Another 5 minute blog!! Cause I love you all that much....

I've changed my mind. Tuesdays are rough (because of work ALL DAY), but they are definitely good days. The people I work with (at both locations) are awesome and we have a great time.

Lately we've been trying to peg personalities (like, "[Lauren], you look like a cowgirl" or [Ben], you're definitely frat."), and today I was told I look like a singer/camper. Odd combination, but I loved his explaination for the singer. "It's the eyes. You have singer eyes. They just sparkle and I know if you were in the spotlight, they'd dazzle."

*blushes*

Dazzle? Mm.... The quote, "Do I dazzle you? [reply] Frequently." comes to mind.

I do believe he made my night. :D

Ok, I am psychotic (to answer my question from the previous post). Seriously, I'm spasing out waaaay too much about this.

A series of unfortunate events may result in me being sick, and on the most unfortunate of days too! :( I stayed up talking too long on im and didn't start studying for tax exam until 12:30 and didn't finish till 3. Up at 7, and I feel like crap. It's probably one of those "lack of sleep" sicknesses I get every once in a while (at least I hope so). Just in case, I skipped Finance to go take a nap. The nap never happened, but it's amazing what closing your eyes for an hour can do for you. I'm up and ready to go to work (for the next few hours at least) and then to finish off my evening by working again at another location till 11. Man, I love tuesdays. (sarcasm doesn't come across as well over texts)

Good news! The woman from Gospel for Asia called me back today! But she couldn't answer my questions and the lady that could was out to lunch. Hopefully I get a call from her tomorrow after classes. Fingers crossed!!

5 minute blog. Time for work.

I'm feeling better this week than I did last week (in terms of the angst my distressed soul was experiencing). I think I may have found the direction I need to go, but there are still a few things I need to pin down before I make an absolute decision.

One thing still bothers me though (forgive me for being vague).

I was so sure 2 weeks ago and everything was fantastic! I felt great and seemed to not have a care in the world. Then the picture changed and now I'm feeling nearly the opposite of what I felt oh-so-seemingly long ago. Am I being psychotic and psyching myself out because really, nothing is different? Or has everything changed and I'm the one left in the dark? It's been forever since I've been in this position and I don't remember what I'm supposed to do. I want desperately to move forward and (maybe too soon?) spill everything, but at the same time, I don't want to "jump the gun". I said before that I could wait, that none of this was really in my control. While that really hasn't changed, my desire for control has and I hate not knowing what's to come. It would be so much easier if everything was brought out into the open, wouldn't it?

Jeska, I think you hit the nail on the head when you wrote a week ago about insecurities. I know who I am, I know God values me and loves me into eternity, but I'm insecure in how people view me. To apply that, did I come off as interesting and captivating? Or dull and monotonous enough to drive someone away. It IS hard for a personality to come through instant messenger...

I don't know....I guess I hate being stuck in one position. I want things to move forward, one way or another. I hate being still.

And then our good Lord comes down and says, "Be still," just as I write that.

The frustrating thing is that it's easy to "be still" when I'm in the Word or in a place where I'm reminded constantly of God (church). But then I have to go to my tax book to study for my exam tomorrow and all that "be still" is gone because I'm back to thinking the way I was before I was still! (not really thinking...more like obsessing. Rr, I hate obsessing!) How do I remain in God and in the Word while attempting to be a good student and study? (I assume "doing all things for the glory of God" includes being a good student and learning so I can apply the knowledge given to me for Him)

Well, time for me to attempt studying. Hope my post wasn't too obvious. :)
(And I swear, I am doing better. This was just a much needed vent.)

First of all, Jars of Clay is amazing to listen to when you're trying to contemplate life's questions. Phenomenal.

I've been doing a vast amount of journaling the past few days--more than I have in...well, for as long as I can remember. It's been amazing how much it has helped. (I've tried journaling in the past and never got anywhere really. I think it was because I was trying to make it sound good. This time, I wrote everything, whether it sounded good or bad or absolutely insane.) The questions that I had have been, at the very least, talked through and at best, worked out.

