Holy crap, nearly 20 days since I last blogged. This is becoming like my xanga site--once every blue moon... So much to blog about now--where to start?
Paige had her baby; so adorable!! I love the little guy! He's got SUCH a head of hair, it's insane. Paige, you and Todd make amazing babies! I hope you have a dozen! ;)
I've decided to pick up a minor at ISU in MIS. I was 15 credits short of graduating with 150 credits (required for the CPA); what's one more semester? So graduation has been pushed back to Spring of 2010, which is killing me. 6 full years of school--what am I thinking?! I figured I'd have a harder time coming back, though, if I opted to have future employers pay for my extra schooling. It's better to get it all over with.
I'm grateful to have the semester done with, but I didn't do as well as I hoped I would. I'm still four hundreths of a point away from a 3.0 and it's killing me. I didn't realize how bad of a student I am until this year. Yikes! So many bad habits...(like not studying or reading my books)
The biggest news of all: Jessi's getting married! 2 1/2 week long engagement, and she's no longer a single woman! Her wedding is this sunday and it'll be nice not to have to worry about last minute planning anymore. Mom's pretty impressed with herself though. First daughter to get married (so first time planning a wedding) and she planned it in two weeks. Bravo, mom, bravo!! The rest of our wedding should be a peice of cake compared to this. :)
Christmas was amazing this year. The doctor my mom works for gave us a 10 foot artificial tree for our new house, and it's amazing. Sophie, our cat, loves it too; she climbed it all the way to the top and watched us open presents and whatnot. Mom got me the card game "Old Maid"--new nickname? (Hope not)
It's odd--I'm going to have a brother-in-law in 3 days. It's really weird to think about.
I mean, when I was younger, I had planned on being graduated from college and married by the time I was 22. Maybe a kid on the way. (Paige, you stole my plan ;)) But here I am, still a year and a half away from graduating, not even a boyfriend, and certainly no child on the way. ~sigh~ I shouldn't be so disappointed--it's His plan and it's far better than anything I could or would have chosen for myself. (Oddly enough, the plan I had for myself is now the plan for my sister.) It's still weird though. My little sister is getting married before me, having sex before me, having kids before me... I've been told it's not that big of a thing, and it's not really. It's just not what I had thought would happen. I fully expected to be helping her plan her wedding because I would be an "experienced veteran" and would know what to expect and plan for, not calling mom begging to be told how I could help when I was accidently left out of planning.
Oh well. I'm really happy for her (ectatic, really) and will be a mess of tears when she walks down that aisle with dad. And I will be a mess of tears when she and Mike look in each others eyes and tell eachother that they'll be there forever. And I will be a mess of tears when my dad sings (I always am anyway).
Who would have known you can plan a perfect wedding in two and a half weeks? :)
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
I just woke up from having the most amazing nap dream ever.
I was casually walking to my car when I saw this huge wolf racing towards me out of the corner of my eye. I quickly jumped in, but it bashed in the windows and started snapping at me. But as quickly as he appeared, he suddenly vanished. In his place was a very gorgeous boy who helped me out and made sure I was ok. I had an odd suspision that he was a vampire; maybe it was the fact that he was gorgeous and just took on a wolf--but I degresss.
After helping me out the car safely, he turned around and began to leave. Since I was new to the area, I stopped him and asked what his name was, where he was from, etc. Turns out he didn't have many friends so I invited him over to my glass house for pizza and Jenga.
While we were playing our innocent game of Jenga on the couch, Kim, Paxton's former step mom, came in and started chatting with us and mentioned that one of her sons stopped by for a visit. I froze and quietly asked if Paxton was in town. She confirmed and I panicked. In my glass house, Paxton was sure to see me and this gorgeous guy playing Jenga on my couch. I didn't want to hurt him by making him think that I was seeing someone (especially someone so good looking!) because my and the vampire's friendship was completely platonic, so I began scrambling to figure out a way to hide my vampire friend in my glass house.
