In my shoes

I watched the movie Limitless on Sunday with dad, and I couldn't stop thinking about it the rest of the night.

The premise of the story is that this average guy who's hit a rough patch in life is given a pill that enables his brain to work at full capacity. He's able to think clearly, remember details from his past and put together connections that no one else is able to do. Without this pill, he slips back into the old Ed and loses all ability to function as he had before. But knowing what he is capable of when he's taking the pill, he continues seeking it out.

This is actually exactly what being on stimulants is like for me.

Without them, my brain is in a cloud of fog and fatigue. I can't think clearly, have trouble focusing, and if you're lucky enough, I may just fall asleep on you while we're holding a conversation (don't take it personally) (also, this has actually happened a few times. If you're reading, thank you for understanding, and I am still so sorry).

But within 10 minutes after taking a pill, my mind is awakened and I'm....well, awake. I can complete tasks, work efficiently, think critically, read and analyze. Comparatively, I feel limitless. But I can tell, within 5 minutes, of when my medicine has worn off. It reflects a physical change as well; my roommate/coworker can tell visually when they have worn off and when they kick on.

I'm not sure if there's a point to any of this (ahem...the last pill I've taken today wore off several hours ago) other than to say that if you want to have any understanding of how different my two worlds are, you should watch Limitless.

Also, my stimulants do not help me learn foreign languages fluently within a few days. Or create algorithms within the stock market to predict stock changes. Or know kung-foo from video games (because 1. we didn't have video games growing up and 2. that's just a knock-off from the tv show Chuck)

I need some time alone, but it's not what I want

I'm really tempted to vent like mad, right here, right now. I want to unleash all the fury that my womanhood possesses and ream someone out. I'm hurt, frustrated, confused, stunned, and every time my mind revisits the issue, all I can think is, "Seriously?!?!"

As temporarily satisfying as that would be, I know my Lord expects differently from me. And the more I pray and give God all my questions as to why this would happen, the more I'm given a sense of....well, pity I guess. I feel SORRY for this person. To be that clearly confused as to where they're going...it's frustrating, I know. I've been there. I want answers to life's questions too.

Being that my love language is physical touch, I really craving people right now. I want so much to cuddle with a roommate and spill my heart, my frustrations. I want to call a friend with a motorcycle to ride around for a while and release my anger and hurt by the intensity of the ride. I want to throw myself at anything else that will distract me from what I don't really have right now.

But I know I need Jesus. I need Him to cradle my heart as I hurt. I need Him as I vocalize my frustration and pain. I need Him to surround me and whisper truth that wipes away the lies that try to infiltrate.

Quick Catchup

It's been a while. Time for blog!! A lot has happened, and it's all really cause-and-effect, so we'll go with that.

- I had a sleep study towards the end of June for some sleep problems (overwhelming fatigue). No, it's not the kind of sleep study where I get paid. Yes, it can be very expensive. With insurance, I was expecting over $2,000 bill from the hospital.

- But my Jehovah Jireh is awesome!! My bill ended up being only $450ish!! THAT is incredible, and knocked me to my knees in praise!

-So now, I've been diagnosed with hypersomnia (essentially a narcoleptic). Yaaaay!! This is great news, honestly. It means the incredible and debilitating fatigue that has plagued me for the past 10 years has a very real cause and now we can DO something about it!!

- To try to get a better night's sleep, I bought a new bed. It's glorious. I did NOT purchase the $150 box spring, who's only purpose is to RAISE THE HEIGHT OF THE BED. That's right, that's all box springs are for nowadays. Can you believe it?

- But since "natural remedies" for hypersomnia really don't do anything, my doctor started me on stimulants. After a little trial and error, we've got something down that's working amazing. I know it sounds silly because few know how ridiculously hard it was for me to just stay awake, but it feels SO GOOD to be able to work all day and not hit a wall every few hours! I'm so glad I decided to pursue medical help!

- Because I can stay awake and focused, I CAN READ AGAIN!! No more falling asleep 2 pages in! My first book? Born To Run. I bought it last Tuesday and am nearly finished with it. I'm pretty sure this is a record for me... Anyway, the book is amazing, SO inspiring, and SO good!! I recommend it!

- Being on stimulants also means I have no more excuse not to go to bootcamp when I'm tired in the morning. I've been up for bootcamp on a much more regular basis now which is great. The more I do it, the more I crave it. It IS kind of like an addiction... But honestly, I have never loved and hated something so much in my life. I want to curse Jeff sometimes because it's SO STINKIN' HARD, but I know I can't. He's incredible at what he does. If I didn't die at least once a week, it'd be hard to justify throwing $100 a month at this. (I'm going into my 7th month)

- Which leads to my most recent race....the Warrior Dash. Jeff and I drove to Kansas City and ran a 5k with a bunch of obstacles and it was so much fun! We dressed up as the birds of war (from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia) - so hot, and maybe not the best idea on a high heat index day (someone died from heat stroke in kc that day from the race), but we sure looked awesome. Pictures MAYBE to come. I'll definitely be doing it again next year!!

- And finally

I know you've done it too....

Since Emma moved out a month ago to do an internship in Ohio, I've gotten into the habit of locking the deadbolt behind me when I get home, partially for safety since I'm by myself and partially to get into the habit of doing it because our new "townhouse" will be near a halfway house. (Previous tenants told us that a random man walked into their place while they were home). Yikes...

I just had a "duh" moment. I was watering my new herbs in the backyard and went to go back in through the backdoor and realized it automatically locks.

I've locked myself out of my duplex, and my landlord AND duplex-mates are on vacation, not that it would do me much good because I don't have my cell phone to call either one anyway. And of course, I do this on a day when the heat index is 109. So I'm pacing our yard, sweating it out for several different reasons, and trying to figure out how to break into my house.

I ended up stabbing the window screen, tearing it out, and shoving the very high and freshly painted window open so I can hoist myself in. (did I mention I'm only wearing a tank top and skirt?! I'm sure I could have been mistaken for a burglar were it not for my attire.)

I made it back in the house, just in time to take the pizza out of the oven!!

But now I need a new window screen...one more thing to add to the move-out checklist. Anyone know where to go to get one?

Analogies

Eating with Asian people (Asian families) at an authentic Chinese restaurant is like boiling a frog.

If you throw the frog in boiling water, it jumps out immediately, knowing somethings not right. But if you put the frog in room temp water and gradually heat it to boiling, the frog can't tell the difference in the temp change.

Likewise, if the restaurant puts all the food out at once, you're overwhelmed and only eat a little bit of this and that. But if the food comes out one dish at a time, you keep eating throughout the meal because everything looks so dang delicious and you can't say "no" (not that the Asian family would let you anyway.)

I'm pretty sure I gained weight this weekend from spending it with the Lau's, but I'm afraid to look at the scale to see.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I bought 5 lbs of cherries. (What?! They were on sale!!)

