working out, but honestly, the 5am class is best. Everyone else is weird.

Despite not being able to go to connection group for the past month because of my sheer exhaustion from people (NEVER thought I'd say that), they've continued to lift me up and pray for me and my family and future decisions. Having that kind of spiritual backing is really encouraging and I love them to death for it.

I have a job that completely pays all my bills and while I don't have a whole lot extra to throw around at debt, I'm blessed just to be able to be where I am. I have job security, and regardless of how bad the economy is (or was), I'm needed here and that's made known on a regular basis. I'm appreciated and trusted, and I love hearing Darrell say, "Thank you Danielle" at the end of the day.

I'm a blind sheep.

2011-04-14T22:11:00.002-05:00

I'm at a loss for where I am.

I've had more "plans" than I can count on both hands, all very legitimate! I've tried short terms and long term missions and different ideas about timing and it seems like at every opportunity, God shuts the door and says, "No." (maybe it's a "not yet", but I haven't gotten there yet.) I've given up on telling anyone what my new plan is because more than likely, if I've thought it out, it's not going to happen.

I don't mean to be cynical about it, honestly. God's got His plan, and I know it's going to surpass in greatness anything I could every possibly come up with even if I had all the time and resources to plan it out. I KNOW His way is best.

I just don't get where He's taking me, why He seems to be leading me away from missions. And maybe it's not missions in general, but how He's going to use me. Maybe He has another ministry in mind besides missions accounting (girls being sold into the sex industry keeps kicking me in the gut). Regardless, whatever He has in mind for me is being withheld from my knowledge right now.

He's leading me somewhere though, that's for sure. When I wasn't looking for a new job but knew I wanted to leave where I currently am, God plopped it down right in my lap and totally blessed me. Like, COMPLETE blessing. I love it. He knew what I wanted and without me nagging and whining (at least I hope I haven't been!), He sets things in motion that - more than anything else - allow me to be more happy/content/satisfied/fulfilled. I'm going to get to serve people!

I guess I just wish I could see where I'm going beyond where God nudges me from time to time.

'Member that time?

2011-04-11T06:00:00.000-05:00

'Member that Christmas when my sister got an AWESOME ballerina Barbie that had a crown on her head and when you held onto the crown and made small circles with your hand, Barbie would twirl in her pretty pink dress? She was the most beautiful Barbie I had ever seen. And her elbows/knees/hands/feet were on hinges!!! (i.e. they moved!)

I convinced Jessi that my new chapstick stocking stuffer was equally as impressive, and we made the completely fair trade of my small tube of chapstick for her revolutionary moving-in-new-ways Barbie.

As she was playing with her new chapstick (bless her heart) and walking it along the back of the couch, it slipped from her fingers and fell behind the couch. Unable to get it herself, she asked mom for help. It didn't take long for Mom to learn of our trade.

Despite how much I insisted that Jessi was totally ok with this and I didn't trick her and we were both happy with our trade, Mom made me give the Barbie back.

I will probably never get hired by the Federal Trade Commission.

'Member that Time?

2011-03-28T06:00:00.003-05:00

'Member that time that I went to Olive Garden with Paxton, despite knowing that sometimes I can get very sick off of it? 'Member how after we walked out of the restaurant to the car, I knew something was very VERY wrong?

We didn't get very far before I started panicking and told Pax to stop RIGHT NOW. He protested until he saw my fierceness and stopped in front of Target where I flew into the store and made a mad dash to the bathroom.

Wave after wave of abdominal cramps followed by the worst kind of sickness came over me with no hesitation or pause. And 'member how it was peak shopping time during the weekend and the bathroom was constantly full? Yeah, it's a good thing bathroom turnover is only about 2 minutes because I'm not sure anyone else could have stomached being in there much longer (not to mention no one knew who I was...). And then some lady thought it would be a wonderful idea to bring her cart into the bathroom and park it right in front of my stall!! She didn't stay too long after the next wave.

'Member how Pax finally called me about 30 minutes in to ask if I was ok?

"No. I need you to do two things...."

Eventually, I came out. Very tired. Very pale. Very very very dehydrated.

Is it odd that I still crave to go to Olive Garden, even after this?

It IS the most important meal of the day...

2011-03-25T07:15:00.002-05:00

Breakfast has become my new favorite meal (again.). When else can I stuff myself on a ridiculous amount of protein and carbs, all in the name of gaining back the energy I've spent on working out hardcore?!

My typical breakfast consists of a glass of cranberry grape juice (ok, so that's not THAT good for me, but I splurge), a cheese/ham/green onion scramble with THREE eggs, and a bowl of strawberry yogurt.

In an effort to broaden my breakfast horizons, I bought english muffins the other day. Did you know certain brands of english muffins aren't sliced down the middle? Why on earth would english muffins NOT be sliced down the middle?!

Regardless, I have to tear them open and toast them, and then when it's time to butter them, I feel like I'm buttering the moon, what with all it's craters and such. Have you ever tried buttering the moon? Didn't think so. I'll tell you this much, it's frustrating. I do not like butter filled craters for my breakfast, thankyouverymuch.

PS, sorry for the lack of blogs lately. Bootcamp kills my creativity and I can only do one or the other. Fortunately for you, I skipped bootcamp yesterday to go see my sister WHO'S BACK FROM JAPAN! and so you get me back for the time being. Lucky!!!!

New Game Show Idea

2011-03-24T22:11:00.004-05:00

What's In Your Purse?!?!

Today's contestant is Danielle and she has a lot of excuses for what's going on in there...

3 pens

Tide stick pen

4 kinds of chapstick

Dryer sheet

2 toothbrushes

A box of Gas-X

A coupon for a dozen free eggs

An Ipod chord

2 slices of cheese

A baggie of cereal

TWWS: Pi Day

2011-03-14T14:45:00.003-05:00

Talking to Ben on gmail, (complaining)/saying how exhausted I am today...

Ben: yikes...
also, its Pi day

Me: yeah, i know
and it's taking FOREVER

Ben: welllllllll it might be because Pi is an irrational number
which never ends
bwahahahahaha

Lots of parenthesis.

2011-03-04T10:13:00.006-06:00

Hokay, so.

Bootcamp is going awesome. BUT. I'm in TERRIBLE shape - as bad, if not worse, as I was when I started last year. It's frustrating how much I slid backwards! But I can DO this! I have goals and aspirations and dreams that involve getting very muddy. I have full confidence, and I can already tell I'm getting better/stronger/not as dumb. And it's probably very amusing/scary to listen to me talk to myself during workouts (I'm all about yelling at myself like a drill sergeant and muttering how ridiculous this [being my fitness level] is).

(Also, my cold lingers from last week, but my nose ONLY runs when I'm working out. I think it's my body's last ditch effort to give itself a break between insane reps of something ridiculous Jeff has thought up.)

I also want to start running (half marathon this summer?), biking to work once a week or more (15+ miles?!), swimming (if I can get over the whole chlorine thing...blach), and FINALLY start boxing (I didn't spend an hour filling that wave-master for nothing!!!).

Realistically, I don't know if I'm going to be able to do all that. But I have it in my head that I'm going to, so....there's that.

Finally, I really cannot wait for April. Why?

Tax season is over. (it is going well, but two jobs takes a lot out of you if you're not careful. Not careful being joining 5am bootcamp)
I'm a quarter of a century old. (Quarter party anyone?!)
Spa day with my mom to celebrate both.
Um, nice weather?!?! Helloooo?!?!

Problem/Solution

2011-03-02T13:29:00.004-06:00

One of the things I dislike most about my job is licking envelopes. I have NEVER liked the taste of the glue, and the bitter taste has a drying effect on my mouth, leaving me unable to lick and seal ALL of the envelopes I need to send out.

I have a solution though! FLAVORED ENVELOPE GLUE. I would be more than happy to lick all our strawberry-flavored envelopes so mail can go out!

Realistically, why not? They've made Tylenol taste like candy so you can suck on it a bit, wait (but not for long!) for saliva to accumulate, and swallow! Easy!

Now, I don't have the means to implement my solution. I have no business plan, resources, or anything worthwhile; I'm just the brains. SO. Anyone who happens to venture across this idea....please, steal it and run with it. I don't care if you make millions. I will just be happy to have yummy envelopes to lick.

I mean, with an "invention" like that, you could realistically have all the administrative assistant girlfriends you could ever want. (what?! secretaries are hot...)

'Member That Time?

2011-02-28T05:00:00.000-06:00

'Member that time last summer when I decided it would be a good idea to finally get in shape and get up at the nothing-is-good hour of 5am to do that and join bootcamp? Jeff was so awesome at making me nearly throw up because I was working out so hard.

Randy and I told Jack if he joined bootcamp in March, we would make our reappearance and join again. I left that day with Jack being very doubtful he would join, and I was pretty confident he wasn't going to budge from his post of refusing to get up early.

It's 5am on Monday morning. Take a wild guess where I am right now.

Conviction

2011-02-26T19:40:00.002-06:00

Today, I wasn't so sure I wanted to go to church. Honestly. And it's all because of last week's message.

Did any other Cornerstoners get the sucker-punch in the gut from that message?

Philippians 2:14-18. I know you know it.... "Do everything without grumbling and arguing, so that you may be blameless and pure, children of God who are faultless in a crooked and perverted generation, among whom you shine like stars in the world..."

It's so simple, but seriously, how often do we follow it? I don't consider myself a terrible grumbler and complainer (flashback to the woman at Block who, after complaining for 5+ minutes about how she's be treated unfairly by employers, says anyone who knows her knows she's not a complainer...), but I do have my moments, I know. I justify it by saying I need to "rant" about something that's bothering me.

Why can't I just let it go? Why must I speak about it, as if saying it out loud somehow justifies how I've been wronged? Or, to take it one step further, why do I meditate on it and ruminate over each situation where my rights to comfort and pleasure have been pushed aside?

To my credit (which we all know, totally counts because God's keeping a little tally book up in heaven for each of us), I've kept my tongue much better this week. But still. Someone doesn't take me seriously enough, and I immediately start looking for a willing victim to unleash my barely-lethal-but-really-annoying venom on. Ugh... I can't imagine how detestable that noise is to God. He gave us everything when we deserved nothing. No, more than nothing, we deserved hell, but now we have LIFE.

Please just tell me to shut up next time I start going off. Please. I mean that 100%.

Btw, I did go to church and was challenged deeply once again. ~sigh~ At least this week it's not going to be about sin issues....

That's what we said...

2011-02-22T18:55:00.000-06:00

Me: My skin would be all, "Ahhhhh!!! What are you putting on me?!?!"

Emma: "Can I make a zit out of it? I think so!!"

'Member That Time?

2011-02-21T21:27:00.003-06:00

'Member that time when I was young and in Patch the Pirate club (church group that met on Wednesdays)? 'Member how we were given a prize if we were extra good during the lesson and singing?

I figured out the system. After a month of being the perfect angel and only getting one prize, I realized that they do a rotation, and each kid only wins once every 4 weeks, even the "bad" ones.

'Member how I was so proud I figured it out and from that point on, was only "good" every 4th week, because really, if you're not getting toys for being well behaved, why exert all that energy?

All of a sudden, my good behavior was more praised because it wasn't the norm anymore.

Confessions: Pancheros

2011-02-17T08:30:00.000-06:00

I love it when I get extra stamps when I buy burritos from Pancheros. I like to think it's because I'm lookin' extra good that day and all that work of getting prettified has paid off in the form of getting that much closer to my free burrito.

Saturday, I must have been rocking it because I got THREE stamps.

Someday, I'm going to be mildly devastated if I discover that there is double stamp and triple stamp days at my favorite burrito joint.

Must See.

2011-02-16T14:04:00.000-06:00

I jumped on this bandwagon several months ago and have horded it like the greedy little sinner I am. But the cat is coming out of the bag, with or without me sharing.

This ever-melodic duo needs to be introduced to you.

Ladies and gentlemen.... The Civil Wars.

Sick day?

2011-02-16T12:45:00.005-06:00

I thought I had out-smarted the system.

See, whenever you say something with complete confidence, the universe turns around, takes notice, and hits you where it hurts to ruin that confidence.

"I have a super power. I cannot get sick."

I've been around SO many sick people lately. Flu, influenza, really nasty colds, weird coughs, viral pleurisy, my roommate had strep possibly....I've seen it all. Don't get me wrong, I'm not intentionally putting myself in harms way; it's more-so sharing life with my brothers and sisters in Christ, the good and bad. Life can't be all peaches and ice cream, right?

(Why peaches and ice cream....?)

I figured, if I claim this enough, karma would come back to bite me. Lo and behold...

I woke up this morning with a mildly irritated throat that feels dry all the time. Is that all you got, Universe?!?! Pathetic.

'Member That Time?

2011-02-14T10:20:00.004-06:00

'Member that time when I was absentmindedly playing with one of those big rubber "poppers" and watching tv at the same time? And remember how I absentmindedly stuck it to my forehead because the suction felt funny? I left it on there for the rest of the show, mostly because I forgot about it.

Then, remember how I went into the kitchen to ask about dinner and my mom took one look at me and burst out laughing hysterically? Unfortunately, I was not lucky enough to avoid the consequences of suctioning the toy to my head and I had a giant hickey right in the middle of my forehead.

Fortunately for me it was winter, so I could pull my headband down over my forehead as I walked to school alone. Unfortunately for me, it was not winter inside the school and I was forced to take my headband off. No one ever said anything to my face about the hickey, but in 5th grade, that type of gossip spreads like wildfire. Good thing I moved away 2 years later.

I'll never be able to live that week of humiliation, especially since there are pictures. (thank you mom.)

New Step!

2011-02-14T09:21:00.002-06:00

Lately, I've been thinking about/wishing/wanting a mentor - someone who's older and wiser and can pour their wealth of wisdom on me and challenge me.

Of course, I'm surrounded by amazing women around my age who care for me deeply and love me no matter what mood I'm in (which, admittedly, hasn't been very fun lately...I'm feeling run down and beat up by life); it would take me forever to list all of them out. But there's something different/lovely/inspiring about having a Godly older woman who has experienced life and can share those experiences and lessons with you.