~~
At this point in the dream, my roommates walked in and woke me up, erasing all memories of my handsome new friend and his name. ~sigh~
Could it be possible I'm reading too much Twilight? :)
I was casually walking to my car when I saw this huge wolf racing towards me out of the corner of my eye. I quickly jumped in, but it bashed in the windows and started snapping at me. But as quickly as he appeared, he suddenly vanished. In his place was a very gorgeous boy who helped me out and made sure I was ok. I had an odd suspision that he was a vampire; maybe it was the fact that he was gorgeous and just took on a wolf--but I degresss.
After helping me out the car safely, he turned around and began to leave. Since I was new to the area, I stopped him and asked what his name was, where he was from, etc. Turns out he didn't have many friends so I invited him over to my glass house for pizza and Jenga.
While we were playing our innocent game of Jenga on the couch, Kim, Paxton's former step mom, came in and started chatting with us and mentioned that one of her sons stopped by for a visit. I froze and quietly asked if Paxton was in town. She confirmed and I panicked. In my glass house, Paxton was sure to see me and this gorgeous guy playing Jenga on my couch. I didn't want to hurt him by making him think that I was seeing someone (especially someone so good looking!) because my and the vampire's friendship was completely platonic, so I began scrambling to figure out a way to hide my vampire friend in my glass house.
~~
At this point in the dream, my roommates walked in and woke me up, erasing all memories of my handsome new friend and his name. ~sigh~
Could it be possible I'm reading too much Twilight? :)
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Seriously, I am a magnet for things that cost money! Let's see...what happened?
Can't remember if I mentioned this or not, but on our (Lauren's and my) way back home to Newton from Mount Pleasant, my tire went flat on I-80. Not too big a deal, I can fix a flat, but I'm not so handy without a lugnut wrench. So we had to call for help, and all the while dad's telling me how I need to learn how to change a flat without having to call 911. ~sigh~ The tire was beyond repair, so we had to buy another one. Gotta cough up more cash. Lauren was so fun though. She was freaked out about the huge semi's going by and moving the car by the force of their...air (?) and because the car was on a slight slope next to a deep ditch, she was convinced we were going to tip over. :) After all was said and done, she climbed back in the car with me, sighed, and exclaimed, "Life experiences!" Maybe you had to be there...
We went back to Mount Pleasant for our parent's anniversary party (where I wrote the last entry) and drove back today. We left a little later than we should have and got back to Newton late.
Problem #1: Nasty Iowa winter weather. The roads are coated with ice. Yuck. It'll take me a while to get back home.
Problem #2: My car battery is dead again. This time for no apparent reason. (Enter voice in head: "Bad money magnet! Bad money magnet!") Dad decided my battery is worthless, is way to small for my car, and no longer worthy to sit on the platform beside my engine. He gave me a new battery, a different battery, that seemed to start my car with no problems at all. It's a lot bigger too; much more worthy to sit on the engine throne. I feel like I've betrayed my old battery that was semi-reliable for 2 years, but those feelings were quickly forgotten and the whole situation wouldn't have been brought up again, were it not for blogspot.
Problem #3: Changing my tire. Not really a problem per say, however my efforts to persuade my dad that I can, in fact, change a tire were thwarted when I forgot to loosen the lugnuts when the car was on the ground. Dad read that as an inability to complete the task and took over. Once he turned his back to put the spare away, I immediately jumped into action and tried to place my brand new, deep tread tire on the axil ("tried" being the key word). I can make up a million excuses as to why my frozen hands couldn't maneuver the big heavy tire onto the small bullseye of the bolts while my hair was blowing in my face and making eye contact with my small goal difficult, but I'll just say dad took over quickly and finished giving me my lesson in "how to change a tire." Class finally dismissed.
Problem #4: Finally, at 9 pm, I'm on the road to Ames. On the road, but not moving. Yeah, slight problem with west-bound I-80. It's not moving. Took me 15 minutes to go one mile. Now, I'm not a math wizard, but I had 33 miles to go until I hit Des Moines and who knew how far traffic was backed up; I could end up hitting Ames at 1am! If I arrived that late, no doubt my roommates would be asleep and I wouldn't get help bringing stuff into the apartment. I turned around at an illegal U-turn path (why are they there if you're not supposed to use them?!) and headed back home in a faction of the time it took me to get to the spot I turned around.