The first dozen always taste delicious, but the more you eat, the more they taste funny.

It's kind like writing one word over and over again. Eventually, it just looks wrong, regardless of the fact that it's spelled correctly.

They're. Everywhere.

Last week, I spent about 5 days camping outside for Cornerstone Music Festival; it was a lot of fun, and HOT. And there were a ton of spiders.

Honestly, I could care less about spiders. Typically, they don't bug me and unless they are larger than a quarter and in the bathroom where I am most exposed, I'll leave them alone. And considering I was OUTSIDE all day during that camping trip, I couldn't really get frustrated. I was in their space, after all.

Apparently, seeing that many spiders left an impression on me though.

Every night since I've been back, I've woken up several times a night thinking about those stupid spiders and how they're probably all over my bed/room/apartment. I'm not freaked out or anything, just incredibly annoyed at the "existence" and "presence" of the spiders. Seriously, go away!!

Needless to say, I haven't slept much the past week. ~sigh~ So here's to hoping that this is a new week and I'll actually be able to sleep like a normal person. Goodnight!

Running isn't a pretty sport.

'Bout time for a blog, eh? I know, it's been a while...

I just got back from running my first 5k of the year around Ada Hayden in my brand spankin' new running shorts that I got today.

I hate them.

If all running shorts have the same function and cut, then I do not know why they exist. I don't know whether it was my running stride or the fact that I get a tad bit damp when I work out (erm....a lot. a lot of damp.) or my booty just fills up the back of them so there's no where else to go, but those shorts were riding UP. At first I thought it was normal for running shorts. "Yeah, this is severely uncomfortable, but maybe this is what everyone looks like?"

That thought lasted 10 steps and then I saw someone. Yeah...shorts aren't supposed to look like this. ~sigh~ I'll stick with my thick cotton yoga pants, I guess. (and why is there so much extra fabric up front?!)

On a more positive note, I beat my last 5k time by a few minutes. Granted, I didn't have a stopwatch to get an official time, but I left my car at 8:05 and got back just before 8:40 including a warm up and cool down walk of about 5 minutes each AND I had to stop a few times to adjust the shorts of doom and I saw my old boss so I chatted a bit. Wow....I seriously dominated that run! Whoooo!!

I'd mention again that I have lofty running goals for this summer, but I'm pretty sure that we've already proved "the boy who cried wolf" theory on that one so I'll lay it to rest for now. (Until I accomplish my goals and then I'll rub it in your face, but because we're friends, you'll be proud of me and celebrate.)

In the meantime, I'll be icing my shins and waiting for my naturally pale skin to replace the cherry red face I get for a job well done.

Greece!!

So.

30 people from our church have the opportunity to go on a study tour of Greece and see all these amazing places. In. Love. How incredible would that be?!?! I desperately want to go.

So instead of paying attention to Jeff Dodge talk (psh, I hear him talk every Sunday. GREECE!!!!), I started trying to figure out how much I'd have to save every month and if this trip is doable considering all the variables.

I could probably manage the time off....maybe. An extra $500 a month to put towards the trip? Might be tough, but definitely doable (GREECE!!!!). Yeah.....this might be possible!!

I sat back in my chair and stared in awe at the ruins of Ephesus on the front of the brochure. And then I Jesus Juked myself (sorta, only my original idea wasn't a joke).

If I applied that kind of discipline with my finances towards my debt, I would have had quite a bit of my student loans paid off (not all, or even most, but a whole lot more than I have now). Insert sad trumpet noise: "wha whaaaaaa"

~sigh~ I'm right.... and this is probably the only time I'm sad that I am. And in my sad stupor, I want to go spend money.

Ahem...I'm a spender, hard core. Not always just for me though. When someone needs money or help financially, if it's feasible for me to give, give I will do! But I most definitely do not have the disciple to stick it in savings or apply it to debt in every circumstance I can.

This is one area I really need to work in. I say all the time that one of the reasons I can't go overseas right now is because I have a lot of student loans that need paid off. But what am I doing on a regular basis to pay those loans off? ~cough~Making only my normal payments~cough~ Gahh! I need to be much better about this.

Slightly Misleading...

Today, Terry came into my office to grab the next client's file; instead of his cheery greeting, he looked me in the eye, completely serious and had the following conversation with me:

Terry: You're in big trouble! (as he swats me with the file)

Me: (with what I'm sure looks like sheer terror in my eyes) What....?

Terry: You're in trouble! You didn't go!

Me: (panicking as I'm frantically trying to think of what meeting I was supposed to go to with him, which I've never done before) I didn't....what?!

Terry: says client's name. You didn't do it!

Me: thinking, "I did everything you told me to!! What did I forget?! What would he be mad about?! He's never mad!! What did I do!?!?!" (and I'm sure that look of sheer terror has only intesified by this point)

Terry: You skipped bootcamp this morning!! (the client is in bootcamp with me)

Are you kidding me?!?! OH MY WORD TERRY!!!! NOT ok!!! I have never panicked as much as I did in those few seconds! He claims he had no intention of scaring me like that, but seriously...who does that?!?!

I have to admit, it's really funny now. And I still think he's a fantastic boss.

Awesome Thursday.

Last Thursday was pretty awesome and I didn't really get to tell you why or what happened. Things got crazy with weddings and sleep (which I should be doing now instead of writing blogs that I will schedule to post later on this week), and blogging slipped away from me. (That's a lie, I've written 3 since Thursday.)

Awesome Thing #1: I saw an old man wearing a business suit driving a big red truck and picking his nose. It made me smile.

Awesome Thing #2: Baby squirrels!!! THEY ARE SO TINY!!!!

Awesome Thing #3: For the second time in less than a week, a bird swooped down in front of my car while I was driving and made direct contact with my grill. No worries though; at least the second bird (possibly the first as well) recovered quickly and flew off as if nothing had happened.

Awesome Thing #4: (This didn't happen THIS PAST Thursday, but did happen on a Thursday and is worth reporting) Jimmy Johns messed up my sandwich so I got a new one and they gave me my money back and on my way back to work from lunch, I saw two doves land and perch on an electrical box.

Awesome Thing #5: Gas prices are falling!!! And unless they spike back up $1.25 in the next week, the prediction that I was told and have been passing a long that gas will be at $5 by Memorial Day will be wrong!!! If it weren't sin, I'd be happy I lied!!!

I REALLY want to say Awesome Thing #6, but I cannot right now. I will tell you soon, but seriously, SO EXCITED. I love love love what my family is doing right now!

On an unrelated-to-Thursday note, I was able to serve a variety of different people A TON all weekend. It was so amazing!! I absolutely adore serving in just about every capacity and I love the strength God gives me to endure and serve without weariness!

(The big question is why can't I have that attitude at Iowa Insulation?)

What I'm bursting to tell you!!!!

