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I should probably preface this blog with what's been going on in my heart the past few months (SO sorry I don't do this more often).
At the time Paxton sent me the email, I knew he was still struggling and therefore, nothing had changed in my feelings for him. However, that changed. I found out from friends of his that he was making great leaps and bounds in his relationship with Christ and in his personal life as well. He was truly becoming the man I wanted to marry. I knew I couldn't get back together with him any time soon; I needed to wait a few years before I could be sure what was changing in his life wasn't a sham. And I certainly didn't want to toy with his heart either. Telling him I may be interested but wouldn't pursue anything for a few years wouldn't do him or myself any good. But I entertained the idea, nonetheless.
He went on hiatus from....the internet in general and I haven't talked to him in forever. But that didn't change the fact that still I thought about him every single day. Guess I wasn't as over him as I thought.
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He's gone. That's it. I'll never see him or talk to him again. And all I can do is cry.
"Dani, I don't think I want to be your friend anymore."
That's something you hear when you're in elementary school with superficial classmates. Or as a joke between friends when something distasteful is brought up. Never in real life though. And it's like a sucker punch to the stomach.
I haven't hurt this much since that early March night when I left him. Now it feels like he's doing the same to me.
I suppose I only have myself to blame. After seeing the changes God was making in him, I left my heart open to the possibility of being with him in a few years. I entertained the idea that this was God's love story for me. How foolish to think I can predict Him!
A small part of me feels relieved though. This was my answer from God that I was looking for. It's time to move on for good. No more entertaining ideas, no more imagining our encounter, no more hoping that the person I gave so much of myself away to was my future husband.
A small part though.
Most of me just feels hurt. Understanding hurt, but hurt nonetheless.
At least there's always heaven.
my darling dear,
ReplyDeleteit's awful, to be true.
but it will get better.
may God be praised that you no longer have to torment yourself with foolish thoughts. I am completely in the same boat...although I'm allowing myself to be tricked for a few more times before I decide to come back to reality.
I'm sorry it had to happen this way, but "We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God-those whom he has called according to his plan."
Let me post something for you that was very very helpful to me in all my times of trouble, okay?
It's called Fortitude and it's by Frances J Roberts.
"In a multitude of testings, thou shalt learn courage. It matters not the price ye pay, but at any cost ye must obtain strength of character and the fortitude to endure. I would build thy resources until ye be able to carry unusually heavy loads and withstand intense pressures.
Ye shall thus become an ambassador of the Kingdom of Heaven to whom I can assign critical missions, being confident that ye are equipped to fulfull them.
It shall be in vain if ye anticipate resting in a comfortable place. Lo, Zion is already filled with those who are at ease. No, ye shall find thyself put in a place of training and discipline, so that when the moments of crisis come ye shall not be faint-hearted, and ye shall not be the victim of unwonted fear.
Trust My instruction in all of this, as ye have in different types of past experiences. I am faithful and loving, and I am doing this in order that ye may meet the future days, and not be found wanting."
it seems november is "sucky relationship month." it was this month a half dozen years ago that i talked to my ex for the last time after trying to make things work. she said no (no, she said god said no). to be honest, it hurt for a long time. whatever you're feeling is ok. when someone is your best friend for a few years and then things don't work out, it's like a part of your heart has been ripped from the core of who you are. you probably won't ever be the same again, but that doesn't mean that you won't recover. i'm so sorry you have to go through this, and i hope that you have people to cry with. i'm confident that you will recover.
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