I received the nicest email I have ever received from him the other day. He wrote about how he wasn't mad or upset with me, how he actually missed me quite a bit (we hadn't spoke for a while, I had wondered if I had said something to offend him or anything of the like). He apologized for taking advantage, for not appreciating me while I was there. And he said he hoped I would find someone who would love me for the wonderful person I am. There was much more, and quite frankly, he left me entirely speechless.
But now for the big news. He says he's realizing he can't be happy not being a Christian. But he can't go back because the "Christian life" he lived wasn't living at all. It was a shallow faith, and he's not sure he could have a strong one.
He's so lost right now, doesn't know what to believe, doesn't know where to live, doesn't know who he is. I want to help him so much, like I have in the past, but that chapter in my life is over. I invested 3 years in him, and there's nothing more I can do, or should do now that I'm no longer with him.
But my heart breaks for him so much! I hate to see him in such a miserable state. I wish I could take his hand again and show him my faith, lead him back to beleif. I wish God would make Himself real to him, or that he would just see Him for who He is: an almighty God who is so much bigger than he thinks.
There isn't much more I can do, besides pray for him. It's hard to take such a seemingly passive role. But even if I wanted to, there's nothing I can do. I came to the realization that I may never see him again. There's no longer a reason for me to go back "home" anymore. All my friends and family are farther north with me now, and he and his friends have moved farther south. That is probably a good thing, though, because I'm not sure I could see him now. If my heart still swells with his letters, I can't imagine what it would do if I saw him face to face.
All this begs the question: am I not over him, even after several months of hardly thinking of him? Or is this feeling just remnants of what I used to feel, stirred up because of everything that's going on right now?
it's remnants, babycakes.
ReplyDeleteeven after four years, my heart still breaks for Josh and the damaged relationship he had with God. and a lot of me still misses him even though he's a disaster in itself. i'm not sure what else to tell you except, don't second guess yourself. you're over him, and you're doing great.