Jessi and Mike are pregnant!!! (well, obvious not Mike. But the two of them together, they....yeah, you get it.) They're due the beginning of December. I'm going to be an aunt!!!!

Shane and Jessica are engaged!!! (not to be confused with Jessica, the sister, which would be wrong on so many accounts, but a different Jessica, who we call by her full name so we don't confuse the two) I am SO excited to have Jessica in the family!

Lauren has an INCREDIBLE voice and guitar skills. I would say she's on par if not better than JJ Heller's "What Love Really Means", she's that good. Maybe I should sneak record her and show off her skills to all of you... (You may not care that much, but I LOVE bragging on her, especially since she's so humble about the whole thing)

I adore my family, more than words can express.

'Member That Time?

'Member that time I was riding bikes with my friend down the street and how we were being all cool, patrolling the sidewalk, going back and forth? Her parents came to pick her up in the van (which was silly because she seriously lived a block away) and as they were driving off, I decided to be ULTRA cool and rode my bike one handed while waving with the other hand as I rode alongside the van.

'Member how I made direct contact with the "Dead End" sign at the end of our yard with my front tire and totally crashed?

I figured out what "Dead End" meant pretty quickly.

"We talk of the Second Coming; half the world has never heard of the first." -Oswald J Smith

Happy May 22nd!!!

Honestly, I'm kind of blow away by some of my brothers and sisters in Christ. Against clear evidence in the New Testament, (Matthew 24:45-51 and 1 Thessalonians 5:1-2 being a few passages), someone claims to know the day and hour of our Lord's return and they flock to him? Selling everything the own to spread the word?

When did reading into the Word override reading the literal Word of God saying that we cannot know?

I didn't pick up on this prediction until 2 days prior to the "end times", so I don't know a whole lot about what they're believing or declaring. But from the little I have read, the message they sold everything they have to declare is that the world is coming to an end and that we must repent. As far as I have been able to tell from websites and billboards, there has been no message of Christ and His sacrifice, death, and resurrection were mentioned anywhere. No mention of His great love for us and His desire to be united with us once again. No hint of the gospel anywhere.

How is this supposed to save the people they were trying to warn?

I really want to shake my head and say, "How could you be so blind?! How could you miss SO MUCH?!" I want to put on my judgement hat and shake my finger at them and their ignorance.

But I know that I make foolish assumptions and leaps and have made PLENTY of decisions and actions that are not backed Biblically. I know that I am not perfect by any stretch and therefore have no right to place shame and condemnation on anyone. I know that even in the past few hours, I have gone from one end of the spectrum of mocking them to coming under conviction and knowing that I'm just as lost sometimes as they are.

I'm sorry for all the people who gave up everything to share this message and are now left with nothing because they put their trust in a guy who can "decipher the Bible". I pray none of them "turn away from the faith and betray and hate each other" (Matthew 24:10). Despite the fact that this may be a huge blow, I pray that they would draw closer to Christ. My heart breaks for their disappointment, but I pray they'd find true joy in Christ alone and that they would come to long to tell others about the Saviour who gave His life for them instead of spreading a message of fear.

Matthew 24:14 "And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come."

If we are so eager for the return of our King, why don't we start sharing with those who have never heard? At the very least, can we begin praying for nations, tribes, and tongues that we don't know about, we never think about, and certainly never pray for? We'll spend all eternity with them in the presence of our Lord (Rev. 7:9), so why not begin caring for them/about them now? They WILL BE your brothers and sisters in Christ someday!

"My Writing Book" by Danielle

Throughout the past few years, I've become less and less sentimental. I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that I have no tolerance for moving a ridiculous amount of stuff around; while it's fun to reminisce for a few moments when I come across an old school project or useless trinket, in the long run, it doesn't feel worth it to carry these boxes around with me.

(I just cleaned out my closet and found a medium box full of jewelry boxes. I had 8 ring boxes and 3 necklace boxes plus some others. I do not have that many pieces of nice jewelry, and have no idea how I got them all. Also, I've been moving them around with me for at least the past 4 years. face palm.)

But I think I may have come across something I may keep; it's too funny not to. It's a "writing book" from when I was 8 1/2 (I made a very clear point of listing my age).

Apparently, I...

• loved everything related to school (reading, writing, math, "siens", going TO school)
• loved going to Fareway and Walmart
• liked kids who like playing with me (speak much of low self-esteem?)
• feel like a winner when I totally dominate my sister on everything (paraphrased of course...I didn't know the word dominate, but it's pretty clear that's what I meant)
• think kids are awful, ugly, owl, queen, glad, kitten, and feel (I think I was on something)
• would like a cold glass of water
• knew that getting married now would never happen (at 8 1/2?! Apparently, that was on my mind then too...)
• January to March would never happen either (...)
• know that a good reason for going to school is to learn about the "human boty" (hahaha)

Young me was kind of hilarious. This is definitely a keeper.

Mowin'

I mowed for the first time this year. (Our neighbor did about a week ago) I was kind of dreading it. I'm not fond of it, but since our duplex-mate shoveled all winter, it's only fair.

I think the mower knew I didn't want to be with it, so it was extra gracious. I filled it with gas and pulled the starter (?) and she fired up first try!!! Amazing!!

Mowing really isn't too bad. (with the exception of the dirt clods that somehow catch the blade and get thrown straight back making a direct beeline for my face. That part is not fun.) Especially when a good portion of your lawn is creeping charlie and doesn't grow. On the plus side, since creeping charlie has turned brown and our yard is DEFINITELY the eye-sore of the neighborhood, lettin' 'er grow an extra week doesn't make a huge difference. Woot.

Now my hands taste weird. :(

My friend Jodi made an amazing looking salad the other day, and I've been dying to try it!! It was a mexican salad and it had lettuce and spinach chopped up, taco seasoning (i think), avocado chunks, tomatoes, salsa, ranch, and tortilla chips. Yum!!!

So in an effort to be more healthy, I thought I'd give it a shot and bought the stuff this week. Tonight, I tackled the avocado and somehow extracting that....thing from it's shell. After a bit of trial and error and lots of annoying cuts and incisions, I got my chopped avocado!! I rewarded myself by popping a piece in my mouth. After 2.5 bites (the first two were quick; the third, I realized something was up), I spewed it from my mouth (into the garbage, of course). Disgusting!!! It was bitter and hard and I don't know what that tasted like, but it was not avocado!!!!

In an effort to cleanse that bitter taste from my mouth, I had to make myself a bowl of vanilla ice cream and strawberry syrup. I'm pretty sure nothing else would have worked.

So....I'm afraid I wasted my time and money chopping up that stupid thing. Is it just not ripe enough? Should I put it in a container and let it sit in the fridge till it ripens a little and gets just a little softer? Or in my cupboard? Or should I toss the whole thing?