I finally asked an amazing woman who's on our coordinating team for Perspectives and who I completely respect to be that person for me. Without hesitation, she answered yes.

She blew me away after Perspectives when she approached me to talk more and said that this past year (since she first met me, really), she's been praying that I would seek someone out to play that role in my life and that I would grow in wisdom.

She's been praying for me!! For the past year!! I know you know the feeling (at the very least, I hope you do) when you find out someone has been earnestly seeking God on your behalf. Complete joy and elation! Kindergarten word = warm fuzzies EVERYWHERE.

And surprise surprise...Satan tries worms his way in to rob me of my joy by placing doubt in my mind. Nope, not this time (or any time, preferably). This is from God.

Just a word of advice...

2011-02-05T20:40:00.002-06:00

If you're going to get something pierced, you should probably do it by someone who has a face that would set off a metal detector and not a grossly overweight man with a speech impediment when he's nervous.

Seems so obvious now....

Yep, That's What We Said

2011-02-02T20:04:00.006-06:00

Me: "Is it time?!?!"

Emma: "No, it's cilantro!"

Such a waste....

2011-02-01T22:28:00.008-06:00

One of the most irritating things for me is buying a food item that I need for a certain recipe with full knowledge that I won't be able to use it all before it goes bad. I hate wasting the money and food item!

For instance...milk. I cannot buy a gallon of milk (or a quart for that matter) and use it all before it goes bad. I hate drinking it, so I only use it for cooking, and therefore, it usually goes bad before I use it all. Solution? Almond milk. It's thicker/creamier and yummy and lasts MUCH longer!! And since I use it for cooking, it's generally not noticeable that I didn't use the real thing. Win win win.

But one thing I couldn't get past? Cilantro. Usually when I'm making a recipe, I only need one tablespoon at a time, and whaddaya know....cilantro doesn't come in 1 tbsp increments. Nope, gotta buy the whole bag and hope a lot goes a little ways. (hint, it doesn't usually)

But my friend Paige? She's a genius. Look at what she does!

It freezes!!! Loooooove it!! Guess who's no longer wasting herbs?! A tablespoon fits in each little cube in the ice-cube tray and after about 2 tablespoons of water in each one, it's ready to freeze!! Gah, I'm so excited about this! Sure, it's just $2 I'm not wasting...but that's a tea at Cafe Diem that I can have now!!! Whoop!

Also, with the insane blizzard that we had here, I came home early and got a bunch done, including laundry. When I went downstairs to finish my last load, I found that our washer had moved here:

...when it used to be here:

Whoops!! Guess I should have balanced it out a little better in there... And it's a really good thing our hoses are so long and flexible!! That sucker must have been moving because it was AT LEAST a foot and a half further away from the dryer than it should have been. Yikes...

Disclaimer....our washer/dryer are in the basement and I swear, it doesn't actually look this gross down there. Also, don't look too close at the laundry coming out of the dryer. Just in case.

I am in LOVE with...

2011-01-20T17:00:00.001-06:00

This magazine. Absolutely adore it. It's SO nice and relaxing to read! And the organizational tips in it? Loooove it!

Cranberry-grape juice with 7-Up. Looks wine-ish without the [nasty] alcoholic taste. Hey, whatever makes me feel more sophisticated...

Sweats and blankets. As freakin' cold as it is outside (um, negative 2 this morning?!?!), it is really nice to come home, immediately change into warmer duds and make a nest of blankets on the couch. (That is, when I have a free evening)

My knit gloves. I got them at Ragstock in Iowa City when I was with Jordan, and they are hands down the most amazing things I have ever put on my hands. ZERO wind and cold gets through these things. I don't know where they've been the past 24 years of my life, but I can't imagine facing winter without them now.

Jesus. But that's a given.

People touching me. My love language is physical touch, and it sometimes feels like someone sent out a giant memo a few months ago to everyone I love and told them to increase the hugs and hair-playing and high-fives (not nearly as gratifying, but I'm definitely not picky).

My roommate. She's pretty much amazing, and I love that she is so self-less and loving. And she says the most ridiculous things to me/with me.

Time flies...

2011-01-19T22:15:00.002-06:00

Things are definitely picking up speed as we're plowing through January! Can you believe that tomorrow is the 20th?!?! Seriously, where has this month gone? I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to wake up tomorrow and have to start end-of-the-year taxes again. This whole time thing is pretty ridiculous if you don't keep close track of it....

It's getting super hard to enjoy each day for what it is now too. I'm constantly moving from one thing to the next. 8-4, I'm working at my full-time job, and 5-9 most weekdays and 8:30-5 on Saturdays, I'm at H&R Block doing taxes. Sunday SHOULD be my sabbath, but instead I'm at Cornerstone and leading the infant room for morning services followed by Perspectives and then connection group. I enjoy the full schedule because I'm rarely left home alone to fall back into old habits (napping all afternoon/watching tv on hulu), but those little moments to myself are so valuable!

Every extra 5 minutes is nice, and it's especially wonderful when I USE that time to do something productive! Some ideas:

-Pick up a few things in the living room to clean it up

-Clean all the mirrors (amazing what this does...)

-Clean out purse (I feel like I lose a few pounds when I do this!)

-Return that phone call you keep forgetting about!

-Gather clothes that you need to take to Goodwill and put them in your car!!

-Actually take said clothes TO Goodwill!

-Download pictures from your camera onto your computer

-In fact, why don't you download that cd you've been dying for? (I've got like, 5)

-Reorganize the freezer

-If they've stuck around for a laundry cycle or two, throw unmatched socks away (seriously, why do we keep them? The dryer-pit of doom will never return them...)

I have this horrible habit of hitting the snooze button until I drag my bum body out of bed to frantically get ready for work. Guess what getting up 15 minutes earlier gets me? Time to put lotion on (luxury!!), pick up my room and get everything back in order, and usually enough time to get in a quick Bible read while my car is warming up in the driveway. 15 minutes!! I don't know how it all fits in there, but it does! And really, what good is that extra 15 minutes (interrupted at 5 minute intervals) really doing for me in the long run?

Despite having so many large demands on my time, I'm maintaining a surprising amount of sanity. Hope it stays though! Things will only get crazier when the tax season starts...

'Member That Time?

2011-01-17T21:41:00.004-06:00

'Member that time when I finally confided in my dad that I liked a boy in my 2nd grade class, and he suggested I write him a note telling him so? And 'member how I snuck the "i like you" note in his desk during recess? And then I got anxious when he didn't respond so I put another "i like you" note in his desk the next day? And 'member he approached me WITH HIS GUY FRIEND and asked whether I meant as a friend or as a more than a friend? And how I blurted out in a panic "Asafriend!" as my cheeks became enflamed with embarrassment?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that never happened.

linked up from Paige

There's got to be a better way...

2011-01-16T11:11:00.000-06:00

I cry an embarrassingly large amount when I cut onions. It's a natural response, I know, but honestly, I could do without the crying. I've actually gotten to the point where I cut my onions the day BEFORE I use them so when I sob my eyes out, I can immediately to go the bathroom, wash my face, and go straight to bed as leftover tears slowly fall their way to my pillow. (Only a slight exaggeration.)

This is where you come in. I need remedies to prevent myself from tearing up during food prep.

My grandma and cousin both said to breath through my mouth completely when cutting them - no onion smell means my back-up supply of fresh, ready-for-action, trigger-happy tears aren't given the signal that it's time for some serious action.

I gave it a shot tonight, and while it's true, I didn't tear up as much (though my eyes still buuuurned!), I had a reaction that was just as embarrassing and unappealing as the sad clown. For the sake of dinner tomorrow, I won't go into it.

So seriously, I want some advice. I COULD ask google, but really, I'd like to leave my fate in your hands. That way, when my dismal attempts at tear-aversion utterly fail, there's a physical person I could point the finger to from underneath my moist....nah, soggy pile of tissues.

And don't you dare suggest this.

Copy Cat

2011-01-15T19:49:00.004-06:00

First off, if you (ladies) have not heard of or read Jodi Michelle before, GET ON IT NOW. I have no idea who she is, but I know I love her and her honesty and vulnerability. Most of the time, I read her blog and think, "Dang it!! I was TOTALLY going to say that, only not as eloquently!" (And if you go to her site, you'll see my last post has a few echoes of this post, but I swear it was an original thought at one point...)

I was thinking of posting again and had pretty much thought about what I wanted to say and all that. Then I went to her site and saw she posted on the same topic 2 days ago. For Pete's sake, woman! Get out of my head!

So in the spirit of individuality, I'll say something different. Or the same thing differently.

Please comment... Just this once. (Maybe). I'm perfectly content talking to myself (I'm an excellent conversationalist with myself... we could go on for hours), but it's far more awkward for me when I'm not sure if I'm still carrying on a conversation with someone who checked out 10 minutes ago (or months ago). So for the sake of my sanity, drop a note every once in a while if you can. Much obliged. :)

Life Management

2011-01-12T14:00:00.000-06:00

I've noticed a growing number of my female friends own a "Home Management Notebook". At first, I attributed it to being just my married friends who have a home to keep up for their family, but recently, I've seen more of my single friends begin to implement this into their lives as well. For those who don't know (because I certainly didn't), inside are schedules for cleaning, cooking, different recipes for food and homemade cleaning agents, decoration ideas, and pretty much anything else you think might belong inside a home organizational binder.

I have NEVER heard of this concept before. My mom never had such a thing, though I can't see her operating on such a system. It seems very confining to "manage" your home by scheduling when to do cleaning and shopping and what to cook each night. In a way, it makes sense, I suppose; if it's on the schedule to clean the bathroom every Saturday, you KNOW the last time the shower was scrubbed and you don't panic when a friend decides to spend the night and you suspect she may venture into the bathroom to shower the next morning before you've had a chance to wipe away that odd dust that accumulates on the corners of the tub. (see, I definitely don't have any specific examples) Ok, I understand the necessity sometimes...

But my life schedule is always different! It's not guaranteed that I'm going to be home on Saturday - I may be traveling for several weekends in a row. I don't feel this burning desire to schedule my life and tasks and meals like a manager over a restaurant either. And I feel like a lot of these weekly tasks could be accomplished without the use of a schedule, if only I could use my time appropriately instead of hitting gmail immediately after getting home from work.

Oddly, I still feel this pull towards it though. Not necessarily because it's how I function best and how I know things will get done if I do it that way. (In reality, the binder will sit in my nightstand where I'll pull it out every few months, stuff papers inside of it that have been floating around/stuffed in the same nightstand as the binder and throw it back into the darkness for the next month. Again, I don't have specific examples on similar binders.) Because so many of my friends are utilizing this management notebook and their lives are so "clean" and organized and simple, I feel like I need to do it this way too in order to have a clean, organized and simple life. The end result appeals to me greatly, but definitely not the means on how to get there.

So while I try to figure out how to accomplish such a smooth life, I'll make do with small steps.

Small step #1: Be intentional. Vague, yes. Working? More yes. It can be as small as doing the dishes in the 10 minutes I have while cooking dinner to setting aside time to read each day and being deliberate about which book I read to even bigger life things that I can't even contemplate right now.

Next, I need to work on making a Dove Dark Chocolate bar last longer. It may not be related to accomplishing an organized and simple life, but I still think it's very important.

Confession

2011-01-11T19:17:00.003-06:00

I hate new years resolutions.

You might ask if my reason for hating them has anything to do with the fact that I can't keep them.

Maaaaaaybe....

BUT. I hate the fact that people don't make the decision to change something (eat healthier, excersize, treat/pamper yourself more, manage money better, ect ect ect) when they realize something's wrong. I get it, the new year makes for a nice beginning point, and year long goals are easier to manage when it starts January to December. But still...if you realize that you've put on 10 pounds in the past 2 years, why wait to do something about it?

To be completely fair, I'm doing an awful lot of assuming and am only guessing that a lot of people do this. My basis for such an accusation? I did it. Guilty.

Of course, this goes a bit deeper than what I'm admitting. Having everyone list of their new years resolutions reminds me that once again, another year has passed and once again, I'm not where I thought I would be right now.

I've already mentioned before in blogs years past that I thought by now, I'd be married to an amazing man and have a kid or two that I stay home with. Obviously, that's not the case; I've reconciled that long ago, but I'm still reminded of those old dreams when I see friends moving onto the next stage of their lives.

Instead of having aspirations that are dependent on other people (i.e. marriage and kids), a few years ago I decided on ones that I can control more: paying off student loan debt, enjoying/growing in my job, moving towards missions, that sort of thing. And guess as to what I've done/been doing?

Zilch.

I get so embarrassed about it too. I beat myself up over how I'm not accomplishing much and how I haven't done this or that. I hate how I had all these big plans for myself and how I was going somewhere, but nothing (substantial) has happened.

But truth be told? No one else cares but me. No one else is as torn up about the fact that I'm not debt-free and doing accounting overseas except me. As far as I know (and please correct me if I'm wrong, I can take it), no one is ashamed of where I am in life.

So really, I need to stop making a big ado about nothing and actually ENJOY where I'm at right now. I need to stop apologizing to myself about not reaching a certain milestone when I think I should be. I DON'T have to have everything done by 25. CS Lewis didn't even become a Christian until he was 33 years old. Julia Child didn't start cooking until she was 37. Jesus didn't start His teaching until he was 30. I've got time. (Thank you for the reminder, Lauren!)

The big stuff happens in your 30's....I've got at least 5 years. :)

It's just a dip in the roller coaster.

2010-10-13T10:57:00.004-05:00

It hasn't been a month, but I'm ready to post again. Hope you don't mind. :)

When I looked back at my (few and far between) posts, I noticed I was going through a spiritual high earlier this summer. God was rocking my life and it was awesome! I was really thinking through some things in my life and calling myself out on things.

Man, that seems like forever ago.

My spiritual life, like many others, is best characterized as a roller coaster. I'm high at some points, and then I drop low with a plummet that makes my stomach lurch (we're talking the really scary roller coasters, not the fun ones.)

