Desperate Prayer

God, I am SO bad at remembering that it's not about me. I am so bad about thinking that my life is about my needs and what I'm missing out on and why I'm feeling this particular way. I completely miss out on what You have me here for and why I was created.

It's not to be a wife. It's not to be girlfriend. It's not to be a good friend. Its not about being pretty or in shape or funny or gifted. It's not about looking good because of some charity I did or sounding wise because I happened to say the right thing at the right time. These things may come about as a result of living out my purpose, but they are not the reason I was created.

It's all for You, Lord. It is all for You!! Everything You have done, everything You have created, it is all to bring glory to Your name! Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades, never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame, and the cry of my heart is to bring You praise.

You are the only One that can satisfy me. You are the only One that can fulfill every need I have in my life. Lord, I want to be needed so much - so use me God. Use my gifts and my talents and my belongings. Give me opportunities to pour myself out for others, not for my sake, not for their sake, but for the sake of bringing glory to Your name. Lord, I don't want to be lonely anymore - so bring me people I can minister to. Give me people that I can pour my life into until there is nothing left of me, and then fill me up again so I can continue to be a blessing for Your name's sake. Lord, I want security - so stretch me and break me so I see no other way. Lord, you've brought me to this place before and came through and blessed my life so much - do it again! I ask as a small child delighting in her Father over something amazing that He did. So Abba, do it again!

Lord, You know my life is Yours. Thank you for waiting patiently for me to relinquish control over each area of my life, sometimes several times over. I forget easily of what I promised and why it's worth it, but Lord, I know You are. I know how smoothly life flows and how joyful I feel when I'm walking with You. I don't know why I stray, but thank You for forgiving me each time I do and welcoming me back with open arms.

God, I know You want to do big things through me. I don't know when or where or how, but Lord, please guide me and be with me. Jehovah Jirah, I know You will not leave my side. I know You desire to be with me and comfort me in ways I do not understand; God, I open my heart to You. Renew me. Change me. Make me more in tune with You. I know this means trials and tribulations are in store, but I rest on the truth that You will not place anything in my path that I cannot handle. I trust You with my life - I'd be silly not to.

I love You, Lord.

P90X

For the record....

Anyone who wants to keep track of what mess I'm getting myself into fitness-wise can visit my other blog at www.revampmyfitness.blogspot.com

I intentionally didn't share the last time someone asked because I hated (yes, hated) the previous link name. This is better, I think. No more bad connotations.

So laugh it up while you can. Because come August....pretty sure I'll be able to take you down.

I want an inciting event...

I haven't blogged in forever. I'm sorry. Things got away from me...

I stopped reading Ortberg's "The Me I Want to Be" in lieu of Donald Miller's "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" because everyone ranted and raved about it - I had to see for myself.

Love it. Seriously. I think he's dead on in way too many aspects that I am able to go into detail about. But seriously, you should read it. Cause Donald's kinda awesome.

He talks about memories a little later on in the book and why some are more memorable than others. I don't remember why because I haven't thought about this a lot because I just read it last night, but I really liked his explanation of it. (So go read it to find out for yourself!!!)

I want to make more memories. I want to break out of the norm and do something spontaneous that will linger in the recesses of my mind for no other reason for enjoyment and amusement when I look back in 5 years. I want to enjoy life and live it intentionally.

He also talks about conflict. I'll be brief, because I could go much deeper. We love movies where the characters are forced into conflict. They have to fight their way through and end up coming out of it on the other side a changed person. But in real life, we tend to avoid conflict; it's uncomfortable and it's often hard. Who wants that?! But that's what great life stories are made of! Facing conflict and moving forward!

So this got me thinking. I want my future someone (this is the husband we're talking about here) to do just that. I want to join him on his adventures and face our conflicts. I don't want life to be comfortable and easy. I want to embrace life, even when it gets difficult! And I want someone who will plunge headfirst into it - not because he's comfortable with conflict or because he knows what to expect, but because it's just a part of life and great stories (lives) come from facing those conflicts.

In the meantime, I'll chase my adventures by myself (or with friends, if they're willing). So. That being said.... anyone have any ideas? Cross country trip? Backpacking across the west? I'm P90X-ing it up for some major adventure. Please don't leave me hanging...

Have you ever longed to dance a dance you don't know the steps to, or to sing a song your heart does not know the words or melody to?

Lately, my heart has been so full, so bursting, that all I want to do is express my love in an outward form - to create something in honor of the one who fills me in every way.

I wish I knew how to write music or poetry or anything. I wish I wasn't so self conscience to the point where I cannot express myself and my love for God.
----
A friend was describing a girl he knew back in the day. Whoever she was with dictated what her personality and interests were. She formed to their personality and didn't possess her own.

When I look at my old relationships, I can see the same pattern. With Bryan, I liked the music he liked. With Paxton, I enjoyed and took on his taste in music and movies (with the exception of White Stripes). And even with guys that I was interested in, I conformed to their interests.

I know I've grown tremendously in the past 2 years since I turned my life over to God, but I still feel like I'm not entirely me yet. C.S. Lewis got me thinking:

Suppose a person know nothing about salt. You give him a pinch to taste and he experiences a particular strong sharp taste. You then tell him that in your country people use salt in all their cookery. Might he not reply 'in that case I suppose all your dishes taste exactly the same: because the taste of that stuff you have just given me is so strong that it will kill the taste of everything else.' But you and I know that the real effect of salt is exactly the opposite. So far from killing the taste of [food], it actually brings them out. They do not show their real taste till you have added the salt... it is something like that with Christ and us. The more we get what we now call "ourselves" out of the way and let Him take us over, the more truly ourselves we become" (189-190)
Mere Christianity

I love that concept! That the more I pursue God and seek Him, the more me I will become. I've thought about that idea since I finished Mere Christianity a year and a half ago, but it hasn't gone further than that. It seems very desirable, but so hard. Something that I'm not sure I'm capable.