I swear, Fareway is turning me off of their fresh produce SO fast.... I'm getting to the point where I am quite dissatisfied...

Mustache Love

Oh, to have a love like this....



Disclaimer...
Mustaches actually creep me out. I do not love them. Men who secretly love me and long to win my heart, please do not grow a mustache.

Coffee Joulies

I am so excited about these!! I think it's a genius idea and am so glad someone thought it up! Having hot coffee/tea/hot chocolate/whatever-I-want is going to be amazing!!

But at $50 for 5 beans, I think I'll wait for just a little bit and hope the price doesn't go up because they're so amazing.

The best thing since Jesus.

I know 2 blogs in one day is quite uncharacteristic of me, but THIS CANNOT WAIT.

As if Target hadn't already won my heart by remodeling their store and making everything so sleek and beautiful and red (I love spending time there even more than I did before), they've COMLETELY upped the ante.

Target has Magnum bars. Oh heart, be still.

If you do not know what Magnum bars are (they've only been in Europe and China until this year), you REALLY need to try them. They will astonish and amazing you and you won't be able to go back to any other kind of ice cream. My mind was entirely blown the first time I tried it in China.

And just to sweeten the whole deal, Target has a coupon for a dollar off. And wonder of all wonders, they accept competitor coupons as well, and whadaya know, Walmart has a coupon too. A 3 pack of Magnum bars for $1.49. (Can someone die of ecstasy?)

I don't know why you're still reading this right now.... I'm pretty sure that anyone in his right mind would be frantically grabbing at the printer, desperate for those coupons. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have a freezer stocked for the summer.

Another important question.

Enough with this self-realization stuff. I have some real questions. You guys were super helpful with the sobbing onion thing (matchsticks work great!) that I thought I'd throw you another one.

I have a pair of jeans that I love, but I must have left them in the washer too long or something because they smell super musty!! It's quite gross really.

I've tried soaking them, washing them in vinegar, and spraying them with frebreeze, all to no avail. They've been like this for a year or more.

Any suggestions? It's getting quite embarrassing... I put them on without realizing they're the ones that smell and I go around all day smelling like an unopened antique chest.

Revelation.

I am a jerk. I really am.

I realized this sometime between 2pm and 4 pm today.

I've been so gung-ho about leaving my old job and starting my new job. "2 weeks is normal, and 2 weeks is what I said. My last day is Friday this week. Thursday if I can pull it off." My justification is that my new employer has been shorthanded for a month and really REALLY needs help.

All Darrell asked is if I can help out with payroll and keep things afloat while they try to find someone. I SAID I'll talk to Terry, but I don't want to talk to Terry. I want to be firm with my end date and don't want to make things complicated.

Meanwhile, Iowa Insulation doesn't have anyone to pay the monthly taxes, pay roughly 30 employees their payroll, do bank reconciliation, pay bills, deposit money, and do any work necessary to keep things running.

"Whatever, not my problem."

I'm glad for soft voices in the back of my mind saying, "Wake up and knock it off. You're being ridiculously selfish." And I am. I really am.

I apologized to Darrell via email since he wasn't there, and I'll do it again in person tomorrow. No one deserves that kind of treatment, and I definitely don't want to leave Iowa Insulation on bad terms. There ARE ways to compromise. I can work weekends to get payroll done, and I can come in for an hour after Cross Wealth to take care of bills and invoices and deposits until my replacement comes.

For being someone who hates having people mad or upset with her, I sure haven't been acting like it...

Where does your confidence come from?

Lent is a whole new concept for me. Among dancing, playing cards, and drinking, baptists don't celebrate Advent or Lent and never talk about it. But the past 2 years, I've decided to take part in the Lent season by giving up something sacrificially in an effort to draw my attention to God and fix my eyes on His own sacrifice for us.

This year, I gave up wearing makeup.

(brace yourself...) I'm sinful. I can be quite vain and prideful, and to go au natural is NOT ok. I've become ashamed of what my Father has given me and how He has created me. Heaven forbid that I go out for a quick errand without having taken a shower, put on makeup and done my hair. I'm very wrapped up in what I think people perceive of me, and I work hard to keep that in place. I've been told for years and years that this is how I'm supposed to look and anything short of that is undesirable. (Of course, not in spoken words, but that is the undercurrent of advertising and entertainment)

Every single woman knows exactly how hard this is and the baggage that comes with it. I didn't want to give up makeup myself, but when you hear a voice audibly tell you to give up something that you are terrified to even consider, its hard to shrug it off.

For the first 2 weeks, I was back in jr. high and dealing with all of those horrible memories and feelings of awkwardness that go along with having a different mindset than everyone else. ("If a guy is going to like me, he's going to like me for me and not how I look." Awesome heart, but I let society lie to me and feel ashamed of my natural look) Oddly, the scariest place for me to go was church, even though those should have been the people who would love me regardless.

But throughout the past 46 days, I've become more and more comfortable in my own skin and less apologetic for my "lack of self-care". This is the way my God created me!! This is what He originally intended! I'm not lazy or less-desirable because I don't look like everyone else. I feel more beautiful and confident in who God made me to be! I also feel like the treasured daughter in Christ that I am; I feel my Father's love in a deeper way. I'm pretty sure that beats anything I can buy at Target.

The question I've been asked the past few weeks from a few friends is if I'll go back to wearing makeup; I think I will, but I have an entirely different perspective about it. I'm not wearing as much, and I know I don't have to if I don't feel like it and it's not the end of the world if someone sees me without it. My confidence is in Christ!

Cause it's too funny to post in just one place...

text messages

Dad: HAPPY BIRTHDAY DANI!!! Hope ur day is a fun one! Love you. Dad.

Me: Lol you really wanted to be first, didn't you? :) You're early!

Dad: Oops, it's the 21st isn't it. The 19th is the anniversary of the Waco Texas Davidian Branch Fire. How could I mix u up with that?!

I love you so much, Dad. You made my day!!!

From a Few Weeks Ago

*~EDIT~* I wrote this....oh.....2 weeks ago? And never got around to posting to it because I ended up not feeling as crappy as I did before. Figured I might as well post anyway, because clearly, positive thinking and restructuring my perspective helped! Really, though, I just wanted to make the astrix and squiggles for the "edit" note. *~End Edit~*

I'm in this really stupid place right now where instead of even thinking about considering all of my blessings, all I want to do is dwell on what I don't have right now. What God has chosen to withhold from me for my good.

He totally has the right though! If He's withholding ________ from me, it's because He's got something better in mind. Regardless of what I think I need and as disappointing as it is that I don't have it, God's holding out for something better, and I think life will be a million times easier if I join Him in holding out than complaining that I don't have it NOW.

I'm well aware of the fact that I need a new perspective of where I am. And just because it's not my default to count my blessings doesn't mean that I shouldn't go there when my attitude is rather childish. So here it goes....