The thing that kinda separates me (in not a good way) is that I'm easily affected by the events around me. Depending on who I spend the weekend with/what I've done with my evenings and the little things surrounding those events, I could be high or I could be low on a smaller scale within that general trend.

In the spirit of vulnerability, I'm kinda low right now. I know what I need to do (get in the Word more and really seek Christ), and I'm working my way there. But for now, I'm low. Blame it on the busyness of life or any other excuse you want, but the truth is I haven't made my God a priority like I should. I need to be better about guarding my time with Him.

I went to a missions conference 2 weekends ago, and it got me excited about missions again - I hadn't realized that my passion was waning. My direction hadn't changed, but my vigor in pursuing it had. I loved Revelation 7:9 "After this I looked and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and in front of the Lamb."

Every nation, tribe, people and language!!! Can you imagine?!?! All crying out in one voice, "Glory to God who reigns on high!!"

And if that didn't rock my world enough, God gave me just a tiny little taste of it on Thursday at Anthem. I wish you could have been there, in the top row of the balcony in Cornerstone's auditorium. 1,200+ people crammed into the room, every single hand stretched out and giving God glory by singing, "With one voice we shout Your praise, Holy holy be Your name, glorified and lifted high, we long to bring You praise!" 2,400 hands!

I wish I could say I was belting it out with them. I wish I could say I had hands outstretched before me. But all I could do was sit and weep in the back row, blessed beyond belief by a church body that is so sold out for Christ, grateful that God would give me such a small glimpse into what heaven is going to be like.

If that doesn't give you a renewed fervor to pursue Christ and have joy regardless of the circumstances around you, I don't know what will. I'm on my way back up.

Also, it's amazing how a simple verse that you've heard all your life can bring you to your knees. 2 Corinthians 5:21 "God made Him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God."

What do you do when you're dipping low in the roller coaster of life?

Ah reunions....

2010-10-11T11:52:00.003-05:00

Why, hello!! Remember me?! Oh, you don't? Hm...well, I suppose I can't blame you. I've gotten particularly good at saying, "We should definitely get together!" (write a blog) and then totally fail at any attempt to reconnect, whether it's for lack of material or motivation.

Well, get ready for a purge of epic proportions. (Maybe.) Holy crap, it's been forever since I blogged...

It's been 2 months in the duplex, and I'm still, as Paige refers to it as, "nesting". I very much associate this phrase with being pregnant and preparing the nursery, and since I have not been with a man nor received any divine message from God (as I'm pretty sure there's just one Messiah, not two to come), there is certainly no bun in the oven. Whatever you want to call it (anything but "nesting"), it's been fun.

Trim has been painted (while on steroids, which are incredible, by the way. No wonder athletes take it!), cabinets have been organized, basements have been deflooded, mold has been removed, furniture has been arranged... it definitely feels like home now.

So besides making my home feel like my home and working, what have I been up to that has kept me so busy and away from you all?

Taxes.

I know it's not tax season yet, but it's quickly approaching, and soon I will be sitting behind a desk either delivering delightful news that the government garnished more than they should have and you get to pay off credit cards from Christmas shopping or breaking the devastating news that you claimed far more exemptions than you should have and unfortunately, you owe quite a sum. Can't wait, really.

I have to admit though, I am a bit of a tax nerd. It's like a puzzle really, and if you fit just the right pieces together, something marvelous can come of it (i.e. money!). I've enjoyed doing them thus far, but part of that may be that when the information is presented to me, it's all nice and organized within 2 or 3 pages of my textbook, and it's not all mashed into a shoebox where possible tax deductible receipts and paystubs have resided for the year.

Well, it's time to close, for now. Just like you shouldn't feed a buffet to a starving man (his body can't handle the mass quantities of food that he's not used to), I will refrain from delivering every juicy detail from the past 2 months. I'll be back though. With pictures. =D

Flood of '10

2010-08-14T11:34:00.002-05:00

"Water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Literally." -Katie

Tis true. Ames had (last I heard) 8 water main breaks and water levels plummeted to dangerous levels. We're advised to not flush the toilets, take less than 5 minute showers, not do laundry, and boil water if we want to wash dishes, cook, drink, and any other necessary water uses.

It's shocking how priorities change when you don't have clean drinking water. I have given up trying to drink half my body weight in ounces, I have showered far less than I am comfortable with, and I feel horrible about pouring water out of my pasta after it's been cooked.

I was asked to help move a friend out of her flooded apartment this morning. I had already made plans, but I begrudgingly thought, "Fiiine. I'll go be a good Christian...." (totally contradicting what a good Christian should do?) As I rode my bike there, I passed a church that was passing out free water.

Uh oh...

It seems absurd to me to be battling over whether or not I should stop for free water. I rode my bike in circles for at least a minute trying to decide whether I should bail on the friend for free water (clean water!) or whether I should keep moving forward. I'm so THIRSTY!!! And it's 3 gallons!! That's a lot of water!

I ended up leaving the free (clean) water, crashed my bike on the way to the friend's, and once I got there, found out they had already finished moving her. Soooo....I went back and got the water. Win win win. Except for the bloody knee. THAT I WASHED WITH THE FREE CLEAN WATER!!!

So much to do!

2010-08-06T08:46:00.002-05:00

It's been just under a week since we moved in, and I'm LOVING it so far! It's a place of my own! My living room, my kitchen, my bedroom, my bathroom!!! And Emma's, of course...

So far, we've:
-thoroughly cleaned all the kitchen cabinets and walls and doorways (my rag was DIRTY!! Gross!)
-got our kitchen unpacked and set up, complete with a pantry for our food since cabinet space is limited.
-finally arranged our furniture in the living room (not permanent, but works until we get another couch - we've got so much room!!)
-scrubbed. the. crap. outta. the. shower. Holy cow, it was bad. And holy cow, it's clean now.
-mowed TWICE and raked up the 1 1/2 inches of dead grass that covered the top (the last tenants were kind enough to NOT mow the previous 2-3 weeks before they moved out)
-seized the mower engine because the grass was so wicked long and it was low on oil (mowers need oil?!)
-set up our internet!
-subsequently broke said internet within 5 minutes
-called and got it fixed for sure. High speed internets, here we come!

It doesn't seem like much, I know. But I've given up most of my evening activities just to get stuff done! (I only have 4 hours to work with since I try to start getting ready for bed at 8:30)

Things we still need to do:
-repaint all the trim and doors and cabinets in kitchen and bathroom (surprisingly, yellow white and true white do not go together...hmm...)
-repaint my furniture (got my paint, just need to get on it...hopefully tonight)
-organize my room - I'm still in shambles because I have no furniture yet!
-paint the kitchen! We're thinking burnt orange...it'd be a nice contrast to the white cabinets, stove, and fridge.
-paint my room - some shade of light grey I think... I don't have a whole lot of confidence in my color palate choices, especially after my run in with dark grey/navy fiasco. BTW, they did let me exchange the paint, contrary to their policy on returning tinted paint. I think it was the fact that I went well over 100 miles out of my way to find a single quart of paint. Ridiculous.
-find a color scheme for the awesome living room we have
-create my frame-art. I've got this wicked awesome idea for wall decor. Pictures WILL come
-figure out curtains for our living room - the slat blinds are NOT going to cut it.

So much to do, but so much potential!! Way excited about this!

Moving!

2010-07-30T10:56:00.005-05:00

In 2 days...I'll be in a duplex!!! Address change AGAIN!! At least this time, I'll be around for longer than a year. Depending on how things go, possibly two!

I am so excited about moving! (Again) I feel like I've become a pro at it, and with all the practice I'm going to get this weekend (moving 3 people at least), it'll be a breeze! I'm nearly packed as it is (took only a few hours - I don't have much, other than books).

I have a (million? no. a ton? no.) bunch of ideas on decorating, and I'm pumped to exercise my creative mind, pending the approval of our landlord. I plan on documenting my progress with pictures - the good, the bad, and the downright awful, tho I'm sure those will be much harder to admit to having done.

First project: my dresser, desk, and bookshelf. No pictures yet (want before AND afters), but I've already caught a snag. My colors in my room are grey(various shades), black, and olive green. Classy! :) HOWEVER. I painted all three, finally brought them into my room (i.e. into the light) and realized it's more of a navy than a dark grey. D: Nice color, really, but NOT what I want. I'm considering bringing in one of my drawers to show them - the color is close, it's just got too much of a blue hue. Psh. Last time I trust a new paint guy...

Finished product to come...

(Ps, TERRIBLE idea to bring a whole sleeve of ritz crackers for lunch to make little sandwiches. MUCH better idea to portion out the crackers. I ate the whole sleeve. D: )

Desperate Prayer

2010-06-27T23:27:00.003-05:00

God, I am SO bad at remembering that it's not about me. I am so bad about thinking that my life is about my needs and what I'm missing out on and why I'm feeling this particular way. I completely miss out on what You have me here for and why I was created.

It's not to be a wife. It's not to be girlfriend. It's not to be a good friend. Its not about being pretty or in shape or funny or gifted. It's not about looking good because of some charity I did or sounding wise because I happened to say the right thing at the right time. These things may come about as a result of living out my purpose, but they are not the reason I was created.

It's all for You, Lord. It is all for You!! Everything You have done, everything You have created, it is all to bring glory to Your name! Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades, never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame, and the cry of my heart is to bring You praise.

You are the only One that can satisfy me. You are the only One that can fulfill every need I have in my life. Lord, I want to be needed so much - so use me God. Use my gifts and my talents and my belongings. Give me opportunities to pour myself out for others, not for my sake, not for their sake, but for the sake of bringing glory to Your name. Lord, I don't want to be lonely anymore - so bring me people I can minister to. Give me people that I can pour my life into until there is nothing left of me, and then fill me up again so I can continue to be a blessing for Your name's sake. Lord, I want security - so stretch me and break me so I see no other way. Lord, you've brought me to this place before and came through and blessed my life so much - do it again! I ask as a small child delighting in her Father over something amazing that He did. So Abba, do it again!

Lord, You know my life is Yours. Thank you for waiting patiently for me to relinquish control over each area of my life, sometimes several times over. I forget easily of what I promised and why it's worth it, but Lord, I know You are. I know how smoothly life flows and how joyful I feel when I'm walking with You. I don't know why I stray, but thank You for forgiving me each time I do and welcoming me back with open arms.

God, I know You want to do big things through me. I don't know when or where or how, but Lord, please guide me and be with me. Jehovah Jirah, I know You will not leave my side. I know You desire to be with me and comfort me in ways I do not understand; God, I open my heart to You. Renew me. Change me. Make me more in tune with You. I know this means trials and tribulations are in store, but I rest on the truth that You will not place anything in my path that I cannot handle. I trust You with my life - I'd be silly not to.

I love You, Lord.

P90X

2010-06-03T22:30:00.003-05:00

For the record....

Anyone who wants to keep track of what mess I'm getting myself into fitness-wise can visit my other blog at www.revampmyfitness.blogspot.com

I intentionally didn't share the last time someone asked because I hated (yes, hated) the previous link name. This is better, I think. No more bad connotations.

So laugh it up while you can. Because come August....pretty sure I'll be able to take you down.

I want an inciting event...

2010-06-02T22:16:00.003-05:00

I haven't blogged in forever. I'm sorry. Things got away from me...

I stopped reading Ortberg's "The Me I Want to Be" in lieu of Donald Miller's "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" because everyone ranted and raved about it - I had to see for myself.

Love it. Seriously. I think he's dead on in way too many aspects that I am able to go into detail about. But seriously, you should read it. Cause Donald's kinda awesome.

He talks about memories a little later on in the book and why some are more memorable than others. I don't remember why because I haven't thought about this a lot because I just read it last night, but I really liked his explanation of it. (So go read it to find out for yourself!!!)

I want to make more memories. I want to break out of the norm and do something spontaneous that will linger in the recesses of my mind for no other reason for enjoyment and amusement when I look back in 5 years. I want to enjoy life and live it intentionally.

He also talks about conflict. I'll be brief, because I could go much deeper. We love movies where the characters are forced into conflict. They have to fight their way through and end up coming out of it on the other side a changed person. But in real life, we tend to avoid conflict; it's uncomfortable and it's often hard. Who wants that?! But that's what great life stories are made of! Facing conflict and moving forward!

So this got me thinking. I want my future someone (this is the husband we're talking about here) to do just that. I want to join him on his adventures and face our conflicts. I don't want life to be comfortable and easy. I want to embrace life, even when it gets difficult! And I want someone who will plunge headfirst into it - not because he's comfortable with conflict or because he knows what to expect, but because it's just a part of life and great stories (lives) come from facing those conflicts.

In the meantime, I'll chase my adventures by myself (or with friends, if they're willing). So. That being said.... anyone have any ideas? Cross country trip? Backpacking across the west? I'm P90X-ing it up for some major adventure. Please don't leave me hanging...

2010-04-23T22:13:00.004-05:00

Have you ever longed to dance a dance you don't know the steps to, or to sing a song your heart does not know the words or melody to?

Lately, my heart has been so full, so bursting, that all I want to do is express my love in an outward form - to create something in honor of the one who fills me in every way.

I wish I knew how to write music or poetry or anything. I wish I wasn't so self conscience to the point where I cannot express myself and my love for God.
----
A friend was describing a girl he knew back in the day. Whoever she was with dictated what her personality and interests were. She formed to their personality and didn't possess her own.

When I look at my old relationships, I can see the same pattern. With Bryan, I liked the music he liked. With Paxton, I enjoyed and took on his taste in music and movies (with the exception of White Stripes). And even with guys that I was interested in, I conformed to their interests.

I know I've grown tremendously in the past 2 years since I turned my life over to God, but I still feel like I'm not entirely me yet. C.S. Lewis got me thinking:

Suppose a person know nothing about salt. You give him a pinch to taste and he experiences a particular strong sharp taste. You then tell him that in your country people use salt in all their cookery. Might he not reply 'in that case I suppose all your dishes taste exactly the same: because the taste of that stuff you have just given me is so strong that it will kill the taste of everything else.' But you and I know that the real effect of salt is exactly the opposite. So far from killing the taste of [food], it actually brings them out. They do not show their real taste till you have added the salt... it is something like that with Christ and us. The more we get what we now call "ourselves" out of the way and let Him take us over, the more truly ourselves we become" (189-190)
Mere Christianity

I love that concept! That the more I pursue God and seek Him, the more me I will become. I've thought about that idea since I finished Mere Christianity a year and a half ago, but it hasn't gone further than that. It seems very desirable, but so hard. Something that I'm not sure I'm capable.