And I'm right. I cannot.

John Ortberg's new book The Me I Want to Be goes more in depth into that concept. I cannot do it - God works in me and through me instead.

People think it is our job to bridge the gab by our effort. But we can't. This gap, too, can only be bridged by grace. Self-improvement is no more God's plan than self-salvation. God's plan is not just for us to be saved by grace - it is for us to live by grace.

Love it. And if that wasn't enough...

Am I lost or just less found? On the straight or on the roundabout of a wrong way?
Is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
Cause my comfort would prefer for me to be numb,
and avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become.
Brooke Fraser, C.S. Lewis Song

I'm not who I was made to be. I was created to be something so much more, and I long to be there.

I don't think I will ever be able to enough praise to the Ultimate Creator, my God. I'm baffled that He's satisfied with my clumsy dance steps and inferior praise. But until eternity, it's all I can offer.

5 minutes!!

Fast blog because I NEED to go to bed.

IMB called. They want me.

Too soon though. I can't do next summer.

London has a need for a JMan and I want to be that person!

But I cannot because of my job and loans.

Finally worked up the nerve to talk to my boss.

Instead of hoping that I'd stay 4 years like he said before...

He's now saying 2's fine.

Beginning of 2012!!!! London!!!!! (All Lord willing, of course)

Friends and Family are AWESOME in providing encouragement and prayer!

Many bible verses were given to help calm my racing mind and remind me to have patience.

• Proverbs 3:5-6
• Jeremiah 29:11
• Matthew 6:24-27

Just to name a few. God's good.

Jehovah Jireh. Why do I forget so easily?!

Sorry...

I know it's been forever. I apologize. I really sucked this past month.

However, a lot was happening, but at the same time, it was the same kind of thing over and over, so I didn't feel the need to blog, especially since I had emailed everyone I knew about what was going on. (Grandma's health)

In case you live under a rock or I didn't tell you (the latter is much more likely, so I apologize), Grandma Henderson fell and broke her femur. After the surgery, they discovered fluid on her lungs and her kidneys weren't functioning well. Post several MRI's and CAT scans, we discovered she had kidney cancer (again) that had metastasized to her bones (not good). It's stage 4 (terminal) and she's going to be in a ton of pain until she dies. Upon her death, I honestly do not know where she would go, but I have a pretty good idea that it wouldn't heaven. So if I haven't asked you (and even if I have), please pray for her. I really want to have the comfort that she knows Christ and will be going to heaven.

In other news, I'm going to Florida in June! My old church is taking their high school there as a mission trip kind of thing and they needed more female leaders, so they asked me. Way cool!! However, this body is NOT going in a swimming suit IN Florida. So I've started exercising (shocking!) and eating much better. I'm hoping to lose 20 pounds? but we'll see. My old exercise blog is back up if you want to check that out for a laugh or two.

I'm hardly a walker, let alone a runner, so I'm taking it slow to begin with. I can't expect to run a 5K a week after I start running for the very first time. It's really not reasonable, and very few people would argue with this.

I kinda see this same idea/concept concerning prayer. (betcha didn't see that one coming...)

I didn't pray a lot before I started my prayer candle. In fact, it was pretty much limited to group settings where we all prayed and when someone had a specific prayer request (I'd pray right there if I remembered, but really, only that one time - I'm deeply sorry if you're one of the ones I never prayed for. I really regret not being there to intercede for you). I was very weak and my pray endurance muscles were atrophied. So when I started my prayer candle commitment, thinking that I could pray 30-45 minutes a day and work that thing down, it didn't take long to realize that I just don't have the 'muscles' to do that yet. I should, theoretically, be at 2/3's of my candle left - we'll just say that it's not.

Just like I need to start slow with running, I need to start slow with praying. My end goal IS to be able to pray that long and be a strong prayer warrior, but I'm so weak right now; I fall asleep, I get distracted, and I fantasize conversations that I had or will have (but probably not) in my head, always adding more witty lines that what I actually said (or ever could say). I'm learning how to pray over my distractions and talk to God on a basic level. I'm learning to look beneath my fantasies to the underlying condition of my heart. I'm learning to be more committed to praying for someone continually and how to keep a journal to keep track of who and what I've prayed for. But I've still got a long way before I can run my 5K.

So I will not be completing my goal of burning down my 70 hour candle before May. I'm still going to work at it, and I'm still motivated to get there because my life has been rocked in the awesomest way since I've started trying. But I know, realistically, I can't train for and be ready for a marathon in 3 months.

Oh Technology...

We've never been good friends; perhaps that's my fault. I've refused to get to know you at all. Quite frankly, you scare me. You require more knowledge than I possess or could even hope to understand. Nobody likes a complicated person; don't you know that?

I knew you were bitter against me, but I never thought you'd take your retribution on me with such great vehemence.

You smote my car!

You gave my ipod amnesia!

And there is a technological curse upon our office!

You're just plain mean. It's a cruel trick to wreak havoc on simpletons' lives just to watch and laugh maniacally while wringing your hands or perhaps petting a fluffy white cat (Technology=Dr. Claw?)

But I wanted you to know you haven't bested me.

I'm READY for repair costs thanks to the emergency fund I've built up over the past month.

I backed up my favoritest music last summer when my laptop threatened destruction (and accomplished said self-destruction AFTER my backup was complete) and will only lose maybe 2 or 3 "kinda want" artists. In fact, thank you for helping me finally clear out the music I don't mind but couldn't bear to rid of because of my indifference.

As for our office....well, we'll consider it this way.

Technology: 1 Danielle: 2

I win.