Not only do I have an amazing immediate family (I can't imagine having a better set of Godly parents who have an incredible marriage and I have an equally amazing relationship with each one of my siblings), but my extended family is also pretty rocking. I'm incredibly blessed that we're all within the same state and even town with some!

Working out hard with people creates an automatic bond. (Writing that now seems really dumb. "Hey, we have a common interest! Let's be friends." Yeah, that makes sense) I'm loving the friendships that I've build from being in Surefire Bootcamp. I've met some amazing people that I probably wouldn't have known otherwise, and I'm so grateful for the encouragement they give me and that I can give back. I've contemplated moving to a different time for working out, but honestly, the 5am class is best. Everyone else is weird.

Despite not being able to go to connection group for the past month because of my sheer exhaustion from people (NEVER thought I'd say that), they've continued to lift me up and pray for me and my family and future decisions. Having that kind of spiritual backing is really encouraging and I love them to death for it.

I have a job that completely pays all my bills and while I don't have a whole lot extra to throw around at debt, I'm blessed just to be able to be where I am. I have job security, and regardless of how bad the economy is (or was), I'm needed here and that's made known on a regular basis. I'm appreciated and trusted, and I love hearing Darrell say, "Thank you Danielle" at the end of the day.

I'm a blind sheep.

I'm at a loss for where I am.

I've had more "plans" than I can count on both hands, all very legitimate! I've tried short terms and long term missions and different ideas about timing and it seems like at every opportunity, God shuts the door and says, "No." (maybe it's a "not yet", but I haven't gotten there yet.) I've given up on telling anyone what my new plan is because more than likely, if I've thought it out, it's not going to happen.

I don't mean to be cynical about it, honestly. God's got His plan, and I know it's going to surpass in greatness anything I could every possibly come up with even if I had all the time and resources to plan it out. I KNOW His way is best.

I just don't get where He's taking me, why He seems to be leading me away from missions. And maybe it's not missions in general, but how He's going to use me. Maybe He has another ministry in mind besides missions accounting (girls being sold into the sex industry keeps kicking me in the gut). Regardless, whatever He has in mind for me is being withheld from my knowledge right now.

He's leading me somewhere though, that's for sure. When I wasn't looking for a new job but knew I wanted to leave where I currently am, God plopped it down right in my lap and totally blessed me. Like, COMPLETE blessing. I love it. He knew what I wanted and without me nagging and whining (at least I hope I haven't been!), He sets things in motion that - more than anything else - allow me to be more happy/content/satisfied/fulfilled. I'm going to get to serve people!

I guess I just wish I could see where I'm going beyond where God nudges me from time to time.

'Member that time?

'Member that Christmas when my sister got an AWESOME ballerina Barbie that had a crown on her head and when you held onto the crown and made small circles with your hand, Barbie would twirl in her pretty pink dress? She was the most beautiful Barbie I had ever seen. And her elbows/knees/hands/feet were on hinges!!! (i.e. they moved!)

I convinced Jessi that my new chapstick stocking stuffer was equally as impressive, and we made the completely fair trade of my small tube of chapstick for her revolutionary moving-in-new-ways Barbie.

As she was playing with her new chapstick (bless her heart) and walking it along the back of the couch, it slipped from her fingers and fell behind the couch. Unable to get it herself, she asked mom for help. It didn't take long for Mom to learn of our trade.

Despite how much I insisted that Jessi was totally ok with this and I didn't trick her and we were both happy with our trade, Mom made me give the Barbie back.

I will probably never get hired by the Federal Trade Commission.

'Member that Time?

'Member that time that I went to Olive Garden with Paxton, despite knowing that sometimes I can get very sick off of it? 'Member how after we walked out of the restaurant to the car, I knew something was very VERY wrong?

We didn't get very far before I started panicking and told Pax to stop RIGHT NOW. He protested until he saw my fierceness and stopped in front of Target where I flew into the store and made a mad dash to the bathroom.

Wave after wave of abdominal cramps followed by the worst kind of sickness came over me with no hesitation or pause. And 'member how it was peak shopping time during the weekend and the bathroom was constantly full? Yeah, it's a good thing bathroom turnover is only about 2 minutes because I'm not sure anyone else could have stomached being in there much longer (not to mention no one knew who I was...). And then some lady thought it would be a wonderful idea to bring her cart into the bathroom and park it right in front of my stall!! She didn't stay too long after the next wave.

'Member how Pax finally called me about 30 minutes in to ask if I was ok?

"No. I need you to do two things...."

Eventually, I came out. Very tired. Very pale. Very very very dehydrated.

Is it odd that I still crave to go to Olive Garden, even after this?

It IS the most important meal of the day...

Breakfast has become my new favorite meal (again.). When else can I stuff myself on a ridiculous amount of protein and carbs, all in the name of gaining back the energy I've spent on working out hardcore?!

My typical breakfast consists of a glass of cranberry grape juice (ok, so that's not THAT good for me, but I splurge), a cheese/ham/green onion scramble with THREE eggs, and a bowl of strawberry yogurt.

In an effort to broaden my breakfast horizons, I bought english muffins the other day. Did you know certain brands of english muffins aren't sliced down the middle? Why on earth would english muffins NOT be sliced down the middle?!

Regardless, I have to tear them open and toast them, and then when it's time to butter them, I feel like I'm buttering the moon, what with all it's craters and such. Have you ever tried buttering the moon? Didn't think so. I'll tell you this much, it's frustrating. I do not like butter filled craters for my breakfast, thankyouverymuch.

PS, sorry for the lack of blogs lately. Bootcamp kills my creativity and I can only do one or the other. Fortunately for you, I skipped bootcamp yesterday to go see my sister WHO'S BACK FROM JAPAN! and so you get me back for the time being. Lucky!!!!

New Game Show Idea

What's In Your Purse?!?!

Today's contestant is Danielle and she has a lot of excuses for what's going on in there...

3 pens

Tide stick pen

4 kinds of chapstick

Dryer sheet

2 toothbrushes

A box of Gas-X

A coupon for a dozen free eggs

An Ipod chord

2 slices of cheese

A baggie of cereal

TWWS: Pi Day

Talking to Ben on gmail, (complaining)/saying how exhausted I am today...

Ben: yikes...
also, its Pi day

Me: yeah, i know
and it's taking FOREVER

Ben: welllllllll it might be because Pi is an irrational number
which never ends
bwahahahahaha

Lots of parenthesis.

Hokay, so.

Bootcamp is going awesome. BUT. I'm in TERRIBLE shape - as bad, if not worse, as I was when I started last year. It's frustrating how much I slid backwards! But I can DO this! I have goals and aspirations and dreams that involve getting very muddy. I have full confidence, and I can already tell I'm getting better/stronger/not as dumb. And it's probably very amusing/scary to listen to me talk to myself during workouts (I'm all about yelling at myself like a drill sergeant and muttering how ridiculous this [being my fitness level] is).