And I'm right. I cannot.

John Ortberg's new book The Me I Want to Be goes more in depth into that concept. I cannot do it - God works in me and through me instead.

People think it is our job to bridge the gab by our effort. But we can't. This gap, too, can only be bridged by grace. Self-improvement is no more God's plan than self-salvation. God's plan is not just for us to be saved by grace - it is for us to live by grace.

Love it. And if that wasn't enough...

Am I lost or just less found? On the straight or on the roundabout of a wrong way?
Is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
Cause my comfort would prefer for me to be numb,
and avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become.
Brooke Fraser, C.S. Lewis Song

I'm not who I was made to be. I was created to be something so much more, and I long to be there.

I don't think I will ever be able to enough praise to the Ultimate Creator, my God. I'm baffled that He's satisfied with my clumsy dance steps and inferior praise. But until eternity, it's all I can offer.

5 minutes!!

2010-04-13T22:46:00.002-05:00

Fast blog because I NEED to go to bed.

IMB called. They want me.

Too soon though. I can't do next summer.

London has a need for a JMan and I want to be that person!

But I cannot because of my job and loans.

Finally worked up the nerve to talk to my boss.

Instead of hoping that I'd stay 4 years like he said before...

He's now saying 2's fine.

Beginning of 2012!!!! London!!!!! (All Lord willing, of course)

Friends and Family are AWESOME in providing encouragement and prayer!

Many bible verses were given to help calm my racing mind and remind me to have patience.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Jeremiah 29:11
Matthew 6:24-27

Just to name a few. God's good.

Jehovah Jireh. Why do I forget so easily?!

Sorry...

2010-03-28T21:38:00.005-05:00

I know it's been forever. I apologize. I really sucked this past month.

However, a lot was happening, but at the same time, it was the same kind of thing over and over, so I didn't feel the need to blog, especially since I had emailed everyone I knew about what was going on. (Grandma's health)

In case you live under a rock or I didn't tell you (the latter is much more likely, so I apologize), Grandma Henderson fell and broke her femur. After the surgery, they discovered fluid on her lungs and her kidneys weren't functioning well. Post several MRI's and CAT scans, we discovered she had kidney cancer (again) that had metastasized to her bones (not good). It's stage 4 (terminal) and she's going to be in a ton of pain until she dies. Upon her death, I honestly do not know where she would go, but I have a pretty good idea that it wouldn't heaven. So if I haven't asked you (and even if I have), please pray for her. I really want to have the comfort that she knows Christ and will be going to heaven.

In other news, I'm going to Florida in June! My old church is taking their high school there as a mission trip kind of thing and they needed more female leaders, so they asked me. Way cool!! However, this body is NOT going in a swimming suit IN Florida. So I've started exercising (shocking!) and eating much better. I'm hoping to lose 20 pounds? but we'll see. My old exercise blog is back up if you want to check that out for a laugh or two.

I'm hardly a walker, let alone a runner, so I'm taking it slow to begin with. I can't expect to run a 5K a week after I start running for the very first time. It's really not reasonable, and very few people would argue with this.

I kinda see this same idea/concept concerning prayer. (betcha didn't see that one coming...)

I didn't pray a lot before I started my prayer candle. In fact, it was pretty much limited to group settings where we all prayed and when someone had a specific prayer request (I'd pray right there if I remembered, but really, only that one time - I'm deeply sorry if you're one of the ones I never prayed for. I really regret not being there to intercede for you). I was very weak and my pray endurance muscles were atrophied. So when I started my prayer candle commitment, thinking that I could pray 30-45 minutes a day and work that thing down, it didn't take long to realize that I just don't have the 'muscles' to do that yet. I should, theoretically, be at 2/3's of my candle left - we'll just say that it's not.

Just like I need to start slow with running, I need to start slow with praying. My end goal IS to be able to pray that long and be a strong prayer warrior, but I'm so weak right now; I fall asleep, I get distracted, and I fantasize conversations that I had or will have (but probably not) in my head, always adding more witty lines that what I actually said (or ever could say). I'm learning how to pray over my distractions and talk to God on a basic level. I'm learning to look beneath my fantasies to the underlying condition of my heart. I'm learning to be more committed to praying for someone continually and how to keep a journal to keep track of who and what I've prayed for. But I've still got a long way before I can run my 5K.

So I will not be completing my goal of burning down my 70 hour candle before May. I'm still going to work at it, and I'm still motivated to get there because my life has been rocked in the awesomest way since I've started trying. But I know, realistically, I can't train for and be ready for a marathon in 3 months.

Oh Technology...

2010-03-09T19:17:00.003-06:00

We've never been good friends; perhaps that's my fault. I've refused to get to know you at all. Quite frankly, you scare me. You require more knowledge than I possess or could even hope to understand. Nobody likes a complicated person; don't you know that?

I knew you were bitter against me, but I never thought you'd take your retribution on me with such great vehemence.

You smote my car!

You gave my ipod amnesia!

And there is a technological curse upon our office!

You're just plain mean. It's a cruel trick to wreak havoc on simpletons' lives just to watch and laugh maniacally while wringing your hands or perhaps petting a fluffy white cat (Technology=Dr. Claw?)

But I wanted you to know you haven't bested me.

I'm READY for repair costs thanks to the emergency fund I've built up over the past month.

I backed up my favoritest music last summer when my laptop threatened destruction (and accomplished said self-destruction AFTER my backup was complete) and will only lose maybe 2 or 3 "kinda want" artists. In fact, thank you for helping me finally clear out the music I don't mind but couldn't bear to rid of because of my indifference.

As for our office....well, we'll consider it this way.

Technology: 1 Danielle: 2

I win.

Down but not out

2010-03-08T21:54:00.002-06:00

Another book down, and we're just over one week into March! Psh, this book thing is easy!

Last week was rough though. I was exhausted all week and had no motivation or energy to do anything. I could have (and maybe did a few times) cast blame on different activities that sucked my energy, but truth be told, I sucked. I stayed up late, accomplishing nothing (meaning no prayer time or Bible reading) and while I made use of my time, it was not a God-honoring use of my time. I need to seek Him more throughout the day, including mornings and evenings. God should not be reserved for a specific time slot of my day; I should be focusing and meditating on Him continually throughout.

Despite last week being pretty rough (by my own doing), I still feel closer with God and more at peace than I ever have. In the past, having a bad week like that may have gotten me down, and I would have given up; that's just how I dealt with failing God. But THANK GOD, His mercies are new every day!

I thought of a funny China story today:

During the last week of our trip, we visited the Great Wall. Beijing had just been hit with a blizzard of epic proportions (by Beijing standards, considering they didn't have shovels), and it was so cold! Before we made our trek up the mountain of stairs before us, we decided on brunch at Subway to warm ourselves up. When we entered, they had some awesome techno music going on, and being the attention-drawing Americans that we were, we started a 'rave' within Subway while waiting for our orders to be taken. Full out American dance party! It was so awesome! But the funny thing was, the Chinese Subway workers could care less about the scene that was in front of them; we were completely ignored! Mind you, we weren't dancing to draw attention; what better way is there to warm up than to bust a move? But honestly....if a bunch of foreigners came into your store and started dancing up a storm, you'd at the very least watch, wouldn't you?

Results of the first month?

2010-02-28T22:16:00.003-06:00

Success!!

February 28th, and I've read 2 books (one more chapter and I'll have 3!), created a wall decor (which I'll post a picture of later), and have made some pretty good headway with Ephesians and my prayer candle and Bible readings!

It's exciting to see God move in when you decide to start intentionally living for His purposes! I am by NO MEANS even close to where I want to be, but God has blessed my baby steps along the way, and it's clear that this path is so much easier and joyful because it's HIS! No doubt, there will be rough times and months that may not turn out like February has, but in the long run, I have a feeling it will be so worth it!

I still need to work on submitting every area of my life over (the hardest part is my mornings...ugh) and using my time wisely, but I'm sure with practice, I'll get better and better.

It was hard to keep from dancing during worship on Saturday. :) I love being drenched in God's love and blessings!

But, oh, how easy it is to praise during times of abundant blessings...

God is faithful to reveal where I fall short and struggle

2010-02-23T21:58:00.004-06:00

The past three mornings, I have heard BIRDS chirping outside my window! Very faint, and it doesn't last long, but I hear them!!!

Or, it's my delusional state, having been submersed in snow for so long.

So the getting-up-early thing isn't working out so hot. Maybe it's because I'm staying up too late the night prior and not ready to get up yet. But either way, it's not working. I need more discipline. Rrrr.

My leader's group on Monday prayer walked around Cornerstone Church, praying for our leaders and those serving and those being served. It was so awesome! We probably could walk that church all night long, beseeching God for several different things, and never run out of things to say or thank God for or ask for. I really love prayer walking, and I would love to do it more frequently; it's a shame my self-conscious nature prevents me from doing so, as I'd probably look like a fool, talking to myself. In China, it was no big because no one knew what I was saying anyway. :)

March is (supposedly) craft month! I'm excited because I spent about 2 hours (umm....probably shouldn't have) on instructables.com picking out different projects that I'd like to do. Here's to being more creative!

Today, LisaGrace gave me a series of books that I've already delved into and adored from the beginning! I'm already halfway through the first book (granted, today was a VERY slow day at work), and there's three in the series, which is called The Mark of the Lion by Francine Rivers. It is SOOOO good! I forgot how much I love Christian fiction! I get so lost in the stories! They're incredibly historically accurate too, which is really neat!

It got me thinking today though; I get so wrapped up in Christian fiction that everything around me fades away and I'm oblivious to what is happening around me. The stories pull me in and I enter the character's world and feel what they're feeling.

There's nothing inherently wrong with this, but why don't I feel the same draw to the Bible, where I want to read it and get so lost in the story that my name needs to be repeated several times to pull me out of my trance? Why don't I feel the Biblical character's pains and struggles and victories as well as I feel Hadassah's in Voice in the Wind? What difference in value do I place on the two books that leaves this great chasm? And what do I need to do to be changing in my life to make my value system and priorities line up more appropriately with Christ's?

Harder than I thought

2010-02-20T21:02:00.003-06:00

Like I said in my last blog, I'm giving up all internet related things (with the exception of blogspot and gmail) in lieu of seeking God more. It's only been half a week, but MAN is it hard!! I didn't realize my tendency was this strong! I made a list of things that I wanted to do Thursday and Friday evening and Saturday afternoon, but when those times came, I threw myself a little pity party because I couldn't do the thing that I wanted to do (or rather, the thing that's become a worthless habit). I DID get some stuff done like finding myself a sweet dresser, finishing a wall decoration, sorting through my closet to find exactly what little nice clothing I own, reorganizing, finishing a book, and picking up some sweet music. I recommend A Fine Frenzy; I'd pull up a video on youtube for you to listen in on, but that's already proven to be a land mine of wasted time. (Though I did find this SWEET video of funny asian people)

The book I finished is called Through Painted Deserts by Donald Miller - amazing. I've ALWAYS wanted to go on a road trip through the country; no agenda, no time constraints, just you, some friends, and some sweet God time. This book only makes me want to do it MORE. Favorite line:

And if these mountains had eyes, they would wake to find two strangers in their fences, standing in admiration as a breathing red pours its tinge upon earth's shore. These mountains, which have seen untold sunrises, long to thunder praise but stand reverent, silent so that man's weak praise should be given God's attention.

I seriously get chills every time I read that. Oh, Donald Miller...you are most definitely one of my favorite authors.

I've still got some discipline issues to work on, but it's marked improvement from the way I used to spend my evenings. Hopefully, I'll get to a point where I can actually complete things in one evening, instead of getting distracted. I'd also like to get to a point where I can actually drag myself out of bed early so I can read or pray before I leave for work. I know I am capable, but I am so not willing to do anything at 6 am. At that point in time, there is no thought of honoring Christ; I am 100% self-centered.

We'll get there...we'll get there.

Sick Candle Food

2010-02-09T10:13:00.002-06:00

Yep, it's that time again. When my productive hacking cough could compete with a 60 year old experienced smoker's and the melodic sounds of sniffles and blows fills the silence of my sick/snow day (or sick of snow day), you know it's cold season. And lucky me, I'm down to 5 kleenexes left! Sometime soon, I'll have to venture my way outside and brave the cold and several inches of fresh snow to get to the store. Oh, but the prize will be so worth it....VICKS VAPOR KLEENEXES!! Yesss...those amazing things could clear out your sinuses immediately! Someone in my family has been known to stuff them up her nose, just to get the maximum affect of the vicks vapors. Hmm...I cannot wait!

In case you hadn't noticed (which I'm assuming you didn't), I added something else to my list of 2010 goals over ther. <-- I bought a 70 hour candle, and by end of May (or hopefully sooner), I want to have used up the entire candle. It's a way for me to keep track of my prayer life and a reminder to myself to have that one on one time with my God. I'm not by any means saying you need to light a candle when you pray; it's just a tangible way for me to see a goal being met - being more diligent about being in prayer.

Let's see.... work's good, I've been more disciplined about staying on my schedule and setting aside that time for God each day. It's surprising too - when I have a schedule and different things I need to have done each day, there's less time for facebook and hanging out with my email 24-7. Who knew?! But I'm seeing more and more that I don't need those things and they've become a distraction (I always knew this in my head, but I didn't realize how bad it was until now). So for the lent season, I'll be giving up all internet related things with the exception of email and blogspot. No online tv shows (which means no tv shows period, since I don't ever watch them on the actual television anyway), no facebook, no online comics or MLIA. I don't NEED any of that stuff, and my time is better spent becoming a more disciplined person. Chuck, Community, House, and The Office do nothing to help me grow as a person, but continuing to practice cooking different things, organizing my life better, and setting aside more time for God most definitely will!