Which leaves me at the here and now. I am now here in Newton, spending (hopefully just) one more night before I head back home.
Paige, don't go into labor with bad roads. I'll pray for a prophet to come and knock on your door, telling you to leave early so you don't have to rush to the hospital on a layer of ice. Preggers people should not have to deliver in such weather conditions... And I got the little guy hats! :)
Can't remember if I mentioned this or not, but on our (Lauren's and my) way back home to Newton from Mount Pleasant, my tire went flat on I-80. Not too big a deal, I can fix a flat, but I'm not so handy without a lugnut wrench. So we had to call for help, and all the while dad's telling me how I need to learn how to change a flat without having to call 911. ~sigh~ The tire was beyond repair, so we had to buy another one. Gotta cough up more cash. Lauren was so fun though. She was freaked out about the huge semi's going by and moving the car by the force of their...air (?) and because the car was on a slight slope next to a deep ditch, she was convinced we were going to tip over. :) After all was said and done, she climbed back in the car with me, sighed, and exclaimed, "Life experiences!" Maybe you had to be there...
We went back to Mount Pleasant for our parent's anniversary party (where I wrote the last entry) and drove back today. We left a little later than we should have and got back to Newton late.
Problem #1: Nasty Iowa winter weather. The roads are coated with ice. Yuck. It'll take me a while to get back home.
Problem #2: My car battery is dead again. This time for no apparent reason. (Enter voice in head: "Bad money magnet! Bad money magnet!") Dad decided my battery is worthless, is way to small for my car, and no longer worthy to sit on the platform beside my engine. He gave me a new battery, a different battery, that seemed to start my car with no problems at all. It's a lot bigger too; much more worthy to sit on the engine throne. I feel like I've betrayed my old battery that was semi-reliable for 2 years, but those feelings were quickly forgotten and the whole situation wouldn't have been brought up again, were it not for blogspot.
Problem #3: Changing my tire. Not really a problem per say, however my efforts to persuade my dad that I can, in fact, change a tire were thwarted when I forgot to loosen the lugnuts when the car was on the ground. Dad read that as an inability to complete the task and took over. Once he turned his back to put the spare away, I immediately jumped into action and tried to place my brand new, deep tread tire on the axil ("tried" being the key word). I can make up a million excuses as to why my frozen hands couldn't maneuver the big heavy tire onto the small bullseye of the bolts while my hair was blowing in my face and making eye contact with my small goal difficult, but I'll just say dad took over quickly and finished giving me my lesson in "how to change a tire." Class finally dismissed.
Problem #4: Finally, at 9 pm, I'm on the road to Ames. On the road, but not moving. Yeah, slight problem with west-bound I-80. It's not moving. Took me 15 minutes to go one mile. Now, I'm not a math wizard, but I had 33 miles to go until I hit Des Moines and who knew how far traffic was backed up; I could end up hitting Ames at 1am! If I arrived that late, no doubt my roommates would be asleep and I wouldn't get help bringing stuff into the apartment. I turned around at an illegal U-turn path (why are they there if you're not supposed to use them?!) and headed back home in a faction of the time it took me to get to the spot I turned around.
Which leaves me at the here and now. I am now here in Newton, spending (hopefully just) one more night before I head back home.
Paige, don't go into labor with bad roads. I'll pray for a prophet to come and knock on your door, telling you to leave early so you don't have to rush to the hospital on a layer of ice. Preggers people should not have to deliver in such weather conditions... And I got the little guy hats! :)
Friday, November 28, 2008
Black Friday
I had a blast this week with family! Thursday, we had the family come to our new house in Newton and had Thanksgiving dinner there. We stuffed ourselves silly and games followed for the next few hours until we were all exhausted.
Today, the ladies of the house went to Iowa City and shopped all day. Though I had nothing to get, I went along anyway and had a great time with all of them. Once again, I'm reminded of how much I love my family and need them.