(Also, my cold lingers from last week, but my nose ONLY runs when I'm working out. I think it's my body's last ditch effort to give itself a break between insane reps of something ridiculous Jeff has thought up.)

I also want to start running (half marathon this summer?), biking to work once a week or more (15+ miles?!), swimming (if I can get over the whole chlorine thing...blach), and FINALLY start boxing (I didn't spend an hour filling that wave-master for nothing!!!).

Realistically, I don't know if I'm going to be able to do all that. But I have it in my head that I'm going to, so....there's that.

Finally, I really cannot wait for April. Why?

• Tax season is over. (it is going well, but two jobs takes a lot out of you if you're not careful. Not careful being joining 5am bootcamp)
• I'm a quarter of a century old. (Quarter party anyone?!)
• Spa day with my mom to celebrate both.
• Um, nice weather?!?! Helloooo?!?!
  

Problem/Solution

One of the things I dislike most about my job is licking envelopes. I have NEVER liked the taste of the glue, and the bitter taste has a drying effect on my mouth, leaving me unable to lick and seal ALL of the envelopes I need to send out.

I have a solution though! FLAVORED ENVELOPE GLUE. I would be more than happy to lick all our strawberry-flavored envelopes so mail can go out!

Realistically, why not? They've made Tylenol taste like candy so you can suck on it a bit, wait (but not for long!) for saliva to accumulate, and swallow! Easy!

Now, I don't have the means to implement my solution. I have no business plan, resources, or anything worthwhile; I'm just the brains. SO. Anyone who happens to venture across this idea....please, steal it and run with it. I don't care if you make millions. I will just be happy to have yummy envelopes to lick.

I mean, with an "invention" like that, you could realistically have all the administrative assistant girlfriends you could ever want. (what?! secretaries are hot...)

'Member That Time?

'Member that time last summer when I decided it would be a good idea to finally get in shape and get up at the nothing-is-good hour of 5am to do that and join bootcamp? Jeff was so awesome at making me nearly throw up because I was working out so hard.

Randy and I told Jack if he joined bootcamp in March, we would make our reappearance and join again. I left that day with Jack being very doubtful he would join, and I was pretty confident he wasn't going to budge from his post of refusing to get up early.

It's 5am on Monday morning. Take a wild guess where I am right now.

Conviction

Today, I wasn't so sure I wanted to go to church. Honestly. And it's all because of last week's message.

Did any other Cornerstoners get the sucker-punch in the gut from that message?

Philippians 2:14-18. I know you know it.... "Do everything without grumbling and arguing, so that you may be blameless and pure, children of God who are faultless in a crooked and perverted generation, among whom you shine like stars in the world..."

It's so simple, but seriously, how often do we follow it? I don't consider myself a terrible grumbler and complainer (flashback to the woman at Block who, after complaining for 5+ minutes about how she's be treated unfairly by employers, says anyone who knows her knows she's not a complainer...), but I do have my moments, I know. I justify it by saying I need to "rant" about something that's bothering me.

Why can't I just let it go? Why must I speak about it, as if saying it out loud somehow justifies how I've been wronged? Or, to take it one step further, why do I meditate on it and ruminate over each situation where my rights to comfort and pleasure have been pushed aside?

To my credit (which we all know, totally counts because God's keeping a little tally book up in heaven for each of us), I've kept my tongue much better this week. But still. Someone doesn't take me seriously enough, and I immediately start looking for a willing victim to unleash my barely-lethal-but-really-annoying venom on. Ugh... I can't imagine how detestable that noise is to God. He gave us everything when we deserved nothing. No, more than nothing, we deserved hell, but now we have LIFE.

Please just tell me to shut up next time I start going off. Please. I mean that 100%.

Btw, I did go to church and was challenged deeply once again. ~sigh~ At least this week it's not going to be about sin issues....

That's what we said...

Me: My skin would be all, "Ahhhhh!!! What are you putting on me?!?!"

Emma: "Can I make a zit out of it? I think so!!"

'Member That Time?

'Member that time when I was young and in Patch the Pirate club (church group that met on Wednesdays)? 'Member how we were given a prize if we were extra good during the lesson and singing?

I figured out the system. After a month of being the perfect angel and only getting one prize, I realized that they do a rotation, and each kid only wins once every 4 weeks, even the "bad" ones.

'Member how I was so proud I figured it out and from that point on, was only "good" every 4th week, because really, if you're not getting toys for being well behaved, why exert all that energy?

All of a sudden, my good behavior was more praised because it wasn't the norm anymore.

Confessions: Pancheros

I love it when I get extra stamps when I buy burritos from Pancheros. I like to think it's because I'm lookin' extra good that day and all that work of getting prettified has paid off in the form of getting that much closer to my free burrito.

Saturday, I must have been rocking it because I got THREE stamps.

Someday, I'm going to be mildly devastated if I discover that there is double stamp and triple stamp days at my favorite burrito joint.

Must See.

I jumped on this bandwagon several months ago and have horded it like the greedy little sinner I am. But the cat is coming out of the bag, with or without me sharing.

This ever-melodic duo needs to be introduced to you.

Ladies and gentlemen.... The Civil Wars.

Sick day?

I thought I had out-smarted the system.

See, whenever you say something with complete confidence, the universe turns around, takes notice, and hits you where it hurts to ruin that confidence.

"I have a super power. I cannot get sick."

I've been around SO many sick people lately. Flu, influenza, really nasty colds, weird coughs, viral pleurisy, my roommate had strep possibly....I've seen it all. Don't get me wrong, I'm not intentionally putting myself in harms way; it's more-so sharing life with my brothers and sisters in Christ, the good and bad. Life can't be all peaches and ice cream, right?

(Why peaches and ice cream....?)

I figured, if I claim this enough, karma would come back to bite me. Lo and behold...

I woke up this morning with a mildly irritated throat that feels dry all the time. Is that all you got, Universe?!?! Pathetic.

'Member That Time?

'Member that time when I was absentmindedly playing with one of those big rubber "poppers" and watching tv at the same time? And remember how I absentmindedly stuck it to my forehead because the suction felt funny? I left it on there for the rest of the show, mostly because I forgot about it.

Then, remember how I went into the kitchen to ask about dinner and my mom took one look at me and burst out laughing hysterically? Unfortunately, I was not lucky enough to avoid the consequences of suctioning the toy to my head and I had a giant hickey right in the middle of my forehead.

Fortunately for me it was winter, so I could pull my headband down over my forehead as I walked to school alone. Unfortunately for me, it was not winter inside the school and I was forced to take my headband off. No one ever said anything to my face about the hickey, but in 5th grade, that type of gossip spreads like wildfire. Good thing I moved away 2 years later.

I'll never be able to live that week of humiliation, especially since there are pictures. (thank you mom.)