Many thanks to those I talked to last night (only one of you reads this :)) too! Your advice was amazing and will be implemented. I can't wait. :)

So, the reason for my distressed soul and jumbled thoughts?

I decided last week that I would like to use my degree (accounting) for missions whether that mean I'm going overseas and using accounting or working here in the states with a missions organization. What all that entails, I'm still not sure (looking through everything) but it's the first time I got excited about the possibilities after graduation. We are commanded throughout scripture to spread the good news of glory of God everywhere, are we not?

Good, we're agreed.

This has implications for my previous plans though: do I continue pursuing my CPA (reminder, I received a scholarship to take a CPA prep course for free....gift from God telling me where to go or Satan trying to distract me?) or forget the CPA thing and go straight into missions? Don't know!

I've decided none of this will affect my graduation date; I will still graduate next Spring with all the credits required and everything (making me CPA eligible). There are a few Accounting courses that I'd like to take that would be very helpful in the missions organization (accounting for not-for-profit organizations? very yes!!) So that won't change. But the CPA question still remains.

As for the boy I met---as much as I like him, I can't assume anything (in terms of a relationship). I'm not omnipotent and I can't see what the future holds, what God has for me. So I can only focus on the present and simply pray for Mr. Future Husband-of-Mine who chooses to remain anonymous right now.

One thing at a time. It's all I can handle, and trying to do any more will only serve to stress me out to the max rendering me useless for any extended period of time. (I'm onto your tricks, Satan! I'm figuring out how you lure me into debilitation!)

I looked back to when I made other "life altering" decisions (ISU or UofI? nursing or accounting? break up with Pax or not?) and realized that in every one of those cases, the decision I made was the one that made me feel more at peace. I felt inner turmoil with the other choice but felt comfortable with the other. So obviously, I went the peaceful route. This decision making process hasn't failed me yet, so I'll give it another go with this. But I've been stressing so much lately that all of my soul is distressed and so I've got to have some one-on-one time with God. Just Him and me, talking and straighening things out. Should be a good time! Tomorrow, I'll have my answer! ;)

Pray for me, if you can remember. I'm sure I could use all the guidance and prayer I can get. I love you all, blogland!!

Trips, Cuts, and Falls

Wow, so much has happened... So much to tell! (I already wrote a blog filling you all in on my weekend to Arkansas, but Internet died and Blog was buried with it in the backyard)

Arkansas was amazing--we went to NW Arkansas, the wealthy area (no red necks) and had a great time. It was a much needed vacation, and by the time I got back, I was VERY refreshed and ready to get back to the grind. And I met a boy. :D

Yesterday, I donated plasma and then went to get my hair cut. About an hour into the cut (she was taking her time doing my hair), I got dizzy and nauseous. When I got up to use the restroom, I blacked out, lost consciousness momentarily, and collapsed on the floor of the bathroom doorway. I've never had this happen before, and it was quite the experience. Looking back, I was more concerned about making it to the bathroom than the fact that I was no longer able to see (from blacking out). I had one destination in mind, and was determined to make it there, regardless of the fact that I had no idea what I needed to do.

If it weren't for the fact that passing out doesn't usually imply all is well with you, it would have been amazing. I do vaguely remember a woman standing over me after I fell and asking me several times if I was ok before she went and got help. And then as I'm throwing up and still dizzy and still on the floor, all the hair stylists were asking if I was ok over and over again. I wasn't sure myself, but I'm thinking that if someone is collapsed on the floor, disoriented and can't really move, she's probably not ok. :)

Turns out I was just dehydrated from donating since I hadn't eaten beforehand or drank much other than sweet tea (I'm hooked again, thanks to Arkansas). The EMTs and Parametics told me several times that I need to be more careful when donating and were definitely not amused by any jokes I tried to tell.

Needless to say, I didn't finish my haircut and currently have a "Great Clips" cut. I can't wait till we finish it--I hate it currently. :(

On an unrelated note, my big toe hurts like crazy and I can't hardly walk on it. Oh, medical ailments!