It was funny though... Walking through the mall, I have never been approached by the center aisle merchants, but today, an aggressive woman approached and practically demanded that I come and get my makeup done with her mineral makeup. We were leaving, so I had to decline but she persisted even while I was walking away. Yikes... Not even 5 minutes later, I was aggressively approached again, only this time, for my hair. "Please! Let me do your hair!" Again, I declined, and again, she continued to persist. My goodness!! Do I really look that bad!? Thankfully, as we passed the "eyebrow booth" (seriously, there was one there), I was not approached. At least my eyebrows are ok...
I was pleasantly surprised to find out that the family cat and Panther, my rabbit, have become fast friends! They were playing in the living room, chasing each other around when we arrived home from Iowa City. Yay! I was wondering how well they would get along, especially when they would have to spend the weekend together. Turns out there was nothing to worry about. :)
Tomorrow is Mom and Dad's anniversary party. A lot of problems have come up, unfortunately, but it should all work out. I refuse to stress out over this!
I am so glad to be here with my family this year! I'm more grateful for them than ever! And I hope you all had a fantastic Thanksgiving week too!
Today, the ladies of the house went to Iowa City and shopped all day. Though I had nothing to get, I went along anyway and had a great time with all of them. Once again, I'm reminded of how much I love my family and need them.
It was funny though... Walking through the mall, I have never been approached by the center aisle merchants, but today, an aggressive woman approached and practically demanded that I come and get my makeup done with her mineral makeup. We were leaving, so I had to decline but she persisted even while I was walking away. Yikes... Not even 5 minutes later, I was aggressively approached again, only this time, for my hair. "Please! Let me do your hair!" Again, I declined, and again, she continued to persist. My goodness!! Do I really look that bad!? Thankfully, as we passed the "eyebrow booth" (seriously, there was one there), I was not approached. At least my eyebrows are ok...
I was pleasantly surprised to find out that the family cat and Panther, my rabbit, have become fast friends! They were playing in the living room, chasing each other around when we arrived home from Iowa City. Yay! I was wondering how well they would get along, especially when they would have to spend the weekend together. Turns out there was nothing to worry about. :)
Tomorrow is Mom and Dad's anniversary party. A lot of problems have come up, unfortunately, but it should all work out. I refuse to stress out over this!
I am so glad to be here with my family this year! I'm more grateful for them than ever! And I hope you all had a fantastic Thanksgiving week too!
Monday, November 24, 2008
I'm trying to find the motivation to pack for the next week, but it's terrible not knowing what to bring. The last thing I want to do is pack, drive home, then realize I wanted to wear this particular outfit I didn't bring. Jeska, I understand why you just took everything to South Dakota. :)
Now that time has passed since those terrible two days (friday and saturday=h e double hockey sticks), things have been a lot more calm. Mom and Dad are willing to help out with the towing fee in return for me cleaning their house spotless for Thanksgiving. The catch: Dad's been cutting drywall so EVERYTHING has a thin layer of white. I shall not complain, though. They don't have to help me out, and I'm extremely grateful to them!
My phone was returned Saturday night too. It looks like when I tackled Molly onto the couch, it slipped out of my pocket. Thank goodness for facebook, or I would have never found out they found it!
All in all, I've realized that while all this sucks really bad right now, it all pales in comparison to eternity. As I told Paige on Saturday though, it really really sucks right now. :)
I'm in the process of making my 5th batch of bread tonight. 4 loaves for bagettes, 2 for loaves on Thanksgiving. Hopefully they all turn out! Thanks, Paige, for the tips on everything!! I'm glad to have an awesome homemaker friend like you!
Now that time has passed since those terrible two days (friday and saturday=h e double hockey sticks), things have been a lot more calm. Mom and Dad are willing to help out with the towing fee in return for me cleaning their house spotless for Thanksgiving. The catch: Dad's been cutting drywall so EVERYTHING has a thin layer of white. I shall not complain, though. They don't have to help me out, and I'm extremely grateful to them!
My phone was returned Saturday night too. It looks like when I tackled Molly onto the couch, it slipped out of my pocket. Thank goodness for facebook, or I would have never found out they found it!