New Step!

Lately, I've been thinking about/wishing/wanting a mentor - someone who's older and wiser and can pour their wealth of wisdom on me and challenge me.

Of course, I'm surrounded by amazing women around my age who care for me deeply and love me no matter what mood I'm in (which, admittedly, hasn't been very fun lately...I'm feeling run down and beat up by life); it would take me forever to list all of them out. But there's something different/lovely/inspiring about having a Godly older woman who has experienced life and can share those experiences and lessons with you.

I finally asked an amazing woman who's on our coordinating team for Perspectives and who I completely respect to be that person for me. Without hesitation, she answered yes.

She blew me away after Perspectives when she approached me to talk more and said that this past year (since she first met me, really), she's been praying that I would seek someone out to play that role in my life and that I would grow in wisdom.

She's been praying for me!! For the past year!! I know you know the feeling (at the very least, I hope you do) when you find out someone has been earnestly seeking God on your behalf. Complete joy and elation! Kindergarten word = warm fuzzies EVERYWHERE.

And surprise surprise...Satan tries worms his way in to rob me of my joy by placing doubt in my mind. Nope, not this time (or any time, preferably). This is from God.

Just a word of advice...

If you're going to get something pierced, you should probably do it by someone who has a face that would set off a metal detector and not a grossly overweight man with a speech impediment when he's nervous.

Seems so obvious now....

Yep, That's What We Said

Me: "Is it time?!?!"

Emma: "No, it's cilantro!"

Such a waste....

One of the most irritating things for me is buying a food item that I need for a certain recipe with full knowledge that I won't be able to use it all before it goes bad. I hate wasting the money and food item!

For instance...milk. I cannot buy a gallon of milk (or a quart for that matter) and use it all before it goes bad. I hate drinking it, so I only use it for cooking, and therefore, it usually goes bad before I use it all. Solution? Almond milk. It's thicker/creamier and yummy and lasts MUCH longer!! And since I use it for cooking, it's generally not noticeable that I didn't use the real thing. Win win win.

But one thing I couldn't get past? Cilantro. Usually when I'm making a recipe, I only need one tablespoon at a time, and whaddaya know....cilantro doesn't come in 1 tbsp increments. Nope, gotta buy the whole bag and hope a lot goes a little ways. (hint, it doesn't usually)

But my friend Paige? She's a genius. Look at what she does!

It freezes!!! Loooooove it!! Guess who's no longer wasting herbs?! A tablespoon fits in each little cube in the ice-cube tray and after about 2 tablespoons of water in each one, it's ready to freeze!! Gah, I'm so excited about this! Sure, it's just $2 I'm not wasting...but that's a tea at Cafe Diem that I can have now!!! Whoop!

Also, with the insane blizzard that we had here, I came home early and got a bunch done, including laundry. When I went downstairs to finish my last load, I found that our washer had moved here:

...when it used to be here:

Whoops!! Guess I should have balanced it out a little better in there... And it's a really good thing our hoses are so long and flexible!! That sucker must have been moving because it was AT LEAST a foot and a half further away from the dryer than it should have been. Yikes...

Disclaimer....our washer/dryer are in the basement and I swear, it doesn't actually look this gross down there. Also, don't look too close at the laundry coming out of the dryer. Just in case.

I am in LOVE with...

This magazine. Absolutely adore it. It's SO nice and relaxing to read! And the organizational tips in it? Loooove it!

Cranberry-grape juice with 7-Up. Looks wine-ish without the [nasty] alcoholic taste. Hey, whatever makes me feel more sophisticated...

Sweats and blankets. As freakin' cold as it is outside (um, negative 2 this morning?!?!), it is really nice to come home, immediately change into warmer duds and make a nest of blankets on the couch. (That is, when I have a free evening)

My knit gloves. I got them at Ragstock in Iowa City when I was with Jordan, and they are hands down the most amazing things I have ever put on my hands. ZERO wind and cold gets through these things. I don't know where they've been the past 24 years of my life, but I can't imagine facing winter without them now.

Jesus. But that's a given.

People touching me. My love language is physical touch, and it sometimes feels like someone sent out a giant memo a few months ago to everyone I love and told them to increase the hugs and hair-playing and high-fives (not nearly as gratifying, but I'm definitely not picky).

My roommate. She's pretty much amazing, and I love that she is so self-less and loving. And she says the most ridiculous things to me/with me.

Time flies...

Things are definitely picking up speed as we're plowing through January! Can you believe that tomorrow is the 20th?!?! Seriously, where has this month gone? I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to wake up tomorrow and have to start end-of-the-year taxes again. This whole time thing is pretty ridiculous if you don't keep close track of it....

It's getting super hard to enjoy each day for what it is now too. I'm constantly moving from one thing to the next. 8-4, I'm working at my full-time job, and 5-9 most weekdays and 8:30-5 on Saturdays, I'm at H&R Block doing taxes. Sunday SHOULD be my sabbath, but instead I'm at Cornerstone and leading the infant room for morning services followed by Perspectives and then connection group. I enjoy the full schedule because I'm rarely left home alone to fall back into old habits (napping all afternoon/watching tv on hulu), but those little moments to myself are so valuable!

Every extra 5 minutes is nice, and it's especially wonderful when I USE that time to do something productive! Some ideas:

-Pick up a few things in the living room to clean it up

-Clean all the mirrors (amazing what this does...)

-Clean out purse (I feel like I lose a few pounds when I do this!)

-Return that phone call you keep forgetting about!

-Gather clothes that you need to take to Goodwill and put them in your car!!

-Actually take said clothes TO Goodwill!

-Download pictures from your camera onto your computer

-In fact, why don't you download that cd you've been dying for? (I've got like, 5)

-Reorganize the freezer

-If they've stuck around for a laundry cycle or two, throw unmatched socks away (seriously, why do we keep them? The dryer-pit of doom will never return them...)

I have this horrible habit of hitting the snooze button until I drag my bum body out of bed to frantically get ready for work. Guess what getting up 15 minutes earlier gets me? Time to put lotion on (luxury!!), pick up my room and get everything back in order, and usually enough time to get in a quick Bible read while my car is warming up in the driveway. 15 minutes!! I don't know how it all fits in there, but it does! And really, what good is that extra 15 minutes (interrupted at 5 minute intervals) really doing for me in the long run?

Despite having so many large demands on my time, I'm maintaining a surprising amount of sanity. Hope it stays though! Things will only get crazier when the tax season starts...

'Member That Time?

'Member that time when I finally confided in my dad that I liked a boy in my 2nd grade class, and he suggested I write him a note telling him so? And 'member how I snuck the "i like you" note in his desk during recess? And then I got anxious when he didn't respond so I put another "i like you" note in his desk the next day? And 'member he approached me WITH HIS GUY FRIEND and asked whether I meant as a friend or as a more than a friend? And how I blurted out in a panic "Asafriend!" as my cheeks became enflamed with embarrassment?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that never happened.

linked up from Paige

There's got to be a better way...

