I know I don't write often; my thoughts are constantly changing, and it's hard to pin them down enough to write. But I suppose that's why I set this blog up; to talk everything out so it's not so jumbled and everything. ~sigh~ So here goes nothing.

My questions from the previous post were answered when he called and wanted to meet in person. I couldn't; my heart was not in a good place, and I know it wouldn't be good for him either. We ended up emailing and getting it all out. Things are certainly more clear now, and I know where my heart stands with him. Thank goodness for clearness of mind.

Onto new questions:

Why is it so hard to guard your heart? Why is it so hard to tell your heart, "No, you cannot have this. It's not God's plan for you. This is not the person for you."

I don't want to date. I'm not in a place to put my heart there yet. I need to invest more of my energies into finding out who I am and who God created me to be. But that old desire never dies, and I battle it time and time again.

I deserve someone perfect for me. Someone who doesn't make me feel insufficient, and leaves me with no doubts.

But maybe part of that is just myself. I feel so inferior to those around me, and, to a degree, this is probably the case with everyone. But I have amazing friends, and when my amazing friends meet my other amazing friends, they get a long amazingly well. They have several common interests and several things to talk about. I don't have much of that with anyone, so it's hard to build good solid bases; it feels like a superficial friendship.

I feel almost betrayed by the 'click' my friends have with each other. What about me? Where's my click? And why does everything feel so forced and fake? Is there something socially wrong with me?

I know I'm an amazing person, and I'm fun, funny, a great friend, loyal, trustworthy, genuine, honest, loving, and am loved. So what is going on? Why do things feel so terribly awkward? Rawr.