~sigh~

I got asked out today (I think). And I'm PRETTY sure it was at the encouragement of my fellow accounting friends who KNOW I am not interested. Gah!

[Male accounting friend] said the other day, "You and [this guy] should go out. You'd be good together." Yeah...until I strangle him. We've gotten into too many arguments and I know I wouldn't get along with him at all. He's nice and all, a Christian too. But we differ on too many things.

Yet despite my telling [male accounting friend] if he values [this guy] as a friend (alive), he shouldn't encourage him. But the fact that [this guy] asked me out to dinner tonight at LTP tells me someone finally convinced him to get the cajones. D___.

Fortunately for me, I was able to use the excuse, "Sorry, I'm in Arkansas!" (How many times do you get to use that one?!) But next time....jeez. I'm going to have to tell him, "Nope, never going to happen."

I hate being the bearer of bad news. :(

Supervisor Struggles

I got to flex my "shift supervisor" muscles yesterday (and the past saturday now that I think about it...) for the first time and I thought a girl's head was going to explode on me.

I've been working with this girl for the past semester (we worked every Saturday together), so we've gotten to know eachother fairly well (as well as coworkers can). Despite my being a supervisor since pretty much when I started, I've never really told anyone what to do. Everyone really has a pretty good grasp on what needs to be done.

Well, the past few weeks, everytime I work, I always end up filling the beverage cooler (3 times a week) and yesterday, I really didn't feel like standing in front of the coolers for an hour. I mentioned something about them, and the girl I worked with every Saturday mentioned she had never done them before. I smiled and told her, "No time like the present! They're really not bad today compared to what we've had recently." She kinda laughed and blew me off so I left the list of pops needed by her. 5 minutes later, it came up again, and I told her she was going to do it tonight; honestly, it was the best night for her to do it--I already made the list and all she had to do was grab it from the back. She pulled a high school pout and grumbled about how she didn't know what my abbreviations were (mm.....what does MD stand for? Mountain Dew? Who knew?! Especially since I wrote it next to Diet MDew!!).

She finally did it, but not before giving me the silent treatment and pouting for the next hour. She refused to put them away though---geez girl. Is it really that big of a deal? ~sigh~ We'll keep working on it.

I gave a list of 4 things we needed to do, and asked the 3 other girls what they wanted to do. The pop girl jumped in and started delegating what each should do. Authority issues? I'm not sure. Not sure how to deal with that either...

The other girl on Saturday--I think she just doesn't know the rules. Don't eat in front of customers (taking an order with a mouth full of danish stick is not consumer friendly), no free drinks (except brewed coffee), no you can't play on the computer, no you can't bring your computer out to go on the internet, yes you need to wear your work shirt even if you're running late, yes you should brush your teeth... I really did feel bad about "getting on her case" over everything; I hate being the person who has to redirect you if you're wrong, especially several times in a row. But honestly, it's all right there in the employee policy. (And it's really not that hard to use a vacuum. She actually came up to me and asked me what to do if the vacuum won't reach the other side of the room--it came unplugged while she was vacuuming. Mmm....plug it into another outlet? There are 6 in that room....) Sometimes it's hard to give the benefit of the doubt.

All this to say, I feel like a real supervisor now cause I'm having to be the jerk on occasion.

To clarify, I've deactvated my facebook which means you won't be able to find me: I do not exist for the facebook world anymore. However, when I'm ready to come back, then all I have to do is sign in and do the whole "verify my account" thing, and everything will be back to normal. I miss facebook terribly, so I can't wait to come back, but the fact that I miss it terribly makes me hesitent. Maybe I should come back with I don't desire it so much? Otherwise I'd just fall into the same rut I was in before, and I shouldn't be there.

A dog ran through Gerdin today--quite amusing. The little beagle was chilling out in the cafe, running around to everyone, trying to beg food off people. Adorable! Apparently this older man had been following him for an hour and a half, and finally got him trapped in Gerdin so the animal control services could pick him up. Apparently the guy couldn't pick the dog up, so he just kinda followed him around. Ha! The puppy was adorable....Gerdin should get a mascot. Beagles running around everywhere.