All in all, I've realized that while all this sucks really bad right now, it all pales in comparison to eternity. As I told Paige on Saturday though, it really really sucks right now. :)
I'm in the process of making my 5th batch of bread tonight. 4 loaves for bagettes, 2 for loaves on Thanksgiving. Hopefully they all turn out! Thanks, Paige, for the tips on everything!! I'm glad to have an awesome homemaker friend like you!
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Surprise. I feel better now than I've felt in weeks (with the exception of the frustration below). Things that used to make my heart hurt for him no longer have an effect. I honestly cannot tell you what happened. I feel nothing, but I feel free. Explain it any way you want, but I no longer feel secretly cynical. I feel good.
Weird.
On the flip side, I also feel like crap. It seems (to an outsider) that I have been incredibly irresponsible this week. My dome light drained my battery because my seat belt secretly slipped into my door when I shut it, keeping my door open enough to leave my dome on for 3 days. My phone slipped out of my pocket at the movie theater and I couldn't find it. I have received repercussions for parking in places that were apparently illegal parking spots but weren't marked at all (one was a ticket, the other a tow. wtf, mate?!). And it appears I've developed a nack for slipping through the cracks. Mmm. It's getting rather frustrating and I can't wait to just leave Ames for the week. Frankly, I'm tired of it and could use a break. Not from anyone here (heaven's no!) but from general annoyances and little devils playing, "let's see how far we can push Danielle!" ~sigh~
God's been good throughout though, always giving me a loophole of hope and encouragement and even helping me find lost wrenchs before I realized they were missing (that's an interesting story). I'm hoping that the janitors discover my cell phone tucked into the seat. I'm hoping I can find a little leniency with Butch's (doesn't sound promising, does it? that's where God comes in) and maybe not have to pay the full fee (God knows I can't afford it). But it's all up to Him and I've got to trust He's got this under control.
After all, God is bigger than Butch.
Weird.
On the flip side, I also feel like crap. It seems (to an outsider) that I have been incredibly irresponsible this week. My dome light drained my battery because my seat belt secretly slipped into my door when I shut it, keeping my door open enough to leave my dome on for 3 days. My phone slipped out of my pocket at the movie theater and I couldn't find it. I have received repercussions for parking in places that were apparently illegal parking spots but weren't marked at all (one was a ticket, the other a tow. wtf, mate?!). And it appears I've developed a nack for slipping through the cracks. Mmm. It's getting rather frustrating and I can't wait to just leave Ames for the week. Frankly, I'm tired of it and could use a break. Not from anyone here (heaven's no!) but from general annoyances and little devils playing, "let's see how far we can push Danielle!" ~sigh~
God's been good throughout though, always giving me a loophole of hope and encouragement and even helping me find lost wrenchs before I realized they were missing (that's an interesting story). I'm hoping that the janitors discover my cell phone tucked into the seat. I'm hoping I can find a little leniency with Butch's (doesn't sound promising, does it? that's where God comes in) and maybe not have to pay the full fee (God knows I can't afford it). But it's all up to Him and I've got to trust He's got this under control.
After all, God is bigger than Butch.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
~cries~
*~*edit*~*
I should probably preface this blog with what's been going on in my heart the past few months (SO sorry I don't do this more often).
At the time Paxton sent me the email, I knew he was still struggling and therefore, nothing had changed in my feelings for him. However, that changed. I found out from friends of his that he was making great leaps and bounds in his relationship with Christ and in his personal life as well. He was truly becoming the man I wanted to marry. I knew I couldn't get back together with him any time soon; I needed to wait a few years before I could be sure what was changing in his life wasn't a sham. And I certainly didn't want to toy with his heart either. Telling him I may be interested but wouldn't pursue anything for a few years wouldn't do him or myself any good. But I entertained the idea, nonetheless.
He went on hiatus from....the internet in general and I haven't talked to him in forever. But that didn't change the fact that still I thought about him every single day. Guess I wasn't as over him as I thought.
*~*end edit*~*
He's gone. That's it. I'll never see him or talk to him again. And all I can do is cry.
"Dani, I don't think I want to be your friend anymore."
That's something you hear when you're in elementary school with superficial classmates. Or as a joke between friends when something distasteful is brought up. Never in real life though. And it's like a sucker punch to the stomach.