I cry an embarrassingly large amount when I cut onions. It's a natural response, I know, but honestly, I could do without the crying. I've actually gotten to the point where I cut my onions the day BEFORE I use them so when I sob my eyes out, I can immediately to go the bathroom, wash my face, and go straight to bed as leftover tears slowly fall their way to my pillow. (Only a slight exaggeration.)

This is where you come in. I need remedies to prevent myself from tearing up during food prep.

My grandma and cousin both said to breath through my mouth completely when cutting them - no onion smell means my back-up supply of fresh, ready-for-action, trigger-happy tears aren't given the signal that it's time for some serious action.

I gave it a shot tonight, and while it's true, I didn't tear up as much (though my eyes still buuuurned!), I had a reaction that was just as embarrassing and unappealing as the sad clown. For the sake of dinner tomorrow, I won't go into it.

So seriously, I want some advice. I COULD ask google, but really, I'd like to leave my fate in your hands. That way, when my dismal attempts at tear-aversion utterly fail, there's a physical person I could point the finger to from underneath my moist....nah, soggy pile of tissues.

And don't you dare suggest this.

Copy Cat

First off, if you (ladies) have not heard of or read Jodi Michelle before, GET ON IT NOW. I have no idea who she is, but I know I love her and her honesty and vulnerability. Most of the time, I read her blog and think, "Dang it!! I was TOTALLY going to say that, only not as eloquently!" (And if you go to her site, you'll see my last post has a few echoes of this post, but I swear it was an original thought at one point...)

I was thinking of posting again and had pretty much thought about what I wanted to say and all that. Then I went to her site and saw she posted on the same topic 2 days ago. For Pete's sake, woman! Get out of my head!

So in the spirit of individuality, I'll say something different. Or the same thing differently.

Please comment... Just this once. (Maybe). I'm perfectly content talking to myself (I'm an excellent conversationalist with myself... we could go on for hours), but it's far more awkward for me when I'm not sure if I'm still carrying on a conversation with someone who checked out 10 minutes ago (or months ago). So for the sake of my sanity, drop a note every once in a while if you can. Much obliged. :)

Life Management

I've noticed a growing number of my female friends own a "Home Management Notebook". At first, I attributed it to being just my married friends who have a home to keep up for their family, but recently, I've seen more of my single friends begin to implement this into their lives as well. For those who don't know (because I certainly didn't), inside are schedules for cleaning, cooking, different recipes for food and homemade cleaning agents, decoration ideas, and pretty much anything else you think might belong inside a home organizational binder.

I have NEVER heard of this concept before. My mom never had such a thing, though I can't see her operating on such a system. It seems very confining to "manage" your home by scheduling when to do cleaning and shopping and what to cook each night. In a way, it makes sense, I suppose; if it's on the schedule to clean the bathroom every Saturday, you KNOW the last time the shower was scrubbed and you don't panic when a friend decides to spend the night and you suspect she may venture into the bathroom to shower the next morning before you've had a chance to wipe away that odd dust that accumulates on the corners of the tub. (see, I definitely don't have any specific examples) Ok, I understand the necessity sometimes...

But my life schedule is always different! It's not guaranteed that I'm going to be home on Saturday - I may be traveling for several weekends in a row. I don't feel this burning desire to schedule my life and tasks and meals like a manager over a restaurant either. And I feel like a lot of these weekly tasks could be accomplished without the use of a schedule, if only I could use my time appropriately instead of hitting gmail immediately after getting home from work.

Oddly, I still feel this pull towards it though. Not necessarily because it's how I function best and how I know things will get done if I do it that way. (In reality, the binder will sit in my nightstand where I'll pull it out every few months, stuff papers inside of it that have been floating around/stuffed in the same nightstand as the binder and throw it back into the darkness for the next month. Again, I don't have specific examples on similar binders.) Because so many of my friends are utilizing this management notebook and their lives are so "clean" and organized and simple, I feel like I need to do it this way too in order to have a clean, organized and simple life. The end result appeals to me greatly, but definitely not the means on how to get there.

So while I try to figure out how to accomplish such a smooth life, I'll make do with small steps.

Small step #1: Be intentional. Vague, yes. Working? More yes. It can be as small as doing the dishes in the 10 minutes I have while cooking dinner to setting aside time to read each day and being deliberate about which book I read to even bigger life things that I can't even contemplate right now.

Next, I need to work on making a Dove Dark Chocolate bar last longer. It may not be related to accomplishing an organized and simple life, but I still think it's very important.

Confession

I hate new years resolutions.

You might ask if my reason for hating them has anything to do with the fact that I can't keep them.

Maaaaaaybe....

BUT. I hate the fact that people don't make the decision to change something (eat healthier, excersize, treat/pamper yourself more, manage money better, ect ect ect) when they realize something's wrong. I get it, the new year makes for a nice beginning point, and year long goals are easier to manage when it starts January to December. But still...if you realize that you've put on 10 pounds in the past 2 years, why wait to do something about it?

To be completely fair, I'm doing an awful lot of assuming and am only guessing that a lot of people do this. My basis for such an accusation? I did it. Guilty.

Of course, this goes a bit deeper than what I'm admitting. Having everyone list of their new years resolutions reminds me that once again, another year has passed and once again, I'm not where I thought I would be right now.

I've already mentioned before in blogs years past that I thought by now, I'd be married to an amazing man and have a kid or two that I stay home with. Obviously, that's not the case; I've reconciled that long ago, but I'm still reminded of those old dreams when I see friends moving onto the next stage of their lives.

Instead of having aspirations that are dependent on other people (i.e. marriage and kids), a few years ago I decided on ones that I can control more: paying off student loan debt, enjoying/growing in my job, moving towards missions, that sort of thing. And guess as to what I've done/been doing?

Zilch.

I get so embarrassed about it too. I beat myself up over how I'm not accomplishing much and how I haven't done this or that. I hate how I had all these big plans for myself and how I was going somewhere, but nothing (substantial) has happened.

But truth be told? No one else cares but me. No one else is as torn up about the fact that I'm not debt-free and doing accounting overseas except me. As far as I know (and please correct me if I'm wrong, I can take it), no one is ashamed of where I am in life.

So really, I need to stop making a big ado about nothing and actually ENJOY where I'm at right now. I need to stop apologizing to myself about not reaching a certain milestone when I think I should be. I DON'T have to have everything done by 25. CS Lewis didn't even become a Christian until he was 33 years old. Julia Child didn't start cooking until she was 37. Jesus didn't start His teaching until he was 30. I've got time. (Thank you for the reminder, Lauren!)

The big stuff happens in your 30's....I've got at least 5 years. :)