And speaking of cooking... I spent all weekend in the kitchen (at least it felt like it...)

-Friday, I made Sarah Owen's Enchilada Soup and tried my hand at making steak and green pepper stir-fry. The soup was great, the stir-fry was not. Meh

-Saturday, I made LisaGrace's Chicken Alfredo Pizza - it was so good! And everything was from scratch, so it made it all the better!

-Sunday, after spending all day at church(s), I came home and made Cheesy Spinach and Bacon dip for the Super Bowl Party at Todd's. The only reason it wasn't all gone at the end of the game was because we ran out of chips. =D

-Monday, I made Paige's Chicken Tacos. It's totally uncharacteristic of what typical tacos are, but they were amazing! Everyone ate until they couldn't eat one more bite! The guacamole I made with it was pretty fantastic too.

Overall, a VERY successful weekend of cooking! It was really encouraging to see that I can not only make edible food, but really good meals too! (with the exception of the stir-fry...still not sure what was wrong there...)

This afternoon, I'll be making cookies for Kyle, who said he'd change my brake pads tomorrow. Gotta love a friend who'll do car work for you in exchange for cookies!

Part 3: Where I am now

2010-01-31T19:44:00.002-06:00

Ah, back to real life, the life as a post-graduate and alumni of ISU. Well, not quite, as I haven't had a job, and for a while, a place to stay permanently.

While I wouldn't say I was what Christ described as "the least of these", I was definitely in need when I got back. I had my part time job at Cornerstone (where I spent a week catching up on my hours), so I needed to stay in Ames. Several friends offered their dorm rooms or houses to let me spend the night, but I really hated imposing on them; I don't want to be a burden! I also reached a point where I needed to apply for the Food Assistance Program; talk about a low blow to your pride... But, thank you God, the body of Christ stepped up and blessed me abundantly. I had a friend who, when she found out I didn't have a regular place to stay, commanded me to stay at her place the rest of the week and left her debit card with me for any needed expenses I had that I couldn't cover. God, bless her!

After a week, I moved in with Justin and Sarah, and it's so amazing. I really am so grateful to them! They've been a huge blessing, and are so great to live with!

Then, God opened His blessings door, and provided me with the job we've been praying for for months! LisaGrace is moving to Iowa City in the summer and asked if I wanted her position. After talking with her bosses, she told me they'd like to start me immediately instead of in June!

God, You are holy and so sovereign! You knew all along!!

I'll start this week, and am so excited to start paying off debts and building a strong financial foundation for myself! To help guide me and make the right financial decisions, I started the Financial Peace University class today. I have such a desire to honor God with what He has given me!

About a week ago, I spent an hour looking back through my posts and seeing how far God has taken me this past year. A lot has happened! I realized my purpose and where I want to ultimately end up in life (in missions), I battled over and over again to guard my heart (sometimes failing, sometimes winning), I was forced to trust God on several occasions to provide for me in difficult situations, I finally became content with my singleness, I did a rather spur of the moment trip to China, and SO MUCH MORE. Since choosing to follow only Him nearly 2 years ago, I have grown emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. I know what I need and love and hope for, and I love who God is shaping me into (as I let Him...). Which brings me to my 2010 goals...

I know I'm doing this a month late and all, but I had more important things to deal with than resolutions (job, where to live, how will I buy food?!). I've always been terrible with them, but I have a new vigor for them now. I've been inspired by a few friends, and I have a true desire to move forward with where I am now! New year, new decade, new rules. And to help keep me accountable, I've given you a list over there.
<---
I'll add to it and update as I go (and if anyone knows the html for the 'strikethrough', I'd greatly appreciate it!)

And, to solicit more comments, what do you think of the new web-do?

Part 2: Don't ask, "Why, China?"

2010-01-31T18:43:00.002-06:00

Man is it hard not to do this... So many times, things would happen that made NO SENSE, but there's no point in asking. There's no answer anyway.

For example...

A intersection has 4 stoplights, all pointing in different directions - pretty normal really. Except there is also a traffic cop in the middle of the intersection directing traffic.
or
China has the delicacy (which I use VERY loosely) called "stinky tofu", and seriously, they're not joking. Every time I caught even the slightest whiff of it, I would gag. I feel ok saying this (knowing that Chinese might read it as well) because they, too, can't stand the smell of it. And yet it's popular enough to have it near any large group of Chinese people (and, um...it's China. Large groups are the standard.)
or
The incessant need for prevention of diseases (face masks everywhere), and yet the creation of split pants. Children in China are not potty trained (more or less), so instead, they'll slit the back of their pants so when the kids need to go, they can squat and go in the streets. You NEVER leave anything on the ground and you certainly don't sit on it either. Everyone knows what's been there at one point or another.
or
The need for traffic signs. There are no traffic 'laws' in China; only suggestions. 60 kmph does not mean you cannot go 100 kmph in the middle of town. (next time you're in your car, check to see how fast 100 kmph is.) More on this later...

By the time Christmas rolled around, we were kind of Chinese food-ed out, and needed something American. That morning, Mike texted us: "Hey, wanna go somewhere fancy for lunch like TGIFridays or Papa Johns?" Amazing. And quite honestly, that is 'fancy' in China. We chose the former, and I had my first TGIFridays in China. :)

Early on, I learned a few Chinese words to help me get around. However, just because you say it confidently does NOT make it right... I went around telling Chinese people thank you in Chinese for their service saying "Shway shway". I got funny looks, but I didn't think too much about it. A few days later, someone corrected me: xue xue (she-a she-a). I had been telling everyone "sleep sleep" the previous few days!

Towards the end of the trip, I tried to learn more phrases (and probably annoyed a few teammates as I repeated them over and over again :)), and for some reason, thought it was a good idea to practice in the taxi. Never practice your Chinese in a taxi. He thought I spoke Chinese, and halfway through the trip, he started a conversation with me. I have no clue what he was saying, but he was quite persistent the rest of the way home. Yikes... All I could say was, "I am American, and I am awesome. This place, bread truck."

We had a ton of interesting taxi rides, and several reminded me of car chase scenes from action movies. Our final night in our town, we watched Bourne Ultimatum. The chase scene there was a yawn - we see that and participate every day in those thrill rides. And just because the Chinese streets are 2 lane doesn't mean that 3 cannot fit, though it is a squeeze. Just sayin'... At no point do motorbikes, bikes, or pedestrians have a right of way either. On several occasions, we had REALLY close calls with running people/bikes over. A few times, I was that person. (I swear, the taxis come out of nowhere!)

If you ever go to China, be ready to be stared at. You really feel like a celebrity; people will openly gawk at you and even take pictures. Those who are especially bold with ask to have their picture taken WITH you. We went to one campus and ate at their cafeteria. While our friends were ordering us dinner and we were sitting at the table, a group of 5 lunch ladies came and stood at our table, just looking at us and smiling. We laughed awkwardly at their own lack of self-awareness and Kimberly took out her camera to take a picture. As soon as she had the camera out, they all scattered VERY quickly!! How funny that they have no problem openly staring at us from less than 5 feet away, but heaven forbid we catch them in a photo!

There's more "ah, Chiner" stories, but I feel like this is enough to tie you over for now. Part 3, coming up next!

Intro + Part 1 = I'm tired of writing.

2010-01-21T13:13:00.004-06:00

Ok, fine. You got me. It's been __ weeks since my last post. And, as one might guess, a ton has happened. So much so, that I've dreaded writing because SOME OF YOU decided to move overseas and I can't tell you personally about everything that has happened and you're really the only one who is clueless at this point. A lot of work for 2 people....(cough-jess and mike-cough)

But since I love you and miss you (man, do I miss you), I'll write you a freakin' blog. 3 part series, like I suggested a few days ago. I even thought about what my 'parts' would consist of. And, just like me, I forgot. Sooo here goes on-the-fly thinking.

Part 1: Serious Chiner.

Part 2: Funny Stories Chiner.

Part 3: Post Chiner.

Thus begins my story.

China was pretty awesome, but probably in a different way than you think and one that I really can't explain. It was really sweet to see a completely different country than I have never experienced in any fashion before, but I'm not sure what my true feelings toward China are. The best way to describe it, at this point, is that awkward place when a guy and girl are maybe thinking about a possible relationship but they're just not sure if they're ready or if their heart is truly in it. Funny, I've been back 2 weeks and couldn't figure out where I was, but that's a pretty accurate description...

So anyway, in case I didn't tell you (and I don't care to bother to look at previous posts to make sure), we hosted Christmas parties the first week and shared Jesus with over 500 university students that week alone (INSANE!). The following week and a half was spent doing follow-ups with those who seemed interested in knowing more.

Nearly the entire trip was g0-g0-GO! which was really good; God blessed us abundantly with the energy needed to build a lot of relationships and hold out patience for the communication barriers. Surprisingly, our last party was just as energetic as our first, and that is ONLY by God's grace.

At one point, I was able to share a part of the gospel using a few Chinese words I had learned; I loved how their eyes lit up when I (attempted to) use Chinese! Granted, it may have been because I had tried to use their language, but I know that greater work is done in their hearts when you use their heart language to speak truth to them.

The biggest lessons I learned while in China didn't come through interactions with the Chinese people or even through China itself; it came through realizing my own shortcomings and dealing with the sin issues that resulted.

On this trip, I lost a lot of possessions; it seriously seemed like every other day, I either lost something, or would have lost it if it hadn't been for team members saying, "Danielle, do you have your hat? Gloves? Bag?" I swear, I'm not that irresponsible! (But see?! Even there, you can kind of see what sin issue I have...[yes, the ONLY one ;) ]) The climax came when I reached into my bag and realized that I had lost my portion of the trip money. Oh my word, I just wanted to collapse and cry. How could I, the ACCOUNTANT, lose money?! My team was amazing and said nothing of it. "Danielle, really, it's ok! It's better the money than you. Don't think anything of it." But no consequences? No punishment of having lost so much already and then losing the money?! I couldn't accept that, so I punished myself by consistently guilting and beating myself up. Go figure, team unity wasn't too strong at that point. But God laid it on thick the next morning during personal time.

1 Peter 5:5-7 "Young men, in the same way be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, 'God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.' Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

Thank you, Jesus. My teammates were extending grace toward me and wanting me to be free of the guilt, but my pride wouldn't allow it! Dang, it's one of those sin issues that, if you think you don't have it, you do. And just to drive the point home, God gave me this one the next day:

Philippians 2:3 "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves."

Touche. I considered myself better than my teammates because I was the co-leader, and the oldest at that! I am better than that. I'm above losing things, like some 5 year old. Ahh, but then, there's that nasty haughty spirit, another facet of pride. Darn you, Satan!

So yeah, lesson learned. "Thanks, God! I'll be on my way..." Nope, He had more plans and lessons on humility. More on that in part 3 though. (Gotta have the draw! Ya know?)

I also learned more about what ministry I'm suited toward as well. (This is it, I promise. I know long blogs are hard. :( ) I adored Kosova and really am indifferent to China; in Kosova, I did more philanthropic work and manual labor whereas in China, it was ALL evangelistic. Makes sense if you look at my list and ratings of spiritual gifts; serving/helping hands is at the top of my list and evangelism is quite low.

In the past, I've struggled to reconcile the fact that if, Lord willing, I go overseas for missions work, that I'd be in an office doing accounting; it seems to me that if I'm a true missionary or working in missions, what I'm doing should be hard or it doesn't count. But God equips us with different gifts for a reason; we can't all be evangelists or accountants or technicians or teachers. Evangelism is definitely not my area of skill; I felt like regardless of how many times I practiced sharing (remember... the gospel was shared with 500 people. Lots of practice.), something just wasn't clicking in their minds and I wasn't being effective. That's ok though; God can use anything, and I'm only responsible for planting the seed, not forcing it's growth. Wherever I go and whatever I do, I'll share. But it's comforting to see, with finality, that it's ok to be an accountant.

(lol, that last sentence just sounds ridiculous.)

Stay tuned for part 2

2009-12-15T09:46:00.003-06:00

I've officially completed my last exam, all my papers are turned in, no more assignments....

This can only mean I'm ready to graduate! Wooo! Now I can REALLY sing, "no more pencils, no more books, no more teacher's dirty look" and MEAN it!

And then it hit me. Like, 2 minutes ago. (And the first thing I did was come here to tell you!)

I'm done. I'm not a student anymore. It's been a part of my identity for the past EIGHTEEN years. And now, under "occupation" on applications, I'll be forced to write something other than "student". Currently, that's "unemployed".

After this realization and before I finished typing the blog, I went to the kitchen to cut onions and cried. The tears were because of the onions, of course - not because I'm sad to be done.

(yeah, my roommate didn't believe me either.)

insert Flight of the Conchords:

I'm not crying...It's just been raining... on my faccce

I'm not crying... I've just been cutting onions... I'm making a la-san-gaaaa

For your information there's an inflammation in my tear glad

My eyes are just a little sweaty today

I don't know what I should be feeling now: disappointment or embarassment

2009-12-09T19:06:00.004-06:00

I've always held the position that drinking isn't all it's cracked up to be. I wasn't ever curious to know what it was like, and consequently, didn't have my first drink until I was 22.

So what did I do for my 21st birthday instead of going out to the bars? I went to the gas station and bought scratch and play tickets.

I just realized today that you only had to be 18 to buy those tickets.

I explained to the cashier why I was buying the tickets - to celebrate that I finally could. The odd look she gave me explains so much now...

I think someone's confused...

2009-11-29T12:08:00.002-06:00

New Huffy Disney Princess Bike Commercial:

Girl 1: "Where's the prince?!"

Girl 2: "He's stranded in the castle! We have to save him!"

Both, throwing fists into the air: "Princess to the rescue!!"

Enter heroic music: Girls save Prince Teddy Bear

Girl 1: "The prince is safe now!"

Both: "Time for another adventure!"

At what point did princesses begin saving princes? And since when did princes start getting stranded in the castle and unable to get out? Are our princes so oppressed by princess-led feminist revivals that they can no longer defend themselves? Or do our princesses feel that they cannot trust their princes to take care of themselves?

