allow me to be vulnerable... and lengthy

I'm terrified into oblivion. And it makes me cry, but not the "weeping and sobbing" kind, just the "single tear that rolls down your face" kind. Much more mature.

Rest assured, I'll probably be ok tomorrow. Or in an hour, after I've read me some Jesus.

What am I terrified of?

Not being happy.

I'm paralyzed into indecision because I'm afraid that if I take the job (that, by the way, hasn't even been offered to me yet. yeesh! I'm ridiculous...) and move to Denison, away from my amazing church and close friends and all the support anyone could ever need, I'll fall apart into a small pile of lonely, unhappy Danielle-crumbles.

I desperately need people, like I need food and water and sleep. I become a very crabby mess if left by myself for a day or two.

This isn't to say that Denison is inhabited by antisocial aliens, plotting to ostracize me in response to my coming and disturbing their peace. I know that people are there and maybe even a few Christians.

But I'm afraid. What if there aren't people in my demographic? (20-something, fresh out of college, taking the world by force [clearly me]) What if I find that no one can relate to me? What if there isn't a Cornerstone Church there? (ironically, there is. But I bet you anything, it's not my Cornerstone Church)

Or even scarier... what if this is all just a disguise for me not wanting to trust God in this area?

The tears that are welling up say I may have hit the nail on the head.

I don't think that it's that I don't WANT to trust. It's that I've become comfortable where I am, and just like anyone else, I'm uneasy when it comes change, especially the radical variety. Things will be much different. Things will be much harder. (more sniffles) But God can still challenge me and grow me and love me, even 2 hours and 29 minutes away from the body of Christ I've become a part of.

Have you noticed that I keep referring to a certain church? Mom dropped me in our wrestling match (metaphorically speaking) when she said, "You need to start worshipping God and stop worshipping Cornerstone Church." Sucker-punch. More introspection.

I had, essentially, rejected everything else she had said up to that point (because she just doesn't understand [rolls eyes now]), but this.... this made me stop and think. Am I really 'worshipping' Cornerstone and not God? The fact that I fell prostrate on my face during worship and wept uncontrollably (man, this post is making me look weak!!!) tells me differently. But then again, any time I refer to what God's doing, it's in reference to a group affiliated with Cornerstone or Cornerstone itself. Oh, I know it's all from God. But I tend to mention the church more than the true source.

That begs the question... If I claim to know it's all coming from God, couldn't those same things be happening in Denison? Assuming of course, that God is in Denison. By resisting the move because God's moving in Cornerstone and I'm a part of that, implying that I wouldn't be used in Denison like I am here, am I putting God in a box? (That, by the way, was not what my mom told me last week... [clears throat loudly])

Clearly, I have issues. And answers.

So I'll give Denison a chance. Who knows, just maybe, God will push me out of my comfort zone to share the gospel with all those unbelieving Denisonians.

And how bad can a town be that has an open burning of all their leftover pumpkins from Halloween?