Jeska, Erich Skelton is amazing. I cannot get enough of him. I don't know when you gave him to me, but thank you!

So I'm thinking I'm going to get a bunch of my single friends together and go out on Valentine's day. Those that are dating but significant others are overseas are allowed to come as well. :) We'll get dressed up and go somewhere to eat and have fun. We'll see how well this works though. At the very least, me and 2 of my roommates will go out.

Well, I really should go study for my two exams tomorrow. I really want to do well on these suckers. (twss)

Hmm...I have no profile picture. This should probably be changed, but I'm not sure I'll ever remember to do this.

I'm on day 3 of sans facebook and I'm surprised at how many times I have the urge to go on. I mean, I knew I was on facebook a lot, but it seems like any moment I have any downtime whatsoever, my first instinct is hit up the old addiction (that word really should be that hard to spell, but it took me 4 times to get it right--I kept getting confused with "actual"). I haven't accomplished much with all this new time, though; probably because I'm still transitioning. Maybe this will become a prolonged experiment? Two weeks instead of just one? It just might be necessary. I do miss being in touch with everyone though--I feel so detached from the world. However, this could be an internet-induced lame excuse my brain formulated to convince myself facebook really IS needed. We'll see once the screaming banshees in my head calm down. (wow, I actually spelled banshees right on the first try!)

I've given up the MIS minor in lieu of a Finance minor. The MIS minor provides no programming (which was the point of picking it up) and if I do those classes along with the minor, I might as well do the major and stay until DECEMBER 2010. Holy crap, no. Finance is close to Accounting and is a nice compliment, not to mention I already know the basics of Finance anyway (having already taken 3 years of "time value series of money" or whatever-the-crap it's called). So now I just have to pick the classes, fill out the paperwork, and officially subject myself to another semester of drudgery. Yay.

I'm taking a road trip to Arkansas this Friday-Sunday; I'm pretty excited about this despite the destination. I have never really been on a road trip or to Arkansas, so it will be, at the very least, a new experience. I'm going to tote along my portable DVD player so we have something to watch on the 8 hour drive there. The only thing I'm trying to figure out is when I will make the first leg of the trip: back to MP. Perhaps writing it all out would help sort out the jumbling options that are 2-stepping in my head. Background: we're leaving from Burlington at 10am on Friday. So my two options are coming home Thursday night or Friday morning.

• First, Shane is coming to SALT for the first time this Thursday and I really want to see him. I also wanted to take him out when he came to Ames (Jessi too). One of my favorite things to do is to go to Justin's house after SALT and hang out with family. With Shane there, the more the merrier! However, if I stay Thursday night, I will no doubt be up late and would have to leave at 6:30 to get to Burlington on time. I don't do well with getting up early and driving long distances.
• My other option is to skip SALT on Thursday and head home right after our SIFE meeting (at 6:30) and spend the night in MP, then drive to Burlington the next morning.

Clearly, option two seems like the better option: driving at optimal time, and maximum sleep (seeing as both mom and Lauren have things going on Friday morning and have to go to bed). But option one is so much more fun!! Thursdays are my favorite because of SALT and Justin's house afterwards. If you take those away, my ambition to get up Thursday morning is nearly nonexistent! Gah!! To be responsible, or to live for gratifying pleasures....(it's a tough decision!)

I've got two exams on Thursday as well and today is the only day I will be able to study. Tuesdays and Wednesdays, I'm absolutely swamped with school and work and very minimal free time. Unfortunately for me, I'm feeling highly unmotivated and am not looking forward to having several chapters to read.

Speaking of which (kinda), how do you study slides? I didn't buy the book for LSMC cause he said it was more for reference and not really needed for exams. Other than just reading through the slides over and over again, how do I study? It's kinda the same situation with Marketing...he lectures, but his notes are sporatic and hard to tie together. More like random facts and statistics (surely he wouldn't test on those?).

Anyway, time to go be utterly useless in class (aka unconscious).