I'm just kind of in awe of the whole thing. Never before has a commercial gotten me to think so long after it aired. (Currently, probably 4 hours ago) Don't the Huffy marketers know that the prince saves the princess, not usually the other way around? Or are they picking up on some trend in society that the woman needs to 'save' the man and are subliminally teaching 'our' children this? (I say subliminal because the two people I showed this to didn't even notice the dialog behind the advertisement)

Putting 'prince saving' behind, I would think that the background music would match more of a princess theme, not 'knights storming the castle' theme. So at the end of the commercial, when the announcer says, "With Disney Princess bikes, every girl's a princess!", I fully expect to hear "hero" instead of "princess", based off the music.

Maybe I'm going too far with this. Maybe I need to actually put my thinking behind the multitude of assignments and exams that I DIDN'T do this past week. But this commercial thoroughly bothers me. Gender remodeling at it's finest.

(To see the commercial: http://www.huffy.com/Default.aspx and click on "see our new commercial" at the bottom left)

2009-11-25T00:59:00.003-06:00

Aw, man. I suck at being funny on purpose.

There's really no reason to tell you this, other than the fact that it's true. I've seriously contemplated blogging several times the past few weeks, but all I've got is a few updates that could be accomplished in a few sentences. Nothing amusNO WAIT!

Since it was the Friday before Thanksgiving Break and my student teacher for recitation knew that no one was going to show up, we watched a History channel special on "The Black Plague!" It started out talking about how nasty the plague was and how you could catch it even if someone breathed on you if they had it. (Thank goodness, you don't catch the plague from people just breathing on you even if they don't have it....although when raunchy breath is involved, sometimes you feel like you could) Oddly enough, some people survived for no apparent reason; they just had this crazy immunity to the disease.

enter Danielle's amazing ability to sleep anywhere at any time....

I wake up half an hour into class to deep thumping music and gyrations on the screen. Um....gross. Somehow they made a segue-way from The Black Plague to the AIDS virus... And now I'm thoroughly awkwarded out. Turns out some people, no matter what "risky" behavior they've involved with, cannot catch the AIDS virus. Ah, there's the connect.

Unfortunately for me, after that class, I just felt weird all day. Nothing like waking up from a nap to male gyrations and retro photos of men lounging pool-side. ~shudders~

Now for the update:

I'm cool if God moves me to Denison. I'll still have my connect to Cornerstone, and who could complain about that?
I'm packing my apartment. It's slow-going, but not because there's so much. It's because there's almost nothing to pack and it just feels weird seeing everything...empty.
I'M GOING TO CHINA.
3 weeks of school. And then I will no longer hold the status that I have clung to (exaggeration) for the past 18 years. When asked for my occupation, I'll actually have to put an occupation. What will I choose?! There's just so many....
Speaking of which, I've only applied for one job and it's not looking promising that there will be any others. So here's to praying I get the job? (By the by, I did get a second interview. December 2nd. Pray. for. me.)
I'M STILL GOING TO CHINA.
I got new glasses. Way excited. :D
Still LOVING this November weather. Screw snow.

Yep, that's pretty much it. See you in 3 weeks.

allow me to be vulnerable... and lengthy

2009-11-04T22:10:00.004-06:00

I'm terrified into oblivion. And it makes me cry, but not the "weeping and sobbing" kind, just the "single tear that rolls down your face" kind. Much more mature.

Rest assured, I'll probably be ok tomorrow. Or in an hour, after I've read me some Jesus.

What am I terrified of?

Not being happy.

I'm paralyzed into indecision because I'm afraid that if I take the job (that, by the way, hasn't even been offered to me yet. yeesh! I'm ridiculous...) and move to Denison, away from my amazing church and close friends and all the support anyone could ever need, I'll fall apart into a small pile of lonely, unhappy Danielle-crumbles.

I desperately need people, like I need food and water and sleep. I become a very crabby mess if left by myself for a day or two.

This isn't to say that Denison is inhabited by antisocial aliens, plotting to ostracize me in response to my coming and disturbing their peace. I know that people are there and maybe even a few Christians.

But I'm afraid. What if there aren't people in my demographic? (20-something, fresh out of college, taking the world by force [clearly me]) What if I find that no one can relate to me? What if there isn't a Cornerstone Church there? (ironically, there is. But I bet you anything, it's not my Cornerstone Church)

Or even scarier... what if this is all just a disguise for me not wanting to trust God in this area?

The tears that are welling up say I may have hit the nail on the head.

I don't think that it's that I don't WANT to trust. It's that I've become comfortable where I am, and just like anyone else, I'm uneasy when it comes change, especially the radical variety. Things will be much different. Things will be much harder. (more sniffles) But God can still challenge me and grow me and love me, even 2 hours and 29 minutes away from the body of Christ I've become a part of.

Have you noticed that I keep referring to a certain church? Mom dropped me in our wrestling match (metaphorically speaking) when she said, "You need to start worshipping God and stop worshipping Cornerstone Church." Sucker-punch. More introspection.

I had, essentially, rejected everything else she had said up to that point (because she just doesn't understand [rolls eyes now]), but this.... this made me stop and think. Am I really 'worshipping' Cornerstone and not God? The fact that I fell prostrate on my face during worship and wept uncontrollably (man, this post is making me look weak!!!) tells me differently. But then again, any time I refer to what God's doing, it's in reference to a group affiliated with Cornerstone or Cornerstone itself. Oh, I know it's all from God. But I tend to mention the church more than the true source.

That begs the question... If I claim to know it's all coming from God, couldn't those same things be happening in Denison? Assuming of course, that God is in Denison. By resisting the move because God's moving in Cornerstone and I'm a part of that, implying that I wouldn't be used in Denison like I am here, am I putting God in a box? (That, by the way, was not what my mom told me last week... [clears throat loudly])

Clearly, I have issues. And answers.

So I'll give Denison a chance. Who knows, just maybe, God will push me out of my comfort zone to share the gospel with all those unbelieving Denisonians.

And how bad can a town be that has an open burning of all their leftover pumpkins from Halloween?

2009-11-04T09:06:00.004-06:00

Ever get excited about something and forget about it the moment someone/something distracts you?

All the time.

My frozen pizza has been sitting on TOP of the stove for half an hour 'cooking'. Yay me. :) I don't even remember what distracted me...

I know I do this frequently though. I'll think to myself, "Ok, I've GOT to get this done today! As soon as I get home, I'm going to make that phone call/finish that paper/reply to that email!" And then I'll get home and all I can think about is those wonderfully soft warm blankets calling my name. (cause it's so cold here...[sarcasm]). Phone calls/emails/papers are forfeited for ... man, I don't even know. I just forget.

I should probably call the next time they have those infomercials for My Lil Reminder.

2009-10-21T21:27:00.002-05:00

Man, I love cheese.

So our family group (Bible study for international students) is going well, but not as well as I would prefer. We've talked about who God is, His characteristics, what Jesus did and who He is, and everyone seems to have a good grasp of it. They're understanding and forming their own (sometimes very difficult) questions to better understand what's going on. But there's a huge gap between making the jump from head knowledge to heart knowledge. I almost wonder if this feels more like a class where you're learning new philosophy, and not about the God who can change your life.

A huge thing I've picked up in Theology of the Gospel is that the depravity and sinfullness of man MUST be explained! The international students see no need to be saved if they don't realize that they need to be saved from something. We posed the question, "Do you think man is overall good, or do you think all men are evil?" Only one out of 10 internationals said man is evil. They have no concept that they've sinned against God and need to be saved.

In two weeks, I'll be doing the lesson, and I think I want to take this on. It's something I've been convicted about through the past few weeks, and I feel like it really needs to be said. So PLEASE, be praying for me. I'm way intimidated (I don't feel that I'm eloquent or have the gift of evangelism, but then again, neither did Paul) and I want to share this critical part of the Gospel in love. By the by, I'm glad I have 2 weeks to do this. :)

In other news, I'm finally being faced with the big decisions that I knew would inevitably come. Do I leave Ames for what appears to be the perfect job? Or do I hold out in hope that God will provide me a job here? The biggest concern I have is my spiritual life. I feel like I still have far to grow with my walk with God and I KNOW Cornerstone will continue to push me and challenge me. I don't have that assurance in Denison. I also don't have the strong spiritual support of a group of women who know me and where I struggle and know how to encourage me.

So tough.

Any advice on either matter would be much appreciated. Honestly.

tmi?

2009-10-13T18:01:00.004-05:00

Yesterday as I was cramming Kleenexes in my nose to keep from blowing every 5 minutes, I thought to myself about how attractive colds are. And how good of an excuse it is to do something dumb and maybe (hopefully) gain sympathy instead of ridicule.

Today, Mr. Cold took it to a whole new level. While we're not full blown I'm-taking-over-your-face yet (and I'm going to try to keep it that way), we're starting the aches, joint pain, and chills. I don't remember colds being so hard on your body! Anyway, I'm staying home tonight to try to give my body a rest since I was up and out all day. Hopefully we still have some DayQuil in the cabinet...

In other news, I love love love my dad. I met up with him in Ankeny to watch Lauren's volleyball game and it was so good to hang out with him. He took me out for dinner and grocery shopping and we had a lot of good talks. I'll definitely miss him a ton when I eventually move away. ~sigh~ If only I could take all the things I love with me when I leave... It would make everything so much easier!

Update:
The pathetic frozen popsicle has returned; I've resorted to wearing my big sweatshirt and thick socks, sitting on the kitchen floor next to the oven while my frozen pizza cooks while keeping my warm laptop in my lap.

Winter is SO going to kick my butt this year.

2009-10-12T09:28:00.003-05:00

Still freezing. So cold. What happened to sweatshirt weather? We went from warm t-shirt days to needing the big winter coat. I miss the comfy sweatshirt days. :(

I took my guitar in to Reimans to get the neck on my guitar straightened (it was really bowed and it made playing very hard). A few minutes later, the guy came out and said it was much better. And then:
Him: "There's a little problem with your strings though; [plays a few chords, and one of the strings buzzes really bad] one of your strings is broken."
Me: "Yeah, I need knew strings. I plan on getting them soon"
Him: "And, um.... do you even HAVE a tuner?"
Me: [embarrassed] "Well, yes, but...."
Him: "Cause it's REALLY out of tune. One string was an entire step off, a few were sharp, a few were flat..."
Me: "Yeah, I'm learning a song where I have to drop the A to a G."
Him: "No, it's just out of tune. Badly."

Yeah, so I'm the guitar chick who clearly doesn't actually play her guitar. Fantastic.
On the flip side, I was referred to this guy on youtube who will walk you through a song and teach the strumming patterns and everything; he's kind of amazing. I learned "Flood" by Jars of Clay in half an hour. I feel way cool now. :)

I'm loving the missions internship! I've got the Perspectives website up and ready (just need to make a few changes) and I'm really excited to get registration started. With that said, go recruit family and friends! Send them to www.perspectives.org/ames!! The class is totally worth the cost! (Or, for those of you not in ames, you can search for a class nearest you - Pella, Des Moines, and Danville all have one. There are more too!)

Battery dying. Bye

swf with cold hands, warm heart seeking...

2009-10-07T11:20:00.004-05:00

I have a new mission. Or rather, an old mission, but for new reason.

I need to find a man. With a solidly warm core body temperature.

Yes, yes, there are other reasons I desire a husband. But right now, warmth is pretty darn high on my list. It's a sad thing when you can't get your core body temperature to warm up FOUR HOURS after you were outside for 10 minutes. In 44 degree weather.

I'm pathetic.

But I'll leave that out of my "w seeking m" wanted ad. No one wants a frozen pathetic popsicle for a wife. :)

2009-10-04T20:55:00.002-05:00

It's funny how you have no problem with a certain thing that you're doing until someone mentions that maybe you should, in fact, be keeping the fourth commandment, even now. And you shrug it off like it's no big thing, but then God lays out the truth and you're convicted. In a very hard way.

The past two weeks have been terrible. I haven't been utilizing my time as I should, and as a result, have been staying up until 2 or 4 am studying. Part of it was that I had a bajillion exams (at least one a day, sometimes two) and couldn't keep up with just those, but I probably could have been better prepared if I had been keeping up with the readings and other various things beforehand. Hindsight's 20/20 though, and last Monday, I woke up and was ready for the week to be over. I had no time to rest at all and my body was revolting hard core. Conviction, like always, wore me down, and I've decided to start keeping a Sabbath.

Keeping a sabbath seems kind of 'old testiment'ish and very unpractical for today's busy world. But I was reading through the first few chapters of Genesis, about God creating the world, and even He, on the 7th day, took a sabbath and rested. I'm pretty sure He would have been fine to have kept on going, without taking a day of rest - He is, after all, God, right? But I think He was setting an example for us. Our bodies can only take so much work before they collapse. They need time to rest and get their strength back for another week.

I've been wondering what exactly a Sabbath would look like for me since my schedule is absolutely insane and I barely have time for anything. But upon closer inspection, if I actually utilize my time like I should (taking advantage of 2 hour lunches to get some reading done instead of watching tv or being on facebook), I should, in theory, get stuff done. I still don't feel like I have a lot of time (too many commitments), so I'm adjusting my schedule accordingly (no more Salt Company :( ); I really want to use my time wisely. That way, when my Sabbath does come, I can just rest.

So sabbath for me = no homework and no housework. I would love to use this time to visit with friends and hang out. I'm a social person and being by myself makes me very short-tempered and grouchy and being with people is rejuvenating for me.

That being said, this weekend was my chance to recuperate from the hellish 2 weeks I went through. And today was awesome.

I slept in until 11, woke up when my roommate got home, and we decided to clean the apartment. Very thoroughly. Amazingly enough, we finished in just over an hour. Yess!! It looks soooo good now! The power of a clean apartment should never be underestimated! There was more that I would have liked to get accomplished today (progress on a paper due friday), but Rome wasn't built in a day, was it? Growth takes time.