I haven't hurt this much since that early March night when I left him. Now it feels like he's doing the same to me.
I suppose I only have myself to blame. After seeing the changes God was making in him, I left my heart open to the possibility of being with him in a few years. I entertained the idea that this was God's love story for me. How foolish to think I can predict Him!
A small part of me feels relieved though. This was my answer from God that I was looking for. It's time to move on for good. No more entertaining ideas, no more imagining our encounter, no more hoping that the person I gave so much of myself away to was my future husband.
A small part though.
Most of me just feels hurt. Understanding hurt, but hurt nonetheless.
At least there's always heaven.
I should probably preface this blog with what's been going on in my heart the past few months (SO sorry I don't do this more often).
At the time Paxton sent me the email, I knew he was still struggling and therefore, nothing had changed in my feelings for him. However, that changed. I found out from friends of his that he was making great leaps and bounds in his relationship with Christ and in his personal life as well. He was truly becoming the man I wanted to marry. I knew I couldn't get back together with him any time soon; I needed to wait a few years before I could be sure what was changing in his life wasn't a sham. And I certainly didn't want to toy with his heart either. Telling him I may be interested but wouldn't pursue anything for a few years wouldn't do him or myself any good. But I entertained the idea, nonetheless.
He went on hiatus from....the internet in general and I haven't talked to him in forever. But that didn't change the fact that still I thought about him every single day. Guess I wasn't as over him as I thought.
*~*end edit*~*
He's gone. That's it. I'll never see him or talk to him again. And all I can do is cry.
"Dani, I don't think I want to be your friend anymore."
That's something you hear when you're in elementary school with superficial classmates. Or as a joke between friends when something distasteful is brought up. Never in real life though. And it's like a sucker punch to the stomach.
I haven't hurt this much since that early March night when I left him. Now it feels like he's doing the same to me.
I suppose I only have myself to blame. After seeing the changes God was making in him, I left my heart open to the possibility of being with him in a few years. I entertained the idea that this was God's love story for me. How foolish to think I can predict Him!
A small part of me feels relieved though. This was my answer from God that I was looking for. It's time to move on for good. No more entertaining ideas, no more imagining our encounter, no more hoping that the person I gave so much of myself away to was my future husband.
A small part though.
Most of me just feels hurt. Understanding hurt, but hurt nonetheless.
At least there's always heaven.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
I know I don't write often; my thoughts are constantly changing, and it's hard to pin them down enough to write. But I suppose that's why I set this blog up; to talk everything out so it's not so jumbled and everything. ~sigh~ So here goes nothing.
My questions from the previous post were answered when he called and wanted to meet in person. I couldn't; my heart was not in a good place, and I know it wouldn't be good for him either. We ended up emailing and getting it all out. Things are certainly more clear now, and I know where my heart stands with him. Thank goodness for clearness of mind.
Onto new questions:
Why is it so hard to guard your heart? Why is it so hard to tell your heart, "No, you cannot have this. It's not God's plan for you. This is not the person for you."
I don't want to date. I'm not in a place to put my heart there yet. I need to invest more of my energies into finding out who I am and who God created me to be. But that old desire never dies, and I battle it time and time again.
I deserve someone perfect for me. Someone who doesn't make me feel insufficient, and leaves me with no doubts.
But maybe part of that is just myself. I feel so inferior to those around me, and, to a degree, this is probably the case with everyone. But I have amazing friends, and when my amazing friends meet my other amazing friends, they get a long amazingly well. They have several common interests and several things to talk about. I don't have much of that with anyone, so it's hard to build good solid bases; it feels like a superficial friendship.
I feel almost betrayed by the 'click' my friends have with each other. What about me? Where's my click? And why does everything feel so forced and fake? Is there something socially wrong with me?
I know I'm an amazing person, and I'm fun, funny, a great friend, loyal, trustworthy, genuine, honest, loving, and am loved. So what is going on? Why do things feel so terribly awkward? Rawr.
My questions from the previous post were answered when he called and wanted to meet in person. I couldn't; my heart was not in a good place, and I know it wouldn't be good for him either. We ended up emailing and getting it all out. Things are certainly more clear now, and I know where my heart stands with him. Thank goodness for clearness of mind.
