Lately, my heart has been so full, so bursting, that all I want to do is express my love in an outward form - to create something in honor of the one who fills me in every way.
I wish I knew how to write music or poetry or anything. I wish I wasn't so self conscience to the point where I cannot express myself and my love for God.
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A friend was describing a girl he knew back in the day. Whoever she was with dictated what her personality and interests were. She formed to their personality and didn't possess her own.
When I look at my old relationships, I can see the same pattern. With Bryan, I liked the music he liked. With Paxton, I enjoyed and took on his taste in music and movies (with the exception of White Stripes). And even with guys that I was interested in, I conformed to their interests.
I know I've grown tremendously in the past 2 years since I turned my life over to God, but I still feel like I'm not entirely me yet. C.S. Lewis got me thinking:
Suppose a person know nothing about salt. You give him a pinch to taste and he experiences a particular strong sharp taste. You then tell him that in your country people use salt in all their cookery. Might he not reply 'in that case I suppose all your dishes taste exactly the same: because the taste of that stuff you have just given me is so strong that it will kill the taste of everything else.' But you and I know that the real effect of salt is exactly the opposite. So far from killing the taste of [food], it actually brings them out. They do not show their real taste till you have added the salt... it is something like that with Christ and us. The more we get what we now call "ourselves" out of the way and let Him take us over, the more truly ourselves we become" (189-190)
Mere Christianity
Mere Christianity
I love that concept! That the more I pursue God and seek Him, the more me I will become. I've thought about that idea since I finished Mere Christianity a year and a half ago, but it hasn't gone further than that. It seems very desirable, but so hard. Something that I'm not sure I'm capable.
And I'm right. I cannot.
John Ortberg's new book The Me I Want to Be goes more in depth into that concept. I cannot do it - God works in me and through me instead.
People think it is our job to bridge the gab by our effort. But we can't. This gap, too, can only be bridged by grace. Self-improvement is no more God's plan than self-salvation. God's plan is not just for us to be saved by grace - it is for us to live by grace.
Love it. And if that wasn't enough...
Am I lost or just less found? On the straight or on the roundabout of a wrong way?
Is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
Cause my comfort would prefer for me to be numb,
and avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become.
Brooke Fraser, C.S. Lewis Song
Is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
Cause my comfort would prefer for me to be numb,
and avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become.
Brooke Fraser, C.S. Lewis Song
I'm not who I was made to be. I was created to be something so much more, and I long to be there.
I don't think I will ever be able to enough praise to the Ultimate Creator, my God. I'm baffled that He's satisfied with my clumsy dance steps and inferior praise. But until eternity, it's all I can offer.