I busted out the guitar again too. I've got a terrible system where I take a week and build up my callouses by playing hard, and then I leave my guitar to gather dust while my callouses wear off. It's a painful process. This cycle, I'm trying hard to learn to 'pluck' the strings for this one particular song - I've never been able to get my fingers coordinated enough for it. But I made good progress tonight! Maybe I'll post it when I get it mastered? (Look for it in a year or so)

Blah

2009-09-25T20:18:00.003-05:00

I'm caught in a funk right now - it's not enjoyable (duh), but I'm plugging away. I've been saying that I only have 3 months of school right now and I can totally do 3 months worth of that if it means there's no more. I think I'm wrong - I'm definitely feeling the affects of knowing I'm done soon. I have no motivation to do any of my schoolwork or study. I've also noticed that I'm echoing the same sentiment many of my classmates are: we're all planning on landing a job before we graduate, so why should we try hard this last semester? Our GPA doesn't matter after we graduate anyway.

While it makes sense (to an extent, assuming we DO all get jobs before we graduate), it's not what God wants. "Whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do all for the glory of God." So I need to be studying for Him. What I learn now could impact how I do in the work place and I need to be doing my best in all areas for the glory of God.

Mmmm conviction.

In other news, I've landed an interview with AEGON. I'm not excited yet because last year I got an interview as well, but it didn't go any further than the first interview. There will be more excitement (or dread) if I land the second interview. Although, Jodi pointed something out: AEGON is in Cedar Rapids and I wouldn't be able to do the missions internship. I'm praying God makes it very clear what He wants me to do.

Well, it looks like it's time to hit the books once again. I'm not fond of History, but I've got an exam on Monday that's going to kick my butt unless I start cracking (the books).

Ew...no pun intended.

2009-09-12T18:52:00.002-05:00

Man, it's been forever!

It doesn't feel like forever though, because I, on a regular basis, seriously consider writing a post and often times mentally write out a rough draft about what said blog will say. But, as many may have noticed, those blogs don't ever come into existence. (By the by, is it still considered a legit blog if i only type out 2 paragraphs? My initial answer is 'yes' because my blog title says '5 minute blogs' which seems about right. So expect more? Or a change in blog title.)

Boys are confusing as heck. IDK what to do with you all. (ps, if 'you're' reading this, it's not about you. pretty sure you know who 'you' are.) It's seriously been way too long since I've dealt with any of this and quite frankly, I don't what I'm supposed to do. Not that I ever knew what I was doing anyway - I'm apparently not all 'up and up' on my relationship lingo. (i.e. going on a date isn't dating. wtf?!) Anyway....all this to say that I'm not sure there's anything anyway, but nevertheless, I often times wish guys and girls weren't so different in their approach to relationships. Things get hella confusing and it's ridiculous.

Ridiculous.

On the unconfusing other hand, I got the missions internship at Cornerstone Church! This is so exciting!! I feel like I should be compiling a 'Christian' resume - something that I can give to missions organizations that say my missions related experience and classes and whatnot. Good idea? Bad idea? Cause there's a lot I'd like to use on a resume, but don't feel like it's appropriate for a Professional resume. Make sense?

And also, there's a new addition to my face. If you've seen it, don't tell Mom or Dad. :D

2009-08-24T22:50:00.002-05:00

IIIIIIIII've got a mac! Woot! Seriously, I love this thing. I feel very cool. :)

Today was the first day of classes. I'm even less enthused now than I was before. My classes are going to be so dull. Ugh! Just this one semester, and we're done. I can totally do this.

It's funny though - I went into what I thought was my religion class, sat down, and realized the class had been changed to "classical studies". Of what? Archeology. Greek archeology. Oh my word... Just reading the syllubus was enough to make me panic! "Study archeology data, make deductions about the data, and facilitate discussions about those conclusions."

...what?

Needless to say, I'm dropping the course and trying to find another. If you remember and want to pray big, pray I find a 11-12 class or a 12-1 class on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday that fulfills my global perspectives requirement. I need that class to graduate this December!!

Things are still looking up everywhere though! Jodi was amazing and gave me verses to meditate on and pray over. I love how seeking Him brings immediate relief! What was once something that I was fully freaking out about became something that I can practice faith and trust. He's provided so many times for me, why not now?

I also adore the movie Pride and Prejudice. Kiera Knightly is ridiculously beautiful.

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii'm gonna soak up the suuuuuuuun

2009-08-17T20:59:00.002-05:00

Quite literally. Soaked it all into my backside. Woot. We're at the itchy peeling stage. Very hot. :)

Oo! I went to Sonic for the first time! I was craving a burger so I got the super-Sonic artery-clogging double cheeseburger. Never had the ketchup-mustard-mayo combo on a burger before. Very interesting. Hard to finish. So worth it.

Still feeling chill about 'the big unknown', surprisingly. God's been good, and He's giving me a peace that's totally uncharacteristic of me (in this situation). I'm hoping things will stay this way. I suppose this is kind of up to me? (staying faithful and trusting God will take care of everything)

Let's see... I have my own couch and chair now! Thank you, Frederiksen Court and your never ceasing need to renovate apartments! So come this December when I am graduated and no longer living in university-owned apartments, I'll at least have a couch to sleep on! (The details on the apartment and job to pay for the apartment are still in the grey (or black) area)

I'm excited for school to start, only because I can't wait for it to finish. BUT I am thoroughly excited about what Cornerstone is doing this Fall and I am SO excited to be a part of what's going on!

If you may remember, I made a resolution to meet someone new every week. Well, this summer, I may have slacked, but I have made up for it in the past 2 weeks. People I've met? Melinda, Jill, Vanessa, Junko, Steve, Lydia, Karli, Samatha, Amy, Bonnie, Scott, Colin, Jacob, James, Norman, Jonas, and Meghan. I think that might be it... Maybe a few more. :) I looooove meeting more people!

New Post!

2009-07-31T20:19:00.005-05:00

I love that, even when I'm not completely faithful, God blesses the attempts I make and give me joy beyond description. I've made it more of a priority to get into the Word on a daily basis and praying whenever I recall something that needs prayer (even if I pray several times a day about the same thing), and though it seems like my efforts are minuscule right now, God's been so amazing in helping keep my focus on Him and not on the crap (because that's what it is right now) around me. So much is not going my way right now, but I've got complete joy and peace in Him because my focus is on the eternal.

It's funny to see how Satan keeps trying to trip me up (see below), and several times the past few days, I've realized an attack coming from him and (hopefully) laughed in his face. Things are SO much easier to deal with when I recognize the source!

So funny story -
On Friday, I got home from work and turned off my car, pulled my keys from the ignition, and started to get out of my car. And my car starts on it's own. Well, tries to, really. The starter just wouldn't turn off! I was so completely baffled and thrown off. I mean, there's NO reason why a car should start on it's own, right?! I'm calling my dad, my mom, my house, my dad again, trying to get ahold of SOMEONE who might be able to tell me what to do. Then I grow up and go to the car place on my own. On the way there, I realize my anxiety, anger, frustration, and literally laugh at loud at how easily I can be distracted from God's hand on my life. He's got it all under control, why am I freaking out so much?! The old guy fixed it for me (took off my positive battery terminal) and all better. Fingers crossed, it won't happen again (and I saved $175+). But regardless, another attack from Satan thwarted. Nice!

Aaaand my laptop is 'fixed' thanks to the amazing Drew! The issue with slowness can be resolved by adding more RAM ($20). As much as I hate my computer, I think the reason I hate it is because of it's slowness. The RAM would apparently fix that and would probably be worth the money. So it's worth of a shot!!!

Time to go do my cousin's dishes for $5. :)

To any of you who argue that country music is good... I do believe you are lairs.

2009-07-20T21:03:00.003-05:00

Today, I had the "pleasure" of listening to a country music station for 7 hours. I heard all the sure-to-be classics, including...

"God is Great, Beer is Good, and People Are Crazy" (profound),
"Beer Gut" (after the hit "Honky Tonk Badonka Donk", why not complete the mental image of the girl and throw on a protruding, beer induced belly? Classy.), and
"Big Green Tractor" (who's lyrics included something along the lines of "Ride with me on my big green tractor, I don't care where we go, as long as I'm with you". Mmm....I'd rather walk. And seeing as you're riding a big green tractor, probably without you.)

I didn't catch the title, but I'm PRETTY confident I heard the lyric "we'll mosey out the door and make love". Um...

Needless to say, after hearing "Beer Gut" for the third time, I begged the women I was working with to change the station because I didn't know whether to laugh (because of the ABSURD lyrics) or cry (because I felt myself getting stupider by the second).

I'm not exaggerating about any of that.

My friends, I am not a country girl at heart. Blah. Ya'll can keep your twang and banjo.

Paige, promise me you won't live and breath country music when you move south and develop your southern belle accent complete with a porch, rocking chair, sweet iced tea, fried chicken (recipe from Paula Dean's cookbook), and the dozen other things we discussed but can't recall at the moment.

2009-07-18T22:51:00.002-05:00

Gah, I hate it when I have so much I want to blog about but when I sit down, I never remember what it is. Completely frustrating. I'm thinking bullets for this post, yes?

"The roommate" is moving out on August 8th, we think. Yess!!!
I love it when I am approached repeatedly to play frisbee! At the park, when one friend left (while we were playing), another would come. I played frisbee all freaking night!!!
I also love the band Reilly. They're kind of incredible, and may be the soundtrack to my life currently.
I am so unfaithful and undeserving. But God blesses me and allows me to bless, and I'm so completely grateful for that! I need to do better. I need to make this relationship top priority, and honestly, this is something that's hard for me-I'm distracted easily. Way way too easily...
I adore clean apartments. I have SUCH an appreciate for them now!!!
Blue Like Jazz (check) Captivating (check) Love and Respect (in progress and if you EVER plan on being married, this book should be a prerequisite. Incredible. Thanks, Paige, for the recommend) Living Life On Purpose (finally found it yesterday, will be finishing soon) Irresistable Revolution (I'll start it when I receive it from my cousin)
It's really hard to see someone disappointed and there's nothing you can do to comfort them. I want to reach out and say something, but there's little I can say or do to remove the feeling of failure. :(

On another note, I feel I have the gift of discernment. I feel like I am able to see when Satan is attacking and see through his lies (for the most part). The really irritating thing is when he uses truth and twists it into lies. Unfortunately for me, Satan feeds me those lies, and when I recognize him working in my friends' lives, I want desperately to grab them and show them what's going on, but I'm afraid I'll either come across as a crazy person (paranoid by demons) or I'll be given the look that says, "Duh! It's kind of obvious, isn't it? Thanks for the 'help'." Either way, the general message is "Don't share!" And, because he always makes things so believable, it's hard not to listen. So, at the risk of sounding crazy or obvious, I'll share.
(PS, I think stress is the same way - Satan distracting us from what really matters. I'm not preaching from a pulpit though - I'm just as guilty and continually fall prey to Satan's traps)

I really suck at Spider Solitaire.

2009-07-12T19:20:00.003-05:00

So, now that I've gone home and shown my parents, I feel I can share my news (not that it's big or anything): I got my tragus pierced. I fully expected them to not like it (they've always been against 'rebellious' things, and I assumed that included any piercings you couldn't get at Claire's). Reactions?

-Jenny thought I was pointing to my ear because she thought I was talking on the phone.
-Lauren thinks I'm turning into a hard core punk girl and I'll never be the same. (as if piercings change your personality)
-Mom immediately thought of how it's going to appear to potential employers (assuming my two-toned hair doesn't turn them off first...) and forbid me to get another. (I want another.)
-Dad was just grateful I didn't get my tongue pierced (guess the lip ring is out...)
-Amber says only lesbians have their tragus pierced. But after thinking a bit, decided maybe she'll get her's done too (after she does some internet research to reassure herself - she'll get back to me)
-Kimberly noticed and was excited for me - she suggested getting another (the one I want to get)
-A handful of people thought it was cool
-Other than that, no one else really cares (didn't think they would)

Kinda hurts like crap sometimes. No pain, no gain though. And my piercer (Church) was really nice - I think I'll go back to her again.

The family went for another bike ride again today - 20 miles this time. About 4 miles in, I fell down. It's kinda a long story, so I'll just say I slowed to a stop but didn't put my feet down on the ground and the bike tipped over onto a nice cushiony pile of rocks and gravel. Tractors and ice cold cokes may have been involved.

I have yet to play frisbee. (Maybe I can get my dad to?)

I'm still not fully back yet

2009-07-06T18:30:00.003-05:00

I am:
*utterly
*completely
*totally
*100%
exhausted.

But I had an AMAZING week last week.

The sad thing is no one cares to hear.

So you, lucky reader, get to hear all. Or a lot. Or maybe just a few pieces. I am quite sleepy...
(I considered not writing until I was fully awake. But that wouldn't be nearly as entertaining, now would it?)

Cornerstone Festival is frickin' amazing. I have no idea how the crap I have not gone until this year. And yes, you can say, "The people you go with can make the festival fun or not," but you'd be false. In my opinion, the festival rocks regardless of who you're with. I'd go back next year even if no one else did.

Awesome:
*fighting demons and weeping at the love of God while walking in the rain after a hard day of feeling rejected
*hearing Deas Vail and then getting a Deas Vail frisbee!!! (yeeeessssss!!)
*walking through the mud with bare feet
*hearing some incredible bands who have not made it big yet, but I'm sure they will
*hanging out in the mosh pit for Underoath (barefoot, mind you. my feet have a purplish hue now. it's not a punch to the back of the head (nearly happened) but I'll take what I can get)
*working at the coffee house and serving people (I loved chatting with complete strangers)
*the incredible weather. one warm day, one rainy day, the rest was perfect!!!!
***hanging out with friends and getting to know everyone better!!

Hilarious:
*nearly getting peed on by a little kid at midnight
*whoopee cushions
*leaking tents (no one but me found this amusing at the time, so I managed to keep my amusement to myself. but really? the chances of 3 tents leaking? funny stuff.)
*Walt drop kicking the sweet iced tea
*Rich!! (pronounced Rick)
*Bawls (it's so fun to be immature...)

Seriously, good time.