Onto new questions:
Why is it so hard to guard your heart? Why is it so hard to tell your heart, "No, you cannot have this. It's not God's plan for you. This is not the person for you."
I don't want to date. I'm not in a place to put my heart there yet. I need to invest more of my energies into finding out who I am and who God created me to be. But that old desire never dies, and I battle it time and time again.
I deserve someone perfect for me. Someone who doesn't make me feel insufficient, and leaves me with no doubts.
But maybe part of that is just myself. I feel so inferior to those around me, and, to a degree, this is probably the case with everyone. But I have amazing friends, and when my amazing friends meet my other amazing friends, they get a long amazingly well. They have several common interests and several things to talk about. I don't have much of that with anyone, so it's hard to build good solid bases; it feels like a superficial friendship.
I feel almost betrayed by the 'click' my friends have with each other. What about me? Where's my click? And why does everything feel so forced and fake? Is there something socially wrong with me?
I know I'm an amazing person, and I'm fun, funny, a great friend, loyal, trustworthy, genuine, honest, loving, and am loved. So what is going on? Why do things feel so terribly awkward? Rawr.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Oh God, he needs you so much!
I received the nicest email I have ever received from him the other day. He wrote about how he wasn't mad or upset with me, how he actually missed me quite a bit (we hadn't spoke for a while, I had wondered if I had said something to offend him or anything of the like). He apologized for taking advantage, for not appreciating me while I was there. And he said he hoped I would find someone who would love me for the wonderful person I am. There was much more, and quite frankly, he left me entirely speechless.
But now for the big news. He says he's realizing he can't be happy not being a Christian. But he can't go back because the "Christian life" he lived wasn't living at all. It was a shallow faith, and he's not sure he could have a strong one.
He's so lost right now, doesn't know what to believe, doesn't know where to live, doesn't know who he is. I want to help him so much, like I have in the past, but that chapter in my life is over. I invested 3 years in him, and there's nothing more I can do, or should do now that I'm no longer with him.
But my heart breaks for him so much! I hate to see him in such a miserable state. I wish I could take his hand again and show him my faith, lead him back to beleif. I wish God would make Himself real to him, or that he would just see Him for who He is: an almighty God who is so much bigger than he thinks.
There isn't much more I can do, besides pray for him. It's hard to take such a seemingly passive role. But even if I wanted to, there's nothing I can do. I came to the realization that I may never see him again. There's no longer a reason for me to go back "home" anymore. All my friends and family are farther north with me now, and he and his friends have moved farther south. That is probably a good thing, though, because I'm not sure I could see him now. If my heart still swells with his letters, I can't imagine what it would do if I saw him face to face.
All this begs the question: am I not over him, even after several months of hardly thinking of him? Or is this feeling just remnants of what I used to feel, stirred up because of everything that's going on right now?
But now for the big news. He says he's realizing he can't be happy not being a Christian. But he can't go back because the "Christian life" he lived wasn't living at all. It was a shallow faith, and he's not sure he could have a strong one.
He's so lost right now, doesn't know what to believe, doesn't know where to live, doesn't know who he is. I want to help him so much, like I have in the past, but that chapter in my life is over. I invested 3 years in him, and there's nothing more I can do, or should do now that I'm no longer with him.
But my heart breaks for him so much! I hate to see him in such a miserable state. I wish I could take his hand again and show him my faith, lead him back to beleif. I wish God would make Himself real to him, or that he would just see Him for who He is: an almighty God who is so much bigger than he thinks.
There isn't much more I can do, besides pray for him. It's hard to take such a seemingly passive role. But even if I wanted to, there's nothing I can do. I came to the realization that I may never see him again. There's no longer a reason for me to go back "home" anymore. All my friends and family are farther north with me now, and he and his friends have moved farther south. That is probably a good thing, though, because I'm not sure I could see him now. If my heart still swells with his letters, I can't imagine what it would do if I saw him face to face.
All this begs the question: am I not over him, even after several months of hardly thinking of him? Or is this feeling just remnants of what I used to feel, stirred up because of everything that's going on right now?
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