In other news, I read through some of my old blogs on myspace (I'm using it now for keeping track of bands) and...um....I was crazy. Very random, quite funny sometimes, and I found myself asking (...) me why I was with him so long? (there were a couple rant blogs that I'm REALLY hoping were privatized before I deleted them) It's interesting, nonetheless, to see exactly how far I've come, how much I've grown. I'm continually shocked that I'm not the same person I was 2 years ago.

So here's to another 2 years of changing for the better! (I've certainly got a good running at it!)

2009-06-19T21:45:00.002-05:00

Epic fail.

I could go on....Lord knows I have. But I'm worn out with my story, so we'll just say the whole deal yesterday was an epic fail and we are SO screwed if we're ever attacked. We all died yesterday. Twice.

On the plus side, I was filmed for an interview on the news.

On the down side, they used the other girls that were interviewed beside me, and skipped me.

Oh well, no matter. It wasn't really a waste of my time; it was a waste of theirs. At least we know now that better procedures need to be put into place. And they need to cooperate.

I'm going to run to the grocery store soon and then head to bed. It's another early morning for me, and then I'm heading home for Father's day. :D Love you, dad!!

2009-06-17T11:58:00.002-05:00

Small world!!

So I'm doing this role play crisis thing for the next few days. I get all done up with incredibly realistic wounds and I have to be saved by Iowa's first responders and the National Guard. You want me to play the 'damsel in distress' (with a bone sticking out of her leg because of an open fracture)? Hella yes.

So today we had orientation for the whole shpeel. I sat next to this nice looking girl and we chatted for a bit. Since we're both in the same group, we exchanged names and phone numbers. Then we sat there for the next 5 minutes thinking to ourselves, "Hmm....Lampe/Henderson sounds so familiar..." Turns out our dads worked together in Waverly and she was really good friends with my sister. We had fun making fun of the people who asked the same question over and over again.

"So what are we supposed to bring? Do I need an extra pair of clothes? What time do we need to be there? Can I bring my fanny pack?" All legitamate questions (other than the fanny pack question - fanny packs are SO out of style), but it gets ridiculous when the same 5 people keep asking the same 4 questions. Listen people!!

Anyway, I'm putting in 19 hours of playing the victim tomorrow. It'll be fun, but very very long. I'll be keeping my NoDos pills close by. Phfew!!

Yes, Gnarls Barkley, that does make you crazy

2009-06-13T11:42:00.002-05:00

It's been a while, and a lot has gone on. Makes it hard to actually write. I'll never remember everything...

Panera still hates me, so I kept looking for jobs. And after a month of having no source of income or anything to do (because astonishingly, I got NOTHING accomplished, other than 20-25 applications), I found a job! I'm working full time at a bakery with plenty of overtime. So much overtime, that the weekend can't come quick enough! This week, we made 33,000 dinner rolls, 5,000 flatbread, and 7,000 bread bowls. Ridiculous. I dream about weighing dough now, no joke. This job is an answer to prayer, and a miracle too - I didn't think it would be possible to earn enough money in a matter of weeks to pay my bills for June, and I had said it would take a miracle to do so. God came through though! And I really couldn't be more grateful! Exhausted, but incredibly grateful!

I love the women I work with too - they're so fun and have a great sense of humor. But they are so lost too. Several of them, if not all of them, have a boyfriend/son/husband who was or currently are in prison. Not surprisingly, these imprisoned significant others don't treat these women like they should - doing drugs, verbal abuse, cheating with other women... And even with all of this, the women I work with adore these guys, despite being hurt by them. It's so sad - but I've got plenty to pray about while I work.

Prior to the job, I finished a few books! (Big accomplishment!!) I read Captivating again (good book!), finished Mere Christianity (probably one of my favorites now), and Just Do Something (I highly recommend it!!). I'm now reading Blue Like Jazz again and Redeeming Love. On the list is the book Jordan recommended (can't remember the name, it's too long. But it's in my cell phone!) and Love & Respect. I'm hoping to get all these done before the summer is finished! I'd forgotten how much I love to read!

Things are going better with my roommate too - it's taken a while, but she's becoming more respectful of my sleep time. I'm not ready to give up the ear plugs yet, but at least she's taking her phone calls to China in the living room and not in our bedroom at 2am. That's a huge improvement!

I love reconnecting with friends!! For real, it's amazing to know how much you're cared for (huge hugs when you see someone you haven't seen in a while are amazing!!). Hugs are always very acceptable. :)

Well, it's time to go fix some clothes and blankets. I've got a couple skirts that need to be taken in (yay for losing weight!) and I want to make a cover for my down blanket. Thanks for your sewing machine, mom!!

You're ridiculous.

2009-06-01T23:38:00.004-05:00

But I'm probably more ridiculous for reasons far too many to list here.

It's been bugging me lately that my pinky that I broke in high school isn't straight. My hands aren't symmetric anymore. Granted, they haven't been for 5 years, but it bothers me more now. There isn't anything I can do about it though, short of rebreaking it and taking it to a DECENT doctor who can fix it straight. (The break didn't hurt that much the first time. I laughed the entire time. How bad could it be now?)

The job search continues. In case I haven't asked yet, if any of you know of any place hiring, please hook me up. I'm 4 weeks without a job now, and buying my food with blood money. (If that doesn't cry desperate, I don't know what does)

Speaking of jobs, WTF is up? (frick, not that other naughty f-word I can't bring myself to say or type) Since when did businesses start hiring people who don't care about customers, haven't handed cash transactions, and don't want to serve or work hard for their money?

Not to say I have seen these people in these businesses, but they sure aren't hiring the people who do have a great work history and ethic, have dealt with cash like it's play money, and desire to serve the customer (aka, me).

I'm still trusting, I'm praying, I know God will come through. I don't know His plan, I don't know what He's teaching me (other than patience, faith, trust, perserverance, humility, and a focus on Him - I'm clueless otherwise), but I know He has a purpose for this period of hard times for me.

In closing, I would like to say just how terrible it feels to get flat out rejected by a computer application. You spend 45 minutes giving your typical info, you answer all their questions, and then at the end of it all, you apparently don't qualify for a cashier job even though you've been doing that kind of work for 8 years.

It's almost as bad as being rejected because you don't like someone's beady little eyes, nasty hair swoop, and stupid little hip dance. I'm going to go cry myself to sleep now. ;)

2009-05-28T22:59:00.003-05:00

Hm.... it's been a while.

The past week hasn't been all that good, and I'm afraid I've been venting (possibly complaining) to probably too many of you. I am really sorry - I don't mean to be a 'debby downer'. If things aren't going well and you ask me how I am or what's going on, I'm liable to spill everything. I probably shouldn't (no one needs to hear all my problems) but I hate giving the automatic "I'm good, everything's great" answer. Blah.

Things are really rough right now, but I'm trying to keep everything in perspective. I've been incredibly blessed with family and friends who are both supportive and helpful.

Oh my word, Prince is... oh wow. Um....is he...? she? I'm really confused. Falsetto voice, heavy eye makeup (and not in that emo, I'm wearing eyeliner way), feminine stage presence, and yet, a very obvious nasty mustache.

Sorry, never seen him before and he's on Jay Leno tonight. Whoa.

Apparently, I'm a pro at mudding drywall. Woot! I've been helping dad finish the basement, so it's been fun hanging out with him, learning how to do some eletrical work and how to drywall. It was funny though; I put on my ipod and asked him what he wanted to listen to. He claimed, "No music is bad music!" Okaaay... I put all my music on shuffle, so he heard everything from classical music to hardcore screaming music. He doesn't hold the same belief anymore. :)

2009-05-15T17:22:00.002-05:00

I was going to write a good blog.

And then I found out I'm missing out on an amazing dinner in Newton - probably one of my favorites. French dip sandwiches.

I have no more motivation to write a blog, despite having a strong urge 5 minutes ago. I'll give it a shot though.

I'm going to finish my books that are half read. FINALLY finished Mere Christianity today after 3 years and several attempts to start it. Live Life On Purpose by Claude Hickman is next. After that, I have about a dozen books to choose from. Mark my words, they will get finished.

I got a job. Panera. They gave me a 10 cent raise. Woo. I only have one day next week to work, so looks like my vacation is extended a week. I can deal with that... That means more reading and helping Jodi in the office.

Speaking of Jodi, she suggested I fill out the preliminary application online which I am currently in the process of doing. In theory, I could have the entire process move quickly and be eligible to start soon after I graduate. But having filled out 10 applications on Wednesday, I'm pretty worn out from the whole 'giving an accurate work history' thing. They ask for the past 10 years worth of employment. Are you serious? I haven't been working that long, but I've got probably 13 jobs under my belt so far? (In my defense, we move a lot and at times, I worked 4 jobs at one time. So eat it.) And this is just the preliminary form. Apparently the 'real application' is a doozie. If I set aside all weekend and work on it, I can finish a small chunk. Holy crap, this is going to be rough. Worth it, but it will be rough. =/

Should have layed out chicken breasts for supper. Could have marinated them. Dang.

~awkward silence~

Clearly, I have a lot to say. I'm going to go now.

2009-05-13T23:19:00.002-05:00

More options, better ideas of what may lie ahead, while some other areas remain completely in the dark. One day at a time....one day at a time. (If you have an option for me, now's the time to give it)

Molly's gone for the summer, and in her bed where she's supposed to sleep is an international student. It's much MUCH different living with a chinese girl than just being friends with one. Our living habits, sleeping habits and eating habits are all soooo different. (I've never seen someone sleep till 3 pm on a regular basis!) Today she was really cute though - she started watching tv and turned the channel to the Spanish station. I had to giggle...I'm not sure she knew. It was pretty cute. :) Tomorrow, we get to tackle her online classes and I'm making a few phone calls for her so we can get some stuff straightened out.

My applications are out, I feel like I've done all I can do. I spend quite literally all day applying to various jobs whether it be food service, retail, banking, or CPA firms. I've got two probable jobs, but if I get any of the other 'higher position' jobs, I'd take them instead. (it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that I'd rather work for US Bank than be a hostess for Carlos O'Kelly's)

I'm hoping 'things' are figured out soon, although I have a feeling that they won't be for a long while. Hopefully, it's not indefinitely. God will reveil His plan on His timing. It's time to practice patience. ~sigh~ It'll always be time to practice patience.

It's been a while...

2009-05-10T17:19:00.002-05:00

God's still moving and I'm still changing. Again. (The fact that I keep repeating my blog title in normal conversation with people is getting annoying. I didn't realize how true it was going to be!!)

No CPA for me! After MUCH prodding, I realized that the only reason I was getting my CPA was because I had received that scholarship and thought that was what God wanted. But I have NEVER wanted my CPA! In fact, up until I got the scholarship, I was adamant about not getting it. I just didn't see it in my future plans (of course, none of my original future plans have worked out...). So it begged the question: why would God have me do something I've never wanted to do? (Speaking, of course, outside the realm of His commandments) It didn't make sense to sacrifice all the work, school, and money for something I have absolutely no desire for. In addition, the only reason I would have the CPA is for the title; most get their CPA for the money, but as far as I know, there isn't much of a chance in raking in the cash while working within missions.

Admittedly, I feel like I have to defend myself on this, though no one is attacking me for my decision. Maybe it's the "oh, I see you're changing your plans AGAIN, eh?" look I get. Or maybe it's just me being overly-defensive.

But I digress.

There's no need for extra school, so I get to graduate in December 2009 again!! I can't tell you how good it feels!! I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel! It will be kind of sad - this chapter of my life is FINALLY ending (I never thought I would be going to school with Shane who is 5 years younger than me), and I'll officially be one of those grown up people with a real job - a REAL person, if you will.

In other brief news:
*I flexed my management muscles once again and feel VERY good about the end result
*I have no work and no school for the next week: I plan on investing my time in biking, reading, listening to music, socializing, and looking for a full time job
*I get to visit with my missions mentor on Wednesday! Sooooo excited! (no offense, Jordan. :))
*I'm home in Newton for the next day or two, spending time with the family. Today we hiked through the timber in our backyard and ended up mushroom hunting. I hate mushrooms, and ironically, found the most.
*My feet are cold.
*I frickin' love worshiping.
*My little sister is way way better than me on guitar. And that kinda bums me out. I've been practicing so hard...

It's time for a delicious supper of chicken lips, fried morel mushrooms, and smores with a campfire. Woot!! (I love coming home!!)

2009-04-24T12:08:00.006-05:00

Guys. Seriously. My friends rock my face off. On a regular basis.

I turned 23 this past Tuesday - feels old to me because I'm surrounded by young-uns (at work, in class, at SALT, you name it). But it's so awesome to look back to last year and see how far I've come.

After surrendering everything to God last March, I've been under constant construction. There have been times where I've fallen back, but God is so amazing and faithful and continues to draw me closer and closer to Him. I'm craving Him now more than I have in so so long! I desire to live for Him and let Him bless me (since His plan is so much better than anything I could have ever figured out).

And I never thought being single could have done what it has for me (if that makes any sense at all...). I've grown so much the past year, becoming my own person, discovering what I like and what I desire in life and where I struggle the most. Throughout it all, it's so good to know that God's totally doing it all and showing me what He wants me to become and rejoicing with me on our journey! And while I struggle sometimes with my "relationship status", I've become content with where I am and I'm enjoying my season of singleness. Looking at couples like Paige and Todd, and LisaGrace and Brian, it's so much easier to put everything in perspective and say, "Yeah, I could wait for a love like that. It's so worth it!" So thank you, guys!

And speaking of good friends, I absolutely adore all of mine! This past birthday was so amazing - probably one of the best I've had (no joke!). I became a full-fledged grown up this year and worked my entire birthday (till midnight) so party plans were near non-existant, or so I thought. Turns out, my roommates were planning a surprise birthday party for me after SALT on Thursday. Totally blew me away - I had no idea! I'm so grateful and blessed for the relationships and friendships God has surrounded me with this past year!

This next year offers so much opportunity! I've got an internship with the State Fire Marshal (few days a week) that will give me some pretty awesome experience. This fall, I'll be helping Jodie in the missions office and getting more exposure to missions in the church. I plan on seeking more ways to serve within Cornerstone in the next year as well.

I'm so excited for what God has for me! I'm so grateful for His plan and purpose! Life would be so meaningless and